Giving Advice When You've Never Been Married & Have No Children?
My SO does NOT get along with his ex. He's still angry and bitter and I have no clue when that anger will subside or even lessen.
Recently he's been going through a bit of a custody struggle with his ex. They have 50/50 custody of their kids but he asked her if he could keep his son F/T during the school year. S8 just started 3rd grade and is struggling with reading comprehension. SO wants to work with him every night and make sure that the extra work assigned by his reading teacher is getting done.
EX agreed to this and said that she wants what's best for their son. This wasn't done in court, it was just an agreement that they came to.
Now EX is asking for full custody of D10. She says that her daughter is coming to an age where she needs her mother to talk to her about lady things and that it will be good for D10 development to spend more time with her mother since son is with father full time.
SO is NOT happy about this. He loves his kids and doesn't want to miss out on time with his daughter. He wouldn't have asked for F/T with his son if he wasn't struggling in school and sees no reason to separate brother and sister further.
He's basically ignoring his EX (hasn't responded to her emails) and is using D10 as a go-between.
THIS IS KILLING ME!
I finally said something last night but I sometimes feel like I'm being dismissed because I've never been married and don't have children.
If I'm in a relationship with a father, don't I have a responsibility to point out behavior that might be damaging to his kids?
He's always talking about how emotionally mature she is and I just think, "That's great but she's still a 10 year old child". Every week she's with her mom she comes back and says that she wants to go and stay with her mom and then she spends the next week with her dad and agrees with everything he says.
I'm thinking COME ON! Regardless of how you feel about your ex and what you think of her, your daughter LOVES her mother and her father and doesn't want to disappoint either of you. Why are you putting this child in this position. If the two adults can't work it out, how in the hell is this kid supposed to decide?
And why are you giving a 10 year old all of this power now. It's just going to come back and bite you in the ass when she's a teenager and knows that she can manipulate her parents because they refuse to communicate.
Am I out of line?
If he doesn't
If he doesn't listen/dismisses your VERY good advice because you've "never been a parent" blah blah, then I'd take that as a RED FLAG! It's just an excuse NOT to listen to good advice.
Besides, you were a child once too and I'm assuming your parents parented you correctly, so that's what you're basing your advice off of as well as EVERY OTHER PARENTING 101 PRIMER!!!
If he dismisses you on this, then he'll soon dismiss you on other stuff as well.
I AM an experienced and successful, albeit far from perfect, parent. Chef (skids biodad) used to dismiss my advice as being "too harsh" or say that his kids were a "special case" to get out of parenting his children.
Excellent comeback!
Excellent comeback!
"... I sometimes feel like
"... I sometimes feel like I'm being dismissed because I've never been married and don't have children..." -- OP
Doesn't mean that you do not have common sense, love, compassion, empathy, intelligence, or the ability to read a parenting book.
He's an expert because he's
He's an expert because he's been married? Well, that makes you a super ninja expert because you've never FAILED at marriage.
That's snarky and I probably wouldn't say it to him out loud but you need to internalize the truth of it. What you can and should say out loud is that if he can't trust your judgement and doesn't value your input, why is he with you? You can't live long term with someone who finds you to be "lesser" or "junior" so you're asking him to think about it and figure out if that's what he really meant to say.
Work on it together for awhile but get your Nancy Sinatra boots on if he can't come up with the right answer and implement at some reasonable time in the future. It's not really about the girl, it's about the partnership.
*Nancy Sinatra: "These boots are made for walkin! And that's just what they'll do1"
Isn't this the same as SMs
Isn't this the same as SMs complaining about people who have never been SMs giving them advice?
Good advice is good advice no
Good advice is good advice no matter where it comes from and he's never told me that my opinion doesn't count because I'm not a mother or a wife...those are my feelings.
I have felt that he puts too much responsibility on his poor D10. He's a single dad and he does need help but that's not her problem. Just because he's divorced and angry at his ex doesn't mean that his kid should ever be put in a position to choose.
I really feel like this whole situation is about to blow up in all our faces and I'm trying to be proactive and offer some (unsolicited) advice.
We've talked about marriage and I just think that if we're planning a future together, this is about to become my problem too.
I would love for him to get some therapy to deal with his anger before it becomes a real problem. Baby steps with that though.
He is a great dad and loves his kids but that doesn't mean that he's perfect or that there's no room for improvement.
As always, I struggle with how involved to get. This has been emotionally draining for me as well so I can only imagine how his D10 feels (whether she understands her feeling or not).
DH is putting his D-10 as the
DH is putting his D-10 as the go-between between he and his XW on issues of custody not only D-10's custody but the custody of her younger brother (S-8). :? :jawdrop: :sick:
Yep, he is an idiot. You are far more capable intellectually of advising DH than he is in analyzing this situation. SO needs to get a lawyer. The worst thing he can do is ignore this, put his children in the middle, and let XW get the lead on this situation.
If SO does not pull his head out of his ass soon and prove some intellect to you I suggest moving on to find a more cerebral and quality partner. Love and attraction aside you might want to reconsider a lifelong relationship with a partner who not only does not value your input but refuses to take it.
Take care of yourself.
Last I checked there was no
Last I checked there was no capability or intelligence test you had to pass to get married OR have kids?
My SO isn't an idiot or a bad
My SO isn't an idiot or a bad parent. He's just a man trying to deal with a painful divorce and move on with his life. Does his pain blind him sometimes? Absolutely. Does he make wrong choices? Yes. Would it be nice if he could set his feelings aside and do everything right? Sure. Neither of us are COD. So he's figuring this out as he goes along.
I do appreciate your comments...they're helping me to feel more compassion for him and this messed up situation.
It's hard for me to know my place in all this and what's appropriate to say. I'm trying to figure out the most helpful ways to deal with everything.
He does listen to me and value my opinion but he has a wall up where his ex is concerned.
Thank god I never had kids with someone I now hate who I have to see and talk to all the time. It sucks.
I think maybe a little
I think maybe a little clarification? You wrote:
"I finally said something last night but I sometimes feel like I'm being dismissed because I've never been married and don't have children."
People are responding as if he SAID that to you - did he? If he did, then posters are right. There are many paths to knowledge. Having a child doesn't necessarily mean you are an expert parent, just as NOT having one doesn't necessarily mean you're clueless.
But the way you phrased that made me think your SO didn't actually say that - it's just what you feel. And that's your own insecurity talking, so that's on YOU not him. Why do you feel dismissed? Is he telling you not to offer your opinion? Just not following your advice? Big dramatic sigh when you talk? What? Whatever it is, you need to address it with him, don't let it be the elephant in the room.
For what it's worth, I think your SO is making a mistake in how he's handling this as well. *shrug* But ultimately it's his call, they're his kids. And that's as true for you as it is for me. So now you need to figure out if you're OK with that. You can advise him, but you don't get a vote. You can lay out what you will and will not do for him/them, but you can't tell him how to parent if he leaves you out of it. Your ONLY "parental" authority is what he gives you. Such is steplife. You're getting a small taste of it now, so figure out if this is really what you want.