Future SD not comfortable at our house?
So its been a while since Ive been on here, and things have been going well. I wanted some feedback on a recent issue that has come up though.
FH and I recently were told that 10 year old FSD has been acting out at her moms house. She has hit and kicked her mom and grandma, and called them inappropriate names on several occassions. This was shocking to us because she has NEVER done anything like that at our house or anything even close. The worst thing she has done was lie a couple times and get an attitude, to which she is sent to her room immediately.
I am thinking that maybe she isn't comfortable at out house like she is at her moms. She is with us every wednesday and every other weekend, so its not very much in comparison.
I want her to feel as comfortable at our house as she does at her moms, but granted, we wouldn't put up with that behavior.
Any thoughts are appreciated.
Thank you!
We have SS that same schedule
and to see him at BM's he is totally different kid and not in a good way. But he does seem more comfortable there at his mom's but he does not seem uncomfortable at our house. At mom's he raids the fridge and cabinet for food and walks around like he is the man of the house. At our house he is a kid and acts like one. He will ask for snacks and stuff and ask to bring his leggos out or go play. I do not think that it is they are uncomfortable I think they feel like it is not their home but dad's house. We always tell SS this is your house to not just dad and Step G's. You have just as many things here as we do. This is a stigma that I really have issues with and feel sorry for Non Custodial parents... the kids always feel like they are visiting and not coming home. As SS has gotten older (now
he calls it our house but still none of the actions of living there daily. He is comforatable and has a fabulous room with all his stuff but still acts like a guest when he comes.
Im not sure that it is so
Im not sure that it is so much that she isnt as comfortable at your house as it is what she is allowed to get away with from BM that is making the difference between houses. I have two SD's ages 9 and 5 and they both act out at BM's house in ways that they do not at ours. They are, by now, aware of what we expect in our home and what BM expects in hers.
I agree with CrystalRE
I just got finished posting something similar. My SD is an angel with us (and everyone else, school, daycare, grandparents etc...) and a devil with her mom.
SD is totally comfortable at our house now. She's awesome!
But, in her mom's house she rules the castle. She is allowed to do whatever she wants, she is allowed to tell her mother what she wants and will get it. There is no discipline b/c that might 'upset her'.
As far as I'm concerned you teach kids how to treat you. (I happen to believe that is human nature.) If bad behavior is rewarded (with attention –positive or negative/guilt parenting/pleading) then why would the child stop the behavior?
Also, if that child does not carry that bad behavior outside of the home, that is a clear indication that the problem is with the parent, not the child. The child obviously knows that they won't get away with bad behavior in school, daycare, your house.
Kids will treat you the way you allow them to. Behavioral issues can only be diagnosed if the behavior is uncontrollable.
I agree with Crayon
I dont think that she is uncomfortable at your house I just think she realizes what she can get away with at BM's house.
My FH's kids yell at their mom and tell her to shut up and just disrespect her they have NEVER done that at our house.
Mostly cuz I would probably put a big fat sock in their pie hole if they talked to me like that!
and I think..they know that..oh I am the evil soon to be stepmom
"bawaaahhha cackle cackle"
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Same here!
In this case, the SD doesn't feel comfortable because she knows she won't be able to get away with anything there.
That is how my SD is now, it is to the point that she doeesn't know how to act good, so she is just a dead weight around the house. She figures if she can't act bad, then she'll just be a zombie. WHATEVER.
Thanks everyone! Sarah your
Thanks everyone!
Sarah your comment was so funny! I love it!!
Groovetheory, I too have noticed the "dead weight" about my FSD. She will sit in the hallway in the dark, or in her room in the dark, just sitting..I don't understand it. My FH says he thinks she is scared of me, but whatever. I am a fun, energetic person, but when it comes to kids I just don't deal with crap.
I think all of you are right in that it isn't really a comfortableness issue so much as BM lets her get away with more than we do. FSD has said things to BM in front of me that to me are full of attitude and sass, and I have told her once or twice that it is not the way she should talk to her mom. I mean, I don't really like BM but I don't think I should just keep quiet when I hear things like that either. I think BM treats her more like a "friend" than like a daughter..BM is not married and not very social, so all she really has is her daughter. The boundaries are pretty messed up over there.
My SD does that too
Too weird when I read this last post of your SD going into her room and just hanging out in the dark, or just sleeping. That is what my SD does. I don't get it either. I think it might be a form of depression.
Yikes
If she were my biochild, seeing this behavior would lead me to believe that my future marriage should be put on hold. She is 10 and needs to be the center of my world----she needs to feel like she is the center of my world. This is just my personal opinion----I wouldn't give up living, but I would postpone the wedding until.... just until.
When
I say "the center of my world", I am not saying spoiling her. I am saying that a child needs to know that the he/she really matters to the daily life of the bioparent. That someone is mindful of the needs (NOT irrational WANTS) of that child. That someone is there to place limits and watch for emotional distress. That is what I mean by "center". No one needs to fall all over the kid. I am speaking as a mom here. I filled that need for my children-----not the father. I may step on some male toes here, but usually moms do this better. I never relegated those duties to the father---
To expect a step mother to just "naturally" want to do this is not realistic. Hell, I don't want to do it for a step; it takes your whole life. No one has the right to demand/expect someone else to raise your child for you.
I agree Crayon!Nicely put! I
I agree Crayon!Nicely put!
I don't think its about her being the center of the world because she IS the center of the world with everyone in her life. She is completely spoiled, she gets everything she wants and still feels entitled to more. FH does so much for her, and doesn't even get a thank you. Her sitting in the dark is how she pouts when she doesn't get her way, or when she is told to do something she doesn't want to do, or go somewhere she doesn't want to go. At her moms house I guess she uses her words to show her feelings, and gets violent, and at our house she does this feel sorry for me drama act. She knows at this house I don't put up with a lot of things her mom lets her do, and so she goes into baby mode and stomps away and acts all dramatic. She wants me to feel sorry for her and let her do whatever it is I told her no to. She knows that Im onto her, just like Crayon said! There will always be some issue with her, BM is a very strange anti-social high anxiety person who is extremely controlling, and FSD is an only child who is extremely smart beyond her age but lacks social skills and emotional well-being of other children her age..She sees a counselor, although BM thinks there is nothing wrong, so we make the appointments..thats another story.
I agree also with crayon
They are intimidated by us Stepmoms. They basically feel powerless and should be. No kid should hold the power in the home to do whatever they want. No biokid, or no stepkid. Period. Me and my DH hold the power, and SD doesn't like that. She she usually likes situations where she can control in her favor.