Feeling really resentful and hating myself for it.
Hi, I'm a newbie here and have had a brain injury so please excuse me if I get a bit muddled.... My problem is I am becoming very resentful of my DH. He's so good in lots of ways and I love him very much but to be honest I'm getting really tired of (how I see it) playing second fiddle to just about everyone. His ex, his kids, his mum. His ex says jump, he says how high to the point where I was taken into hospital (I have heart problems too) and it was when he had the kids for the weekend and he wouldn't come to the hospital with me because it would have disrupted ex's weekend. There have been many like issues, too many to mention. Then, the stepkids, they are quite good I guess but again I feel very left out, it sounds trivial and childish I know but they won't 'friend' me on facebook but they have done with their stepdad (who they do appear not to get on with) and all of his family. They call him their stepdad but never refer to me as their stepmum, just dads woman. I have tried to talk to DH but he just tries to gloss over it which makes me worse. His ex cheated on him and her family helped in the deceit but he won't hear a bad word about them. I feel really low atm too because we had a massive row about something he said that I am having so much trouble letting go of cos it hurt so much. I really don't know what to do so any advice would be welcome. Thanks.
Sweetheart, I'm sorry you're
Sweetheart, I'm sorry you're ill and I'm sorry your husband is a ball less wonder.
As for the FB thing... FB isn't real. It isn't real life so who cares if people won't accept your friend requests? It's a web site.
It's not trivial to feel left out. These are your feelings and that makes them valid. But hon, you can't make people like you. I'm sure you're a wonderful person but if they don't like you, then stop going out of your way to make them. Don't spend your money or your heart on them. You tried and it didn't work out.
Your husband should be putting his wife first. Especially over the ex. The ladies here will have better advice then I can give on that subject.
But quit beating yourself up because some people don't want to be your friend. It doesn't make you a bad person.
It was 3 years before we got
It was 3 years before we got married and he was like this for a while then but we talked about it and things got a bit better but have drifted back to it now. It's 6 mnths since we got married.
Your husband NEEDS to put you
Your husband NEEDS to put you first over his ex. It doesn't matter if she is the mother of his children, you are his wife. You come first. It's as simple as that. If he refuses to put you above her, then quite honestly, you need to call it off. I don't take divorce lightly, but part of being married is putting eachother first. That's what you promise to do when you have a ceremony...
I'm so sorry you're going through this and I wish there was some better advice I could give, but it's up to you to tell him what you will and won't accept. Personally, I won't accept being put last after the ex or the kids. I believe in a marriage, if husband and wife don't put eachother first, it won't work out in the long run, nor will the children learn what a healthy relationship is.
Just an example, when I found
Just an example, when I found out I was going to miscarry at 8 weeks pregnant, my SD was with BM and we usually meet halfway to pick her up. My SO told BM that we may have to change plans last minute if I happen to miscarry or be in any sort of pain on the day we planned to meet halfway. Thankfully, BM isn't totally awful and understood, but if she didn't, SO would've told her fine, have fun driving 10 hours there and back on your own because my wife comes first.
Oh hon, I'm so sorry about
Oh hon, I'm so sorry about your miscarriage.
Bingo! You didn't get
Bingo! You didn't get married with the understanding that you are his wife BUT his ex and children can dictate your life!!
Now that I have been enlightened, it always makes me feel so sad whenever a SM comes on these pages and actually apologizes for even daring to think that her needs should come first, at least some of the time. What a snow job society, DHs, BMs, SKs, etc. have all done on SMs over the years where a SM would even remotely feel she has to apologize for feeling upset about not wanting to be treated like the family servant.
Excuse me. I'm going to channel Rags a second or two here: Tell them all to go to Hell }:) . If you want, you can even do it diplomatically. What is the meaning of diplomacy--it is telling someone to go to hell in such a way, that they look forward to the trip!
Truer words were never
Truer words were never spoken.
Reality: Controlling,
Reality: Controlling, manipulative BM and weak, enabling DH = Step hell.
Really, now how many divorced women knew this before they married their man: "You should know the man well enough to know what kind of man he is."?
If that is the feeling among BM and SKs, "The bm and kids have zero say in the decisions that man makes," great. Then don't come after SM for hogging all of dad's time, because that is his decision. As a matter of fact, don't come after SM for anything, because unless SM is a sociopath, it all comes down to the bios.
How long have you been
How long have you been married? If fairly recent then take heart -- you still have time to work things out.
If you've been married years already then you've got to get strong and communicate with your actions that you're not going to tolerate it any more. At least he won't get a free ride with it.
@Dancing in the... You
@Dancing in the...
You stated it perfectly
Just put "She who shall not be named" on permanent ignore.
It hurts my heart to think
It hurts my heart to think that your DH wouldn't come to the hospital to see you.
Unless you are one of those "hypochondriac" types that magnifies their maladies for attention and he was just tired of it, there should not be a good excuse.
My DH has never had a problem prioritizing his family issues. Mind you, I don't always come first, but if it is important, I am a priority too.
We had only been dating for a couple months when he was traveling out of town for business. My horse was hit by a car in front of my house and he did a U-turn and was back to help me deal with this immediately. He drove 7 hours round trip out of his way!
Sometimes, the kids things take the front seat..but so do mine.
I can't believe he couldn't find someone to sit with the kids while he went to check on you.
Thanks to all the ladies for
Thanks to all the ladies for the advice. It was very kind of you all to take the time. I have a lot of thinking to do now and some big decisions to make.
Hi, I thought I'd mention how
Hi, I thought I'd mention how lucky you are that you aren't friends on FB with any of them as it would only add to the stress you're already under. And you may not know why but they may have other reasons to have friended the stepdad. Sometimes they do this so they can keep tabs on someone if their main point of contact doesn't post much. Women actually use FB more. Anyway, I know it's hard not to feel left out but if it helps, try to reframe it as getting much-needed space but your DH should not allow skids to refer to you in any way other than by your name or dad's wife. Their term is derogatory and it needs to stop. He needs to be very clear about this IMHO. Suggest therapy for you both and if he won't go, you can go to help you make peace with whatever decision you make. I've found most people do what they want to. If after all this time, he's not trying, not intervening, not correcting, he's not likely to. Good luck and heal up. We are rooting for you!