Ex wife staying the night over Christmas???
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A friend of mine USED to be a stepmom.
She said the first year she was married to her NOW ex husband, he insisted on his EX wife the BM of the skids, staying the night Christmas Eve and waking up Christmas morning at HIS home WITH HER his NEW wife.
She said even though my friend, the new wife, objected venomously, her husband insisted that the kids have never had a Christmas without their mom.
My friend stayed upstairs the ENTIRE time the ex wife and BM of the kids was over at the house, who can blame her?
Thankfully, it is NOW her EX husband, she only stayed married two years....
I told her that horror story belonged on this site. }:)
Parents that feel this way
Parents that feel this way need to find some way to work it out and not get divorced.
How do they think a divorce is ok but Little Susie and Little Johnny can't wake up on Christmas without both parents there? Give me a break. Or in this case, a divorce.
I said the same thing to my
I said the same thing to my guy. "If it was SO important to you that your kids spend all all holidays with both parents at the same time and have them together as much as possible, why didn't you make your marriage that important?" It makes no sense to me.
If I hadn't put my foot down,
If I hadn't put my foot down, something similar would've happened to me last Christmas.
FDH used to go to BM's every Christmas morning since their divorce (6 years prior). The kids were younger and there was a big to-do over Santa. And he was either single or with a woman who spent Christmas at home with her own kids and didn't care. Whatever the combo of circumstances, he went... that was their deal.
The first year I was with him (11 months into a very serious relationship), I was informed that BM would not allow me over for that event because her parents were in town. Just an excuse. I was pissed. And hurt that he didn't stand up for me. But I let it go (sort of). He spent a couple hours there that morning and was with me by 1PM. He also would've spent Christmas Eve with me had my water heater not distributed its contents all over my new floors (I told him not to come-- total craziness)
A year later, we'd moved in together and we would have the kids on Christmas Eve until noon Christmas Day. Since his kids no longer believed in Santa and my grown son was coming to continue our own tradition of opening gifts on Christmas Eve, this was a natural progression to basically make sure BM (who was causing all kinds of issues at the time) would NOT be attending. FDH and I argued but he relented. (His argument was this was how it was always done). But mind you, the arguments only started when BM was trying to push her way into the festivities and FDH had to tell her no. She pushed harder, pulled the heart strings, "oh the poor kids" and whatnot and well... we fought and fought. I even had my shrink consult others on this and she came back with a resonating "THIS IS NOT OK UNLESS ALL PARTIES ARE OK WITH IT!!. Also, not good for the kids to think one big happy family is still happening".
I was SO angry that our first Christmas in our new house was being ruined with all this leading up to the holiday. Meanwhile, the kids were fine with the new tradition. Two Christmases! More gifts! Yet, BM was pissed she couldn't sit her cranky ass on my couch and try to take over the event in my home.
That was the final nail in the coffin of my "friendly relationship" with BM and it's gone downhill from there. But it was a very big first step in my man telling his Ex "NO!" and doing what was right for me and our relationship.
Had it gone any other way, I would also be an ex today.
Good for your friend. Leaving was the only alternative there.
My cousin and her ex do the
My cousin and her ex do the same thing. They are both remarried with subsequent children and they sleepover during the holidays and go on vacations/camping together. To find 4 willing adults to do this is bat shit crazy to me, but it works for them and all the kids.
If it works for all, that is
If it works for all, that is one thing. It's very different when the wife objects and then has to hide out.
My sister and her ex did a lot of family stuff together after they divorced. Spending the night was not one of them.
My parents separated/divorced
My parents separated/divorced when I was 16. The first year (it was only a few months after the separation) my dad came to the house and spent Christmas with mum, my sister and I.
The next few years we went back and forth between their homes (the kids did)
After about 4 years, we were young adults, and my mum and sd, dad and sm and ALL the kids (me and bio sis, 2 step sis from sm, 3 step siblings from sd) ALL spent the day together. This went on for a number of years - with various of the numerous children attending or not.
When dad and sm split, and sd's kids stopped hanging out with "our" family so much it became mum, dad and step-dad, my sister and her family and me and my family.
My dad and step dad became best friends. They worked together, hung out together. FF 25 years, my dad needed somewhere to live, mum and step-dad had rooms on the bottom level of their house, they created a granny flat for dad, and he lived there with them until he passed away last November. My mother and step-father were devastated at his illness and passing. They both considered him family.
That is awesome.
That is awesome.
That is pretty awesome .. and
That is pretty awesome .. and my exact point that not all ex's have to be mortal enemies. I know a lot of us deal with psycho BMs, but just because exs get along and remain friends doesn't mean they should have "stayed married" (a comment I received yesterday; unrelated to your post).
