Feeling left out always
I've never used one of these before but here goes. I have an adult stepdaughter. She is lovely and super responsible and extremely pretty but doesn't seem to care for me. She doesn't really talk with me even when I try, I always get the side eye. I'm nervous around her and feel like less of a person. I've been with her dad for 6 1/2 years and married to her dad a few months. When there was wedding plans for my stepdaughter, I didn't get asked to help but we were given a cost breakdown of what was expected from us, when there was a bridal shower I didn't get asked to help, I would have loved to be a part of it. At the wedding when we were introduced, I was noted only as her fathers escort. I'm not asking for a ticker tape parade but being left or not even acknowledged hurts. I can't say that I haven't withdrawn from her, I have to a point because I can't stand feeling like I'm not good enough. She has a stepfather and praises him all the time and gives him big happy birthdays online and I barely get a thing except a tiny post on my Facebook where everyone posts. I feel like a loser and it hurts. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know how to fix it. I try to be light and breezy and joke around to make her feel at ease with me but I get eyeball rolls for my effort. Should I just give up? It's not supposed to be this way. My mom and stepmom talk all the time and joke around with each other. I treat my stepmom with respect even when I disagree with her. Am I being to sensitive? It's not just the wedding that bothered me it's everything. I'm not here to replace her mom or try to put myself above her, I just want to feel like I matter too. No one will listen to me. My husband tells me to let it go and I try until another thing happens that makes me feel less than. Am I crazy?
Nope nope and NOPE
Welcome to steptalk! Check out the forum titled "Adult Stepchildren", and you will see how commonplace your experiences actually are. Each of our experiences have different what I call flavors, but there are many commonalities we all experience.
- Feeling left out, because you actually ARE being left out? Check!
- Spouse who doesnt notice, or chooses to ignore the bad treatment of the person they chose to partner with and marry? check!
- referenced as the random plus 1 at weddings, shunted off to the side and placed at a table in siberia separated from your spouse the parent, after contributing thousands? Check!
- Miniwife SD who blathers on and on about how great stepfather is and can barely acknowledge YOUR existence and place in her fathers life? Check check check!
Absolutely do NOT let this go. He wants you to let it go because (choose 1 or more):
A. He really doesnt think shes doing this, and thinks you are just "being sensitive" or "imagining it" or "you just want to pick on my kid(s)"
B. Sd is his mini-wife, he only married you for your wife-appliance attributes and hes very enmeshed with her, and soon her husband might begin to notice and not like it and maybe they wont continue being super enmeshed...maybe once she has a child of her own (that she can use as a tool to control daddycakes)...
C. He "just wants everyone to get along", and not rock any boats.
D. He knows its happening, and doesnt want to acknowledge it because he doesnt really truly care on that level how you feel about her shabby treatment of you.
E. She sounds like a jerk, acts like a jerk, she might just be a ...jerk.
D. You need to "let it go" ie disengage and STOP trying. STOP buying gifts, making overtures, joking, making small or any talk. He wants you to disengage, so go for it, hes given you full unfettered permission. Anything she wants contributions for, DH can do so. Any grands that come along, he can manage that too. Birthdays, holidays...you get my drift.
Read around, you will see how much better you will feel. You are not alone and you MATTER.
You matter.. to your husband.
You matter.. to your husband. His adult daughter? maybe you don't. so if so.. you can disengage.. it seems her treatment kind of extends to her dad.. who got the "list of costs".
If you were not married when she got married.. then the way you were introduced.. as his date.. was not far off.. not sure how you would have expected her to describe you if you aren't close.
Im curious if her dad was the reason for the divorce? did he cheat? were you the other woman.. or just subject to his daughter's reluctance to accept any woman her dad is with due to his treatment of her mom?
I would try to not worry about mattering to people like that..
How can the person you describe be "lovely"?
And no, do not give up. Rather rub her nose in the stench of her bullshit. Call her on it. Immediatley, publically, and as humiliatingly as you can.
"You know you little jerk. I try to engage with you and get nothing from you but eye rolling. What crawled up your butt and died? You worship your StepDad and treat me like crap. Stop that. NOW! I am married to your father and you will not be disrespectful to me."
Do this in front of her daddy, her mommy, her StepFather, and anyone else present when she pulls her far from "lovely" crap.
Make sure DH knows that you are done tolerating the disrespectful entitled failed family spawn crap and he damned well better have your back when she pulls her crap next time. And she will.
Public humiliation presented with calm confident assertiveness will put her in her place. Once you do it, make sure you let her know her crap will not be tolerated one bit going forward and if she reverts to her usual eye rolling crap, you will bare her ass.
Take care of you and let DH know he mans up, finds his balls, and gets her under control, or you will and neither one of them will like that at all.