Fear of dating anyone with kids after SD and her mother
I feel bad saying this, but I can't be the only one out there that has a healthy fear of dating anyone with children in the future after my terrible experience with the SD and her mothers enabling behavior. I know there are good women out there that hold their children accountable but I am troubled at the prospect of encountering another child like the former SD or a mother that makes excuses and enables poor behavior. I know this is made even worse by the fact that I have a son, that being said I believe in accountability and responsibility, as I know many parents, namely women do as well. Anybody else feel this way at the conclusion of their marriage with the prospect of dating on the horizon? Not to mention the dating pool in your 40s can be kind of shallow. Just a random thought and looking for perspective.
It isn’t even fear. It’s a
It isn’t even fear. It’s a rule. I will never again be with someone with kids.
My DH has a son and he's a
My DH has a son and he's a good parent. It's the not the kids that are the issue, it's the poor parenting that's the problem. Just listen to what they say, watch how they parent, and don't let "love" blind you.
I copied this from your last blog:
"this is a woman who is in her mid 30s and has never held a fulltime job or been able to or had to support herself or her kids on her own. Her ex, her parents or me have supported her and bailed her out, her entire life"
That's where you went wrong. Find a grown-up woman who can take care of herself and hold herself accountable - then watch how she parents.
It's ridiculous to swear off of dating anyone with kids, that will likely mean you are going to have a very hard time finding someone (though I don't have kids and I was 44 when I met DH).
Most people on here ignore the red flags they see when dating - don't do that next time.
I was sold a bill of goods
I was sold a bill of goods that turned out not to be as presented. STBXW was about to finish her degree at a good school when we met with plans of entering the workforce in a professional field. I was told ‘when you retire I will work and you can relax’. That was not my style and I had every intent at working full time which I did until I decided to switch fields. STBXW tried her hand in her field and decided “I can’t do it” after several weeks. This is my second marriage and after the first I vowed o Lt to marry someone with at least the same level of education as myself because the former ex was a huge leach. So no I need to add on that someone needs to be gainfully employed as a stipulation.
From many of the posts on here it doesn’t seem too ridiculous to have a healthy trepidation of dating one with kids again.
This is a small, self
This is a small, self-selected group of people with bad experiences as stepparents. You can't generalize anything from this board.
I completely understand being
I completely understand being sold a bill of goods. My XW and my XILs are the poster family of that.
A beautiful, smart woman from a "respectable" successful family. XFIL was a former city councilman, long time State engineer , XMIL was a noted business woman in the city.
Meanwhile, throughout our blessedly short marriage my adulterous cavern crotched skank whore of an XW was shopping the pooty to every swinging Johnson she could lay her hands on.
Over time the picture came into focus. As it turns out XMIL was embezzling millions from her employer's company and ended up in Federal prison. As I understand it, my XW ended up liable for $2Mil of the settlement her family made with the owner of the company. As the family walked out of the final settlement hearing XMIL was arrested by the federal marshals. Fortunately I got out long before the Feds came calling.
The bill of goods I was sold had nothing to do with children. My XW did not have any children when we married and neither did I. Fortunately we didn't have any when we divorced either and I avoided polluting my gene pool with that shallow and polluted character free clan gene pool. Though at one point during the divorce process she was pregnant by her Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy. She miscarried that child. She called me blubbering in the middle of the night when she lost that baby. It could not have been mine. We had not had sex in more than 8mos. Calling me with her out of wedlock pregnancy issues turned out to be a multi year thing for her.
She ended up having 3 out of wedlock children by her next two husbands. The first two with the geriatric executive cheat partner she was seeing prior to and post divorce. He finally married her after she has spawned him two boys. He booted her ass during the family embezzlement party in the courts when she became pregnant by the boyfriend she was cheating on him with. That guy became DH number three though their spawn was born prior to them marrying.
