is the guilt really THAT bad???!!!
The Bottom line is that my SO left her husband for me. They had 2 kids and she broke up the family because she couldn't stand the feeling of always wanted to be with me instead of with her family.
Her husband was obviously upset but understood that they didn't have a happy marriage. He even thanked her a couple months after the divorce and said that she made the right decision. They were in a toxic marriage and it was doomed regardless of my involvement. They both could see that.
She and I did lots together. She enjoyed her divorce because it gave her time and freedom from that stifling life. She had her kids every weekday from 7-7 and they slept at the ex's house 2 week nights and every other weekend.
Something has shifted. It has been 2 years and we are living together. It almost seems as though she wants nothing to do with me. It started off as just being when the kids were home. I would would in the room after being at work for 12 hours and not even get her eyes for a second. We all went through airport security together and I was in a cast so I got pulled in the back room while they tested my cast and I was there for 10 minutes. She didn't even notice I was gone. Her expectations when the kids aren't around is that I am all about her. If we are out and I start wandering ahead of her it makes her very mad. But when her kids are there she doesn't even notice.
Now, she has shifted so that even when the kids are around she feels she should be focused on them or herself, not us. I wanted her to watch a game with me this Sunday but she said she had too much house work to do to sit for 3 hours (in the past she has loved this sunday ritual). So, devoted my entire Saturday (9 hours) to doing chores to help her out. Trying to take stuff off her plate so that she could enjoy the sunday afternoon with me. She still didn't watch the game. She sat in the next room and was on her computer.
It is as if any time she spends with me there she associates it with me "taking her away from her kids". Unless I am doing something with her for her or for her kids it seems like she is doing me a favor by hanging out.
Like I said this is a shift. My therapist said that divorces' can feel very guilty and when they parent part time they over compensate.
I am hoping that since this is a shift and it hasn't always been like this, that it will pass.
can the guilt be that strong that she will never allow herself to be with me and enjoy it???
In a word "yes" See this
In a word "yes"
See this link:
http://www.balbriggansolicitor.ie/guilt.html
Are you sure it is guilt that
Are you sure it is guilt that is making her act this way?
She may be someone who has never really lived on her own, gotten to know herself well, and jumped from one man to another as a means to "escape" an uncomfortable situation in her first marriage.
Therapist don't know it all, I should know, I used to work in the office of two psychological clinics. What an eye-opener that was!
I don't know her, but it might be this instead of guilt. I know someone who keeps marrying guy after guy, each time things get to the point where hard work is involved to save the marriage, or the situation need her to really do some personal "soul searching" of who she is, what she really wants, where she is going, how she is going to get there, and why she keeps using guys to "rescue" her, instead of standing on her own two feet - she avoids doing this, and gets some new guy to marry her. So far she is up to husband number 4 (I think).
It doesn't sound like she left her husband "for you" as you say. The EX actually said it was for the best they got divorced! YOU didn't break up anything - SHE chose to move into another relationship right away, before she took the time to figure herself out.
Being a widow (my first husband died)we were advised to never move into another relationship too fast - especially the first year! It takes time to grieve the lost of a spouse (marriage) - through death or divorce. It sounds like she jumped too soon into another relationship.
She sounds like a person who is insecure, or too scared to be on her own, or too needy. Life is scary, but we don't do ourselves or others any favors by using them.
I may be totally wrong, but that is my humble opinion.
Good luck.
Perhaps her first marriage
Perhaps her first marriage was toxic not because they were wrong for each other but because she is not a good spouse. She sounds selfish. Perhaps when the new wears off she gets bored and wants to move on. Maybe she thinks she broke up her family for a relationship that is no better than the last. Maybe she needs counseling to sort through her issues.