I had a great relationship with SD from age 7 until just a couple months prior to turning 11. I hope your situation is different.

bm to s12 hates me one minute loves me the next

When her father and I first married, she was 8 and used to follow me around the house and sit on my lap. She was more affectionate toward me than she was toward DH in a lot of ways. I had to tuck her in at night, read her a book, give her a kiss, etc. But now she is 16 and I have not even seen her face since June. She has tried to convince DH that I am a terrible person and was it not for me he would see her regularly (she now lives with BM). So, our relationship definitely did NOT improve with time.

When i met my SD, she was 5. Wanted to play with me all the time, i took care of her when she was sick, took her shopping, did her hair,etc... when she was 12 she told me she wished i was her real mom sometimes. Now she's 15 and we can barely be in the same room together. She moved in with us for 16 months then decided to go back to her mom's house a few weeks ago. She has DESTROYED my marriage.

Now, let me say that this child has a lot of issues that we have had to deal with that has certainly changed things. Part of it is that she is a teenager and part of it is that she has a lot of emotional issues.

I'm not saying your situation will be as bad as mine, but I am saying that you should tread lightly. I strongly suggest that you decide now (and discuss with DH) that he should handle enforcement of rules, punishments, etc... SDs will definitely start resenting you down the line when you say they can't go here or are grounded for this and that. You guys can discuss your opinions behind closed doors, but he should present decisions.

You are awesome when you are being a friend, confidant, cook, etc...but when they get into those years when they don't like their BM or BF, they certainly aren't going to like you either. Teens as a rule don't like their parents to begin with, but they are stuck with them. They don't think they HAVE to be stuck with you.

I'm pretty sure that my SD tries to think of ways to start fights with me and then cries to dad because "she doesn't understand why I have to be in her business"

this isn't good stuff at all...... i have sd12 and foresee her being a big huge PIA ----- DH hates BM and everything about her and sees that SD is developing the same great trailer park qualities so i do not see him taken her side -- but who knows...... kudos to you great women who allow skids to move in --- i pray to god i am never faced with that ----- because it will be a big fat NO and may lead to the big fat D...

I have 3 SDs. Let's just say that in the 6+ years I've been in the picture, it has been...an adventure, to say the least.

The girls were 13, 11, and 8 at the time. My relationship with each of them has changed over the course of the years, due to their personalities, and mainly the HUGE amount of PAS their BM has heaped on them over the years.

In the beginning, I was actually closest to middle SD, now 17. Now, I don't have ANY relationship with her. Nothing. Nada. And she still comes to our home on a 50-50 schedule. (Try going on a vacation with a child that you don't interact with at all).

Oldest SD, now 19, actually moved into our home FT when she turned 16 because of the issues she was having with her BM. I would say that we are fairly close, as I helped her through some pretty rough times (like when her BM almost kept her from going to the Junior Prom and I came to her rescue). Now she is in her second year of college and maintains a very distant relationship with her BM because she has accepted that she is NUTS.

And youngest SD is now 14. She is most screwed up by BM and the PAS, and is like a "puppet" for her BM. Whatever BM says- she does. Ever see a shaking chichuachua (sp?)? That's SD14- she's so beaten down by the emotional abuse from BM that she doesn't know which end is up. She's going to buy some therapist a nice summer home (and a boat) one day with all the therapy she needs!
I keep my distance with her, because I know ANYTHING I say to her goes right back to BM...

Like any relationship dynamic, it all ebbs and flows. Who knows what the future holds? But when you add an unstable BM to the mix, just keep your guard up, because it could all blow up in your face at any moment!

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

I worry too. My SD wants me to behave like a real mom now but then she resents me for it in the same breath. What's going to happen when she's 15 and she's pissed at being abandoned by her BM and decides to take it out on me?