Do I need to speak with BM every time I need SD to babysit?
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DH and I would like SD who is 14 yo to babysit our BD on non DH parenting time. bM keeps insisting that we need to speak with her before asking SD. She even has her SD tellIng us this now. I do not think this is reasonable. I feel that we are being held to a different standard and that the norm is to contact the sitter directly. Curious to know what is typical when asking a teenage sitter to babysit and what you have done when encountering resistance from BM. We pay SD prevailing rates for a sitter of her age and experience. Thanks.
I'm surprised mom is allowing
I'm surprised mom is allowing SD to sit for you during her time.
When I used teen sitters, I always cleared it with the parents before asking the girls.
BM did not at first. We want
BM did not at first. We want the girls to bond. Did you not speak to the sitter about it first or did you go straight to the parent? Was this every time you used the sitter or just the first time?
I always spoke to the parents
I always spoke to the parents first.
In my circle parents have final veto power. No matter what a child agrees to, parents can always say no. Asking the parents first, avoids problems later.
I agree with df. You need to
I agree with df. You need to talk with bm first so you can see if she has any plans with sd, or if sd has other things scheduled during that time. I don't think sd, at 14, is equipped to be making those decisions without consulting her mom first. And the same would apply if the bm were in your situation, asking sd to babysit on DHs time.
My sister watches my baby but
My sister watches my baby but she is of driving age and therefor I do not ask my parents first. I think that when I was 14 I was asked directly by the parents to babysit and then I would clear it with my parents.
That's our plan although not
That's our plan although not many options where we live.
So you want SD to watch YOUR
So you want SD to watch YOUR kid when she is with her MOTHER, right? And you DON'T think you should go through BM and ok it first?
Haha, as a BM, I would fully expect XH and SM to ask if it's ok to use SD's "services" on "my" time.
In some circles speaking to
In some circles speaking to the parents first is normal.
Using a SK to sit for you during the other parent's isn't the norm.
Can you imagine the uproar on here if a SM posted that a BM wanted SD to sit for a half sib during dad's time? :jawdrop:
I think you misunderstood my
I think you misunderstood my issue. I can't even ask if SD is available for aMonday night while she is sitting in front of me on a Saturday of our weekend together. If the SD is open then i would of course expect consultation and agreement of all parents involved. If BM has plans for SD that SD was not aware of or feels that it wouldn't be doable I would be ok with it.
Just a few notes. BM was not
Just a few notes. BM was not willing to allow this until lawyers got involved. DH and I prefer to ask SD if she is available and willing first before going to BM to discuss with her. In my view, there is no need to discuss with BM if SD says that she can't. We wanted SD to be our sitter because we think it would be good for the children. I do agree that BM should have input just questioning why anyone else can ask BM directly and we cannot.
I was pointing out that I do
I was pointing out that I do agree that the bio parent who has SD for parenting time has the final decision making. In this case BM would be final say so. I think the responses here have been helpful. It looks as though the responses suggest there is no universal norm on requesting sitting services from a teenager or through the parent. But ultimately the parent would have to be in agreement which was never an issue for me in the first Place. It seems that some responses suggest that being in a step/divorced family makes this particular issue different than the normal sitter arrangements. This makes my heart ache for my SKs as both just want normal lives and spend time with their sister.
So I assume you would have no
So I assume you would have no problem if BM needed her to babysit for her or if SD decided to babysit for someone else on your DH's time, is that correct? If so, then I see your point. But somehow, I have a feeling that if SD was babysitting for BM or anyone else on your DH's time, you and your DH would flip.
PS - 14yrs should be doing exactly what their parents say they should be doing and in this case, it is the BM who has custody at those times...therefore, HER rules apply
No we did not have a problem
No we did not have a problem when SD asked to babysit for another family on DHs time so long as transportation was figured out and we knew the family. It was only a problem Once because we could not get transportation figured out.
I'm sorry but this is out of
I'm sorry but this is out of your hands, and your DH's for that matter. What mom does with her court ordered custody time is her's alone. Personally, you and your DH have no right to even be upset. This is what happens when people either divorce or have kids out of wedlock, you do not get to dictate what happens on the other person's time, and if mom says no, it's no.
Sure, you can ask your SD first, but she has to ask her mom about it right after to see if she can. If mom says no dice, then no dice. If she says yes, then kudos to her for being generous.
I never viewed it as a favor
I never viewed it as a favor to me. I saw it as anopportunity for my SD to earn money and get valuable experience while continuing to foster a close relationship between sisters.
The parents wanting my kiddo
The parents wanting my kiddo to baby- or dog-sit always cleared it with me first. She hated to say no, and didn't always think of what else she had going on. And if she said yes, I felt compelled to allow her to do it rather than inconvenience the parents. Or to cover for her if she couldn't actually do it, due to a heavy workload for school.
I used to babysit all the
I used to babysit all the time in high school. Some parents would call me, leaving me to get permission from my mom. Some of the parents would ask my mom first and then she would relay the message to me, allowing me to call the parent to confirm or deny. It wasn't a big deal either way.
You could easily tell SD, "I'm calling your mom later to see if you can watch DD. Do you know of any conflicts?"
Also, just ask SD how she schedules other babysitting jobs.
Thanks for the advice. That
Thanks for the advice. That is how we had been dealing with it all along. But BM wants us to speak with hr first. SD told me other parents go to her directly.
hmm that totally changes
hmm that totally changes things, it's a control thing.
I was a babysitter when i was
I was a babysitter when i was 13 14 and whoever I was babysitting for contacted me HOWEVER this isn't a normal relationship here and from the sounds of it BM is difficult...
I would say if this was your bff's kid from down the street no big deal but because it's the bm and you're asking for sd to babysit during bm time you'll have to follow her rules, at least until sd is older. Like DF said up above, im sure you guys would be upset if bm had a new baby and she was asking your bio w/ dh to watch her baby.
I'd say find another babysitter, this is one less thing to worry about. Good luck!
I guess it's just an issue
I guess it's just an issue because BM is an ass.
First off 1966, you have
First off 1966, you have three posters on this blog that will argue just because you are a SM. Take them and their rudeness and post altering ways with a grain of salt.
It SHOULD be ok to talk to skid first and then her clear it through the mom since it is on her time. BUT…BM is being a turd so you may just have to find another sitter, or bite the bullet and send BM an email each time to say…please ask SD if she can babysit at such and such date and time.
Sucks but this BM is on a power trip and you really can’t do anything about it.