Feeling like an outsider
So this is my first time to a site like this but I'm glad i found it. I'm not technically a step mom yet but my boyfriend and I have been together for 5yrs this October in which we live together as well. We are planning to get married once he is done with getting his bachelors. My boyfriend has a 16yr old son from his previous relationship. His sons biological mom suffers from bipolar disorder so you can imagine how interesting it makes things. I personally have never met her. Couple reasons, one she has made fun of me for being epileptic (which i have been seizure free for 15yrs thanks to medication), made comments on Facebook about not being able to have kids, attacking my mom in which she said she looks like a "retard" after just going through 18months of chemo. I could go on but those are the major ones. But than she'll tell my boyfriend she only wants to talk to me which he doesn't allow because of how she is or she's on the attack and hates me. For instance, I used to always go with my boyfriend to bring his son home on Sundays as it was sometimes a 45 minute drive to drop him off. Did it for about 4yrs. Well six months ago she heard that i met my boyfriends sons girlfriends mom and had a nice conversation with her. Well after that she made a huge stink about me not going on her property even though i never got out of the car during the drop offs. At first i was upset because it always feels that we do whatever she wants so she doesn't get upset. Now she is the type who will freak out about something but the next minute be fine with it. So a couple weeks went by and she didn't say anything about me not going so we thought it blew over. So I went on the next drop off. Well she comes out on the porch and literally flies off the handle yelling. I mean freaking out like you cant even imagine but never leaving the porch area. It was just not normal. So i have stopped going all together now. It's not worth it. So that's basically an idea of what my boyfriends ex is like.
Now my relationship with his son is good. We get along, he respects me, helps, talks to me, etc. Which is great because I know for many the hardest part is getting along with the kid. That hasn't been my problem. My problem is feeling when he is with us, it's those two and I'm outside looking in. I have talked to my boyfriend more times about this and i cant shake it. He see's how i get sometimes as i put this wall up or as he calls it I shut down. I would've thought by now this would've gone away but he isn't with us all the time and sometimes we go a couple weekends without seeing him and than he's with us. The thing is he is a teenage boy, he is going to have more in common with my boyfriend, guy stuff. Which is great they have that but what is my place. This week for example, he is with us, my boyfriend does landscaping so he is bringing his son with him to do work. On one hand it's great because he is 16 he should be working, on the other i know i wont hear from my boyfriend at all today because he's working with his son and I feel jealous. It's a horrible feeling. I'm happy for them but on the other hand i feel alone and need to do my own thing when his son is with us because I'm in the way. My boyfriend tries talking to me saying that i shouldn't feel this way which might help for a little bit but than something will happen and that lonely/outsider feeling will emerge again. I really want to stop feeling this way which is why i am here. Am i wrong feeling this way?
two things. 1. defriend the
two things.
1. defriend the mother on facebook or at teh very least block her. no reason you need to see/read hurtful comments and no reason why she needs to be involved with your life at this level. if you arent friend with her on facebook, then tell whoever is passing these hurtful comments on to you that you dont want to hear it or be part of gossip.
2. count your blessings! your SS is 16, and you have a great relationship. In a mere 2 years he will be off on his own and it sounds like he will be a productive member of society. you still have a long and happy life ahead with your partner.
Apparently, jealousy is not
Apparently, jealousy is not uncommon, although I never experienced it with my husband and his daughter, who is now 23 (she was 5 when we got together).
They are father and son, they have that bond and they have the "guy" bond.
You have a different bond with each of them. Do you feel his bond with his son is stronger than his bond with you? Do the 3 of you ever do things together?
I encouraged my husband to do things with his daughter without me. I did (and do) get along with her fine but visitation was their time together and it didn't bother me at all. I knew she would be going home and our life together would go on. I knew there would come a time when she would stop coming over and they would see each other less and less but I would still have him everyday.
He never made me feel less important, he never ignored me when she was there, and they had a pretty healthy relationship (he did not coddle or pamper her). I just had no reason to be jealous.
BM made his (our) life hell and she did what she could to come between my DH and his daughter. I did what I could to not come between them or make him feel like he had to choose who to love more.
I don't think you are necessarily wrong in what you are feeling, you feel what you feel, but try not to think of yourself as an outsider (your BF chose to be with you). Even if this was your own son, he would have a bond with his dad that would not always include you.
Thank you for your reply. The
Thank you for your reply. The last sentence struck a cord and your right. Even if he was my son, they would still have their own bond. I guess I never looked at it like that.