The counter point to my XW is my amazing bride of nearly 25 year and she had a child when we met. She was a 16yo single teen mom. She went on to graduate with her HS class with honors though the school attempted to get her to leave school for the pregnant girl GED program. We met her first semester of university and the final semester of my 11yr undergrad plan. She went on to a dual major BS with honors, an MBA with honors and a successful career as a CPA. When we married all we had was my newly printed BSEE, two 8yo cars and two apartments full of college furniture. I added an MBA, a professional license and a professional certification of my own while she was completing her undergrad, grad school and her CPA certification. Your thoughts on comparable educations and gainful employment are wise IMHO.
It is a delicate balance. I caution you not to write off women of character who have had their version of what you have suffered. They too may have been sold a bill of goods that was nothing more than a shiny turd.
Take care of you.
Yeah... I won't date anyone
Yeah... I won't date anyone with kids for sure. At this point I don't even know if I will date again at all. After 2 really bad relationships (one marriage one thank God I didn't marry),. I feel like I am just happier and better off when single (both emotionally AND financially). My "picker" is clearly broken/non-existant or complete A-holes are just attracted to me.
NO, do not date anybody with
NO, do not date anybody with kids, period; not worth the risk. Only a few can balance interests. Most have not a clue for whatever reason, nobody can ever explain or understand. Do not go there, you do not have to now...just say NO.
I used to say that I would
I used to say that I would never date anyone with kids but I caved with my current boyfriend because I really liked him and his daughter lived on the other side of the country. BM moved back 6 months into our relationship and there are so many times I've wanted to walk away most due to BM or SD.
If we ever break up I will NEVER date anyone with kids again I don't care if BM is nice and the kids are perfect angels. NOPE not taking the chance.
Dating shouldn't be a big concern right now
I don't think you're in a position to totally rule out people with kids because you have a child... And you need to recognize that many of the 30- and 40-something women who do not have kids will not want to date you for that reason (speaking as someone who falls into that category).
More importantly, take a breather from relationships and focus on your son and yourself and a new life. It always kind of baffles me on this site when people coming out of relationships that they've described as pretty awful are thinking about dating so soon; you're not even divorced. Makes me wonder if they wound up in the last bad relationship because they are so afraid of being alone they looked the other way when the red flags presented themselves. Make sure you take the time to really figure out how you ended up in that situation so it doesn't happen again. If you do that kind of work, you'll be better positioned to attract a better partner.
I second Second!!
This!!
Again, it appears as though
Again, it appears as though many in here have an inherent fear of dating anyone with children again after suffering through the trauma of a terrible step child and an enabling parent. I do understand that the dating pool at my age is shallow and made even more so by a potential hard rule not to date anyone with kids again.
As as far as dating goes I don’t go into the future day by day. Do you? I try to plan and figure things out as much as life will allow. My whole life’s trajectory has changed drastically and I am trying to figure things out so I am interested in other perspectives. Additionally the STBXW and I have not been together for many months, this didn’t occur yesterday.
I'm confused by all of you
I'm confused by all of you who HAVE kids, saying you would never date someone WITH kids. All of you are living proof that you can be divorced and still parent your children in a positive and effective manner. So why would you assume that there are no divorced people with children who can parent effectively? Obviously, there are are. You just have to understand what you are looking for.
Hopefully it's a non issue
Hopefully it's a non issue since things are currently good with my SO but I have thought about what it would look like if we broke up.
Although I don't have experience in it I'm sure blending kids on both sides would be more of a challenge. I would also really worry about what is be exposing my child to. I have 3 friends who were sexually assaulted by their step brothers growing up and their parents never knew and still don't. I also feel like way too many people try to be friends with they're kids now and I couldn't deal with that but maybe it seems worse after being on here reading about so many Disney dad's.
I agree that there are other
I agree that there are other challenges involved in blending two sets of kids, and I actually think that people don't think that through before they try it.
But yes, this site is skewed. There are tons of men out there who can parent, my DH being one of them. I'm just here because BM is a loon.
In my case the STBXW did not
In my case the STBXW did not give me an indication in our relationship that she was enabling to her daughters behavior. Nor did I see the behavior in full force until it was too late. Many (most) of us have had our lives completely upended. Is it with the risk again to find out a year, two, three years later that you’re waking down the same path with a terrible stepchild? For many it is not based on the comments in this thread.
