Feeling awful
I am new to this forum and realy need to vent and get some advice. I am a mom and a full-time stepmom. I have 2 children and my husband had 2 children when we met. He had custody of his children and I had custody of mine. His ex has been in and out of her kids lives. She goes months without so much as a call and then she will reappear and try to play mom of the year for a few months. Then she will get bored and disappear.
Right now she is in her disappear phase. Its been 3 months. My stepkids do not act like they notice when she is gone. They don't ask to call her. They do not comment on her not being around. I know they have to notice because they see my two kids going with their dad EOW.
I am starting to resent my stepkids and their mom. I resent that she has no responsibility for them and I resent that they don't hate her for it. And then I feel bad that I resent them. But I just feel like they should be greatful that I am being a mom to them. And I feel like they should be mad at their mom for not being around. But when she calls they act like everything is fine and tell her how much they love her and BLA BLA BLA. Makes me sick and just not want to be around them. I mean here I am busting my buns doing all the mom things for them and she gets off scott free with the phone call. Why do I even bother?
How do I cope??
I've actually given this subject alot of thought
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
My situation is totally different, as I do not raise my skids. But I know alot of ladies who feel so taken for granted by kids who aren't their own, yet they raise as tho they are. You don't mention the ages of your skids, so that too would make some difference.
Even tho I do not raise the skids, I have a question I constantly asked myself over SD17-and that was, would I accept this behaviour, would I be angry, if my own bs did the same thing. Unfortunately, with SD17, the answer was always yes. But, kids don't feel like they owe adults gratitude for raising them. If they come up right, they'll thank you when they're grown. They just don't see it from the same viewpoint that stepparents do. Do your kids thank your DH for bringing them up? And I mean that in the kindest of ways.
Please don't wish for them to hate their mother-you know, your H knows, she's not worth spit. But kids have an acceptance, a way of reasoning in their minds, that protects them from seeing the truth of what their BM's or BD's really really are. It's just self-protection.
The one who needs to be thanking you is your DH. If he appreciates you raising his kiddos, and you appreciate his raising yours, it should all come together just fine.
Different situation, same feelings
Hi mom247,
I'm a little different situation, where me and DH have full custody of his 9 year old daughter, my SD. However, I also have a 11 mo old BD, as well. My SD's BM is the same way - never calls, goes months on end - sometimes over 6 months without so much as a phone call. Then when she does talk to her it is like she is the Queen or something and that she can't do anything wrong. She only sees SD twice a year, and even then it is only for a day or two at the most. It is just plain sad. I feel for SD, in a way because she needs her mother...but my friends me constantly is that "she doesn't need her mom", "she needs a parental guardian that cares about her well being, and a positive women role model in her life whether she likes it or not". And as much as I hate that I'm that person, I accept it. Yes, SD is a handful and we have a whole LOT of issues to work on in terms of her obedience and behavioral issues - but I'm the "chosen" one to get her through life. Sometimes, she hates that it is me. Somestimes, I wish that she would resent her mom - - but although those feelings are normal - I just let it go and let it be. I just hope that when she raises her kids or gets her job she is just a "tweenie" bit more responsible, or that a "tweenie" bit of me rubbed off on her to make her a better person. So, yes - your feelings are normal, it is a LONG, EXHAUSTING ROAD, but hopefully in the end they will be better skids because of your dedication to their lives.
But then again....it is easier said than done...isn't it?
-
-