I don't feel their bond is stronger than what I have with my boyfriend. His son has told me he doesn't know what i did but his dad's a completely different person since we met, in a good way which was really nice to hear. Sometimes we go 3-4 weeks without seeing his son, so when he is with us I feel like you said that it is their time and sometimes it feels like I'm in the way. I work it up in my own head I'm sure but it's hard because it has never been a consistent thing with visitation. Sometimes it could be a whole week, others just two days or sometimes go weeks without seeing him.
The three of us don't do things together a lot. We'll watch a movie at night or things like that but going out and doing stuff doesn't happen much. Maybe that is something that should change. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what the three of us should do.
Thanks for your reply, you touched on a lot of things i didn't think of before
"He never made me feel less
"He never made me feel less important, he never ignored me when she was there, and they had a pretty healthy relationship (he did not coddle or pamper her). I just had no reason to be jealous."
i really envy you...
Ha, if you knew what I had to
Ha, if you knew what I had to put up with for a BM....
But she's been out of the picture since CS stopped. My DH refuses to talk to her!
So, yeah, I have it pretty good. Now.
Welcome, jeileen! I'm new
Welcome, jeileen! I'm new here, too, and also dealing with a bipolar BM (as well as two bipolar skids). Never a dull moment, right?! WHY are you FB friends with this woman?! You are not obligated to entertain her nutbaggery on any level. I would suggest unfriending her so fast, her head spins!
The area where I would say give some grace, is to "allow" your bf and his son to have their together times. Spending time with his son is *not* the equivalent of saying he doesn't want to be with you. Especially since it sounds like you have a good relationship with his son, it's not *necessary* for you to default to a position of jealousy. YOU are the one he comes home to at the end of the day, and that is something to be cherished. <3
Instead, let this work to your advantage: when my DH has time with the skids, sometimes I go with, and sometimes I don't, depending on whether *I* am interested in the activity. (And sometimes they come to my home, too, but they know they must treat me courteously... but doesn't sound like an issue in your case). If I'm not interested in what they're doing, I just say, "go enjoy yourselves, and I'll see you when you get home!" My DH and his kids are gamers, as am I, so that's something we all have in common. Surely there are a couple of things like that for you all, as well.
I will sometimes be in the car, as a matter of logistics, when SS17 gets picked up or dropped off, but I never get out of the car. I feel like it's fair to respect that boundary, and I expect it to be observed at my house, too. Conversely, since there is a baby/toddler involved at my house (my step-grandson), I choose not to get upset if SD20 occasionally asks help from BM hauling stuff from the porch to the car, as long as BM doesn't enter my house. To me, if you haven't gotten out of the car, that's acceptable and reasonable. I would personally have an issue about letting the BM force a boundary on me that I do not think is reasonable. Remember, you are dealing with an unreasonable person. Let your own boundaries and sense of propriety be your guide, and don't worry about the flame-out going on over there in the corner (or on the porch, as the case may be!)
Yes. My DH always says this about the BM: "never forget who you're dealing with", which in this case, is a woman with a mental illness. Sometimes trying to apply common sense or logic to a situation will just drive YOU crazy, too--and one woman in this situation needs to not be "the crazy one." Attend to your own boundaries, always, first and foremost--the BM likely doesn't have any--that makes you already ahead of the game, so to speak.
No I am definitely, 100% not
No I am definitely, 100% not friends with her on facebook. My boyfriend and I both have her blocked. There was a period of time, probably 9-10yrs ago at my previous job, where i had a lot of problems with medications. I was friends with a group of women and we lost contact after the company downsized. Years later i joined fb and one of those woman friend requested me so i accepted which was about 2yrs before my bf and i got together. Well lo' and behold the BM actually knows this woman too. So the "friend" i worked with told her. That happened in the beginning of our relationship which is why my boyfriend and i have her blocked, i unfriended that "friend" as well.
The one advantage i have with the BM in my case is she never drives or goes out of her circle which is about 30mins from where we live. So I don't have to worry about her showing up at my door. The thing is, which my bf and I have talked about in the past and this is probably the hardest thing I've had to deal with is just because she has a mental illness doesn't mean her words don't hurt. I try to never say anything bad about her to my bf's son, he'll talk about the frustrations he has at home but i try to be careful because I've learned how something innocent i say can backfire by his son talking just about our weekend. Which is not fair to him.
Trust me, that feeling of "jealousy" and being an outsider isn't always there. We've had weekends where it doesn't even cross my mind. Dealing with the BM is hard. I'll admit it, it's exhausting at times and i feel because of the things she says makes me feel like i need to tip toe and be careful when he's with us which results in the feeling of being an outsider. I know i'm not and my boyfriend definitely doesn't make me feel that way. I do fine when the BM does or says nothing which does happen when she's in a new relationship and things are new and at that high but when things stir that pot, you know. Which then results in me feeling this way and I don't know how to stop that. You would think 5yrs later this wouldn't be as hard.