Having to tell crazy, jealous "BM" about our new baby
My bf and I are expecting in October-
She divorced him over a year ago, they were seperated for years before that, but she still wants him to be available to spend time alone with her and their daughter, constantly trying to bait him into conversations about how he has ruined her life and how she will never be with anyone else, constantly asking for $ outside of child support, and trying to make him and his family feel guilty for supposedly abandoning them. She doesn't understand that he has no obligations to her anymore, and that he only cares for his daughter.
When the daughter (11) is at our house the mother is constantly calling my bf and the girl, claiming that she needs to know if she's okay, and if he doesn't answer her, she threatens to come over. She freaks out if she sees me in their driveway for drop-offs, but she felt free to come into my place of business all dressed up (it's a fitness club, and she came in skinny jeans and dangly earrings) and start working out directly in front of my bf, and she comes to the door wearing a bra and spandex shorts with her belly showing when he picks his daughter up, as well as insisting he come inside to hang out first because it supposedly makes the daughter feel more comfortable about coming to our house.
This woman has even tried to make him feel guilty about his old dog that she still has, because we got a dog of our own a few months ago. She feels that because we have a new dog, he doesn't care about the old one. Because I have a son (12), she's accused him of abandoning them because he has a supposed new child and new family. She even decided to start spreading a rumor that because my son is a little bit learning disabled, that she was worried he may molest their daughter. It was all I could do to keep from killing her for that, but she seems to be completely out of her mind.
She feels that his family owes her a place in all family functions, and that when they include me, it's an insult to her. She proceeds to tell the girl that no one cares about either of them anymore. She'll scream terrible things about her father and grandparents in front of their daughter and doesn't seem to be concerned at all that this is harmful to her. She'll cancel plans and refuse to send the daughter to her father or grandparents if she finds out that I'm around. She's making no attempts to even appear normal, and has left messages that I am trying to steal her daughter from her. I have done nothing to suggest that I'm trying to be overly close to their daughter, in fact, she spends most of her time with us just playing with my son. She isn't the biological mother of this girl (they had a surrogate), but my bf is the bio father. This may be why she's so insecure. I'm also 17 years younger than both her and my bf, so that's probably another one.
So we're in a big dilemma, and just can't figure out how to tell the kids about the new baby in a way that "BM" won't terrorize his daughter over it. We are supposed to have her on Saturday, and if "BM" finds out first, she won't let us pick her up, and will tell her that he is moving on with a new baby and doesn't want her anymore.
If we tell the daughter before BM (as I think she should hear it from us, the parents of the baby!!)she will end up being the one to tell BM once she gets home, and then will have to witness BM's first reaction, which is probably going to be a traumatic thing for her, and she'll begin calling people up screaming in front of the girl.
So, his idea was to pick up his daughter, and tell her when she's with us getting ready to do something fun, and then message BM to tell her the news and that their daughter already knows. And then he'll take the daughter's phone away for the night and not answer his, to avoid the harrassment and let BM cool down...problem is, she will probably show up at our house or business to throw a fit when she can't get ahold of him. Still, when she goes home, she'll have to hear the BS from her mother, which she doesn't deserve, will hurt her feelings, and is untrue.
I really don't care what BM thinks, or why she's upset. I'm embarrassed for her, because it would be so humiliating to be so obviously stuck on an ex-husband who has moved on. Any ideas on how to tell the daughter, what to say to her about when she goes home to her mom, and maybe what to say to BM? Anyone have the same situation, and how did you deal with it?
I wouldn't discuss my
I wouldn't discuss my reproduction with BM.
Never did.
Told the skid, she passed it along, and didn't entertain the BM's comments. We just kept communication lines open with SD.
I agree with you. We did the
I agree with you. We did the exact same thing.
Yeah, I'd be careful with
Yeah, I'd be careful with this one too. What BM does on her time with SD is her problem. Its unfortunate and of course you don't want it to happen, but SD will come to notice the difference between her BM and you guys and understand whats going on.
The more your DH interacts with BM and acts like there is in any way a relationship, she is family (and thus should know about your baby), and allows her to overstep boundarie (ie showing up at your house acting inappropriately), the longer and more painful this process will be. The sooner he completely shuts her down and treats your family like a separate entity from BM (while including SD and letting her know that she can talk to him about BM, but there may not be alot he can do), the sooner this will end. Seriously - you cannot do whats best for the children if BM won't. Its just another way to control your DH and insert herself in your lives and DH's family's lives.
