Had enough
Today I just had enough. I am a full-time parent to four kids. Two are biologically mine and two are my stepkids who we have full-time. It has been months since their biomom has even called them. My husband works a lot so I am left home with the kids most of the time. I am fine with that. I love being at home and spending all my time with the kids. I love them all.
Today I just had enough of my older skid. Whenever my younger skid gets in trouble the older one feels the need to butt into it. If I send the younger one to their room the older one is in my face asking what happened and when the younger one is done in the room. We can be out in public and I tell the younger one that they can do something and the older one tries to say she does not feel like the younger one should do that. If I say no to the younger one trying the buy me this or that routine in public I get the older one telling me that their mom would buy it for her sibling.
So today the younger one was getting in trouble by me and my older skid started yelling at me that I can't do that!!!
I had it. I just lost it and began screaming that there is only one mom in the house and it is not her. And I told her that I can ground her sibling or send her sibling to their room whenever I feel like it and she has no say in it and can't do a darn thing about it. I told her I do not need to explain myself to her. I also told her that she needs to mind her own business and stop acting like she is in charge.
She ran to her room hysterically crying and has been in there for an hour going strong with the crying.
Was I wrong?? My children don't second guess my consequences for the other and they are about the same ages. As a child I never told my parents they couldn't ground my siblings.
I suppose my opinion would depend on their ages.
I am assuming this has been an on-going problem with the oldest? What does your DH say when she acts like this? How old are your SD's?
Regardless of their ages, the do need to understand that while you are not their mother, you ARE the mother of the house. There are only two adults in that house who make the rules and decisions - you and your DH.
Do I think screaming at her was the way to do it? No, but I totally understand your frustration with her and what she said to you. Do I think your DH should do something about her behaviour - absolutely. All of the rules need to apply to all of the children.
Based on what you have said about their mother, I do think your SD may be acting out. I'm pretty sure she knows in her heart that you are there for her, and love her, but imagine the pain she must be in, knowing her mother has left her, and has chosen not to contact her or her sister. It's possible that in her eyes, her sister is all she has left, and she's just trying to 'protect' her...
JMO
I agree with Last Nerve
No mom247 you definitely (in my opinion) did NOT do anything wrong to assert your authority and remind the older skid that you are the mom. But I agree with Last Nerve that this child could feel that her sister is all she has left. If her own mother deserted them, even though she may know in her heart that you won't ... what would stop you if it hasn't stopped her mom? DH could talk to older SD, but it's really up to you as the dominant female in the house to open that line of communication with her. Again, this is all my own opinion and what I would try. If it were me, I would confront that situation head on and when you two have some time alone, say exactly what you said, and add in something to the effect of "I understand honey that you may feel that you need to protect your sister but I am much older (insert joke here!) and I have more experience, so whether you agree or not, what I say goes!" And then reinforce that with "I would never leave you", and remind them that everything you do, including what seems like punishments is done out of love (insert another joke here - like eating veges or something dumb). When I had issues with my SD where I was asserting authority that she hadn't had before, I always at first did the "enforcer" route but then always also followed it up with a discussion as to the "why" and made that a lighter discussion, with a little joking in there. And she got it. This is frustrating but could be a great opportunity for you to get closer to this child and help her heal and break down some of her own barriers and fears. Good luck and God Bless!
Sounds so familiar
I have 3 ss and the oldest has always been that way. No matter what we are telling the younger ones he butts in and tries to play the parent b/c that's how it is at BM's house. You definitely did the right thing. For some reason some children have lost the distinction between adult and child... maybe acting out, maybe power struggle, maybe society... who knows. I hope you have better luck than us - we've been fighting it for almost 5 yrs now.
SD
I am sure its not the first time that she has been yelled at and it wont be the last. You gave her information that she needs to know, she will get over it and it gives SD something to think about. You didnt slap her in the face or knock her to the floor so the yelling was a little deal but not enough to worry about. Now she knows that unlike before with her BM there is a mom in the house that you are in charge.