Sorry to hear about your dad, though
That Luchay is how my exMIL
That Luchay is how my exMIL operates. We've all learned to get along with people that came into our lives. Her exH & her new husband became friends because of her. She allowed her ex to see his grandchildren in the same way as her 2nd husband. When his health was failing, she & her 2nd husband took him in.
My current situation? I'd have to call animal control if BM or BMs family landed on my doorstep }:)
I don't even want BM waving
I don't even want BM waving from the car as it slows down to drop out a skid - on any day - but especially Christmas.
If any man was insisting that BM spend the night I'd just insist that she MUST sleep in our bed with us. Because that would not be any more ridiculous that what he was proposing.
My best friend has been divorced for 25 years. Every year on Christmas she goes to her ex's home. I've gone with her in the past. He's on his third wife. His first wife and her husband come too. I think it is the stupidest thing ever. The "kids" are now in their 30s.
I know my friend has still slept with him on several occasions. Wonder if the first wife has too?
"If any man was insisting
"If any man was insisting that BM spend the night I'd just insist that she MUST sleep in our bed with us. Because that would not be any more ridiculous that what he was proposing."
Nailed it, lady!
LOL - this reminds me of my
LOL - this reminds me of my ex.
He met his new gf (now fiancé) 2 weeks after we separated. At this stage we had a large house with a 2 br granny flat downstairs. His mum lived in the flat, he moved in to the second bedroom. 3 dd's and I stayed in the main part of the house upstairs.
About 4 weeks after separating he came to me and said he was planning for the new gf to have sleepovers at our house!! Because she lived an hour away and it was better than them paying for hotels...
I was gobsmacked. (should be glad he told me upfront so I could say not just no but oh HELL no!)
I even asked if she actually had agreed to this? Booty calls at MY house with me, 3 daughters and HIS mother present?
Some people have no idea of boundaries.
Now, that's just weird.
Now, that's just weird.
LOL - yep - I think as he
LOL - yep - I think as he only saw the last 12 years of my parents step-dynamic he just thought it was fine for us to just jump straight to that level of friends and acceptance, and that I would be fine with it.
Weird does not even cover what *I* told him it was.
Perverted.
Your friend is a nut. Just
Your friend is a nut. Just because your spouse suggest/IR demands something, doesn't mean you have to comply.
If the husband is too dumb to understand hell no, then you contact BM and let her know she will be sorry if she enters your home.
No wonder he's her
No wonder he's her ex-husband. I'm sorry, but no matter how well the parents get along, this is crossing the line IMHO. Why would he even think this was appropriate with or without his spouse's objection??? WOW.
LOL I stayed for Christmas
LOL I stayed for Christmas weekend in the guest bedroom of my exH & my BD's SM before.
I couldn't get a hotel & they offered so I took it. They're nice people though. My exMIL convinced me it was okay & I got up & made breakfast for everybody. Bought them a case of wine & flowers when I left.
We're all very civil so I really appreciate the wonderful woman in my BD's life.
My current BM? I'd rather eat glass than have her come withing 300 feet of me...oh wait! She can't come within 300 feet of me }:)
Not just no but FUCK no. If
Not just no but FUCK no. If this subject was ever brought up I'd laugh my ass off at my husband for even thinking I'd go for something like this!
I believe it just depends on
I believe it just depends on the dynamic and civility. My dad traveled out of state and spent the night in my mom and Stepdads house when I was in high school, you could tell my stepmom felt somewhat odd but it all worked. Mind you this was 5-8 years after the divorce.
Additionally years after mom and stepdad spent the night at my dads house for my sisternlaws baby shower. No issues. However how my dad had treated the kids is different and he got intoxicated and made a few comments to my mom a couple months back and I don't think they could be civil again like that---heck at my graduation my mom was there and she left then my dad came over to congratulate me back in May.
BM isn't even allowed in my driveway. She can pick SS up the street as we do at her house mind you she has no real drive way. I dot think I could ever even stomach the thought of her stepping foot into my house. I think a lot of it goes with my parents at the time had a mutual respect that each had moved on, as kids I never got holidays together as my mom was always working so they wanted us to have a good memory...however BM STILL WEARS MY DHS CLOTHES DURING PICKUP/DROP OFFS. It disgust me this is years later so I could never entertain more than the necessary civilness.
Holy shit!! If my DH insisted
Holy shit!! If my DH insisted on this - he'd find himself with bags packed, standing on the streets, scratching his head. I'd probably light his ass on fire too.