Upon my divorce from my
Upon my divorce from my adulterous cavern crotched whore of an XW I was done with marriage. I dated extensively for more than 3 years. Always making sure that those I was dating did not in any way resemble a life partner. I had a great time. I am still friends with a couple of the women I dated during that time.
Somewhere in that journey I transitioned to dating amazing women. Any one could have been a great life partner. I had an invitation to a Thanksgiving celebration of a former Governer and Cabinet Secretary's home as I was dating his niece. She was amazing. Her parents and mine went to college together. Her dad and my dad were childhood friends.
Two weeks before Thanksgiving I met my wife. So, I declined the invitation to the shindig event and my STB wife and I cooked dinner together on TG.
We married 8mos later and have had a great life.
While I do not know the ins and outs or dating in my 40s and beyond, I know that even after marriage to a toxic person, there are good people out there looking for other good people.
You will find one.
Take care of you. Take care of your boy. It will take dedication from you to minimize the impact of his toxic mother and her elder children.
Thank you Rags for your post,
Thank you Rags for your post, insight and kind words. I am glad you have found a great partner. Gives me hope.
Call me a hypocrite, but I
Call me a hypocrite, but I made the same decision. I did not want a partner with children even though I have a son and a stepson. Having been through the dysfunction of steplife, I did not want to play on the merry-go-round again.
Please realise that not everyone with kids is a sloppy parent. You can not paint everyone with children as being in the mould of your ex because it is not true. You two didn't work for a reason and part of it is you not enforcing your own boundaries with your partner. Own your own contribution to the situation with your ex and learn from it. Make sure your own parenting with your kids is up to snuff and that you don't become the horror partner your future interest may detest and want to avoid.
It remains your choice as to what you want for your life. Just remember that poor choices, bad boundaries, shitty character, disregard for you is not only limited to people who have children. It can exist in the child-free too. Choose wisely next time and make sure the person is not only worthy of you, but that you live up to being worthy and respectful of her.
Sound advice and thank you.
Sound advice and thank you.
My experience is that most
My experience is that most women will make excuses for their kids and defend their kids even if they are behaving poorly and are in the wrong. There are many factors that contribute to this. The children mainly view their mother as a their mother and a mother only. They do not care that she is also a person with needs, wants, etc. Their view her only as their mother and anyone who threatens what she can do for them will be chased away. There is also the divorce factor and the mother is afraid that her kids won't like her anymore is she set standards with them and has to become stricter. So she allows them to get away with more than they should out of this fear. The other bio parent also feels the same. The stepkids also know they can play all parents against one another and get away with it. This includes their mother, their father and the step parents. This is why most stepkids are poorly behaved, entitled, manipulative brats, who more times than not end up having major issues when they get older.
Children are a product of
Children are a product of parenting. Crappy parents.... build shitty kids. Though there are exceptions, these crotch turds do not generally get better as they progress into adulthood. If anything, more often than not, they get worse.
Pretty simple.
Adults in adult relationships should be relationship centric rather than child centric. Child centric ruins both marriages and children.
IMHO of course.
I can see how some step
I can see how some step parents on this board have been traumatized by their experiences but there are men/women out there who parent their kids, implement consequences, and don't enable poor behavior. My H is one of them and I personally know some pretty awesome people with children from prior relationships that don't tolerate BS from their kids. You shouldn't allow a bad experience dictate whether you should date a person with kids or not. Of course its your choice to do as you wish but you have the option of seeing how they interact and takes action in certain sitations when it comes to their kids. One red flag and of course its a no go but don't limit yourself to a potential awesome partner out of fear.
You already know what to look for, if that person shows negatives signs that you have seen and experienced from your past you know not to go further.
That's the good thing about life lessons.......you usually learn from them and try not to repeat them. So keep your options open and know that not ever parent is like your Ex......in my most humblest opinion of course.
I hope DH and I work out, but
I hope DH and I work out, but I wouldn't commit to someone with kids. I have kids. I'm not a psycho. But that seems like a rarity. Bed buddies, sure, but nothing serious until my kids (or theirs) would be old enough not to be a problem. (But that sounds like maybe never, lol)