Which reminds me - DH should talk to his family and ask them NOT to invite her anywhere. If her behavior is this bad, they need to support you and him and see SD when she is with you guys. I can't tell you how hurtful it becomes when the ex joins sides with DH's family over some issue that DH doens't agree with and she sides against you and him. BM's need to MOVE on after a divorce. I can't imagine why you'd even WANT to have a relationship with your ex's family.
Agreed that poster should be
Agreed that poster should be careful in this situation. When "our" bm found out I was pregnant (many moons ago - the "baby" is 23) she suddenly couldn't handle "skid 2" anymore and he just HAD TO come live with us. Hmmmmmm...she's not as STUPID as I gave her credit for.
Let his daughter spill the
Let his daughter spill the beans. It furthers what you two are trying to do and that is keep her at arms length and not in the family loop.
I don't mean that you coach the daughter. Just let her tell her Mom - or not - in normal conversation. Shoot bio-mom may not hear of it for months.
Your husband absoluely has to
Your husband absoluely has to tell his daughter and he should do it when she is with you two. BM, well why would you bother to tell her. If she is what you say it is not going to make any difference if his daughter goes home and tells BM or if your husband rings BM and tells her she is always going to give the daughter a hard time. So I would absolutely not tell BM anything. I would however make sure the daughter is well reassured and told that no matter what her BM says she is not being replaced. Not in those exact words of course because she may see that as bad mouthing her mom, but she does need some sort of heads up on what may be said to her.
Its completely natural that
Its completely natural that you both want to shield sd from her mother's behaviour however how can you actually do this, when she is the child's mother? I think by informing BM of this private event you would be sending her a message that her behaviour and opinion matter to you and bf, that she has the right to this information (which she already thinks she does). I know it does only because of how it impacts on sd and your family, however YOU cant control nor will you ever be able to, Bm's behaviour.
The only thing you and bf can do is protect your family and send BM a consistent, clear and firm message that her behaviour will not be tolerated by you both. Do this NOW before your baby is born. This means:
Always contradict anything nasty BM says about you, bf or your DS. Stick to facts but ensure you give your side because otherwise your skid may believe what she is being told by BM.
1) she doesnt get to ring like a madwoman while you have custody of sd. Switch your phones off. All she does is abuse her daughter while in your care, so why are you facilitating this? STOP.
2) When she does show up, do NOT answer the door. Ring the police and have them warn her. Pre warn your neighbours (if you speak to them), so that if BM does go over that line then prosecute her and have your neighbours back you up. Remind them that by prosecuting her you will be deterring her from causing a disturbance in the neighbourhood.
3) Keep a record of ALL of her harassment e.g. her texts/voicemails/emails. Showing up at your home (always ring the police about this).
4) Always keep any information you provide to sd at a minimum. The less SHE knows, the less her mother can use the info to berate and be abusive in front of sd. PLUS if sd doesnt know you are taking her someone nice or fun then BM cant ruin it.
5) Your bf should be p/u sd and NOT be going inside. Ignore any inappropriate flirting as if BM is not there. Do not go onto this woman's property as this will give her a legitimate excuse to attack you. make sure bf parks on public highway if
you accompany him and lock your doors.
6) your bf FAMILY should be cutting all contact with BM, they have access to sd through you guys so contact with someone who is harassing your family members is really really inapprioriate no matter the reason imo. Your bf needs to make this crystal clear to his family and should they invite her, then you guys skip that event and their contact with your child will be limited.
7) Your bf needs to get legal advice regarding custody and consider ensuring there is a legal agreement in place
Can you tell me how BM spread that rumour about your son? See that would be me flipping the bitch switch if someone said that about my child. Meaning I would ensure I made BM's life as difficult as possible, by ensuring she was cut out as much as possible, protecting my family if that meant prosecuting her for harassment, threats, vandalism.
My skids were young when we
My skids were young when we got preg. I just explained to them that I had a baby growing in my belly and they would have another lil sisster soon. BM found out on fb lol. After both SO and I contacted all of our family/close friends I posted it on fb (my 1st preg... I was excited and bursting at the seems to tell everyone). As soon as BM read it (she and her bf stalked my fb page for the longest... had to block them) she called SO to tell him she was also preg and due 2 days before me. Then she had the balls to ask if we would take skids when she gave birth. We live 8 hrs away from her and all of our family as we are a military family and had no one to watch them while we were in the hospital. Then threw a fit when we said no. The way I saw it was this was my first child. I wanted and needed to do it as stress free as possible. She chose to have 3 kids and she knew what she was doing as she had experience. Besides both her family and SO family live close to her... call them!!!
Yeah, SO put hisfoot down. Thank god or I would have left and went to my parents to have DD.