Divorce. When did you know for sure?

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I am not doing well. I am struggling with what the rest of my life and my children's lives will be. I don't want to hurt my children. My stepson started living with us full time two years ago and I am not doing well with it. I have two young girls: 4 and 1. I don't want to hurt them by breaking up their mom and dad. I don't want them traveling from home to home. I don't want a step parent in their lives. I don't want to lose any time with them. Sadly, those are many of the reasons I'm still in this home. I think I can just live like this for their sake. Make the best of it. Stick it out until the child leaves eventually or my kids are grown. Some days I don't know if I can make it. When did you know for sure you wanted to disrupt your kids lives by divorcing? I feel like I can't be happy either way.

Your husband

I dont see anything about your husband. How long hsve you been married? Do you still want to be with him? Whst is he like?

Sorry for all the questions, i can tell you are hurting. Help us help you.

whats happening with your

whats happening with your husband to make you feel this way? is it because of him and the SS?

Unregulated invasion and

Unregulated invasion and negative influence by a toxic prior failed family breeding experiment is not something that your kids should have to suffer either.

I would suggest that it is time to sit down with your DH and discuss just that. A pointed discussion of the negative influences that the SKid and DH's parenting or likely more accurately, lack of parenting, of Skid has on the children that you and DH have together.

I agree with the above members who have asked about what it is about your DH, his parenting of the Skid or other issues he is perpetrating that are motivating you to consider divorce?

Do tell.

I was reading thru your blogs....

I see the SS is 12 and you have 2 younger kids with DH. Last blog, you had disengaged and DH was handling SS altho SS was home all day with you. You said you were the main breadwinner. Did I get all that right?

I don't know if you've gone down this path, i must sound like a broken record because I always say this, but have you considered individual counseling? I'm saying individual counseling rather than marriage counseling, because you sound like you are at a crossroads: divorce or not. IMO, you owe it to yourself and your girls not to make a decision like that without some emotional support. You need more than us here on ST.

I was in a similar state in 1976, looking at a house full of 2 BKs and 3SKs. DH and I weren't speaking due to the step issues. I was in despair and could hardly face another divorce yet could not continue to tolerate my daily life. Counseling saved me and changed 6 other lives.

I'm rooting for you, you sound like a caring and intelligent person who feels at the end of their rope. Good luck and please let us know how things go.

Thank you. Yes, you are right

Thank you. Yes, you are right. I've been thinking about counseling for a year. Made some calls yesterday. Not sure I feel comfortable doing zoom sessions. I would have to find a place to do it, not at home.

For many of us I don't think

For many of us I don't think we ever really know for sure. I know for me personally one day I'd just had enough. I couldn't do it anymore. We had been together for several years and I had nothing left to give. My tank was empty. The end came when I had been working many hours and had been balancing work with being a stepmom. I had saved up for a vacation with him and his kids and was very much looking forward to some much needed time off. I had finally gotten a week off work only for it to be ruined by his daughter's entitled, rude and disrespectful behavior. This had happened so many times before in the past and it had caused so many problems between us previously. I came to the conclusion that he was never going to parent his kids in a way that would require them to be respectful of others. I came to the conclusion that him defending his kids' poor behaviors would always be choosen over any respect for me and others. I disengaged completely for the final time. He became verbally abusive in return. I left him. I wasn't going to allow it to become the vacation from hell. I had worked too hard to be treated that way again. It happened too many times in the past and things were only getting worse. He saw nothing wrong with how his kids were acting. Counselling did not help. His parenting would not change. Never again.

I got divorced when the

I got divorced when the stress of my ‘ex’ step children got too much (they used to pull the old they were never going to speak to him again trick if he didn’t do what they want).

the end the attraction ended up as resentment towards my then partner for not having a spine.

I promptly applied for divorce.

If you are still attracted to your husband and generally like and love him - I would say you have still got a very good chance of your relationship working.

Thanks

Thank for responding. My husband has made changes. I have disengaged. The child's behavior is fine. He sits in his room all day and plays video games. His mother won't take him for extra time. Not sure my husband is actually asking. For the past two years the court dictated my life. All of my husbands money and our tax return has gone to paying custody battles and court bs for this kid. Bm has sent cops here, harasses my husband, threatens him with court, has done countless terrible things but the child adores her, thinks she's queen. My husband keeps telling me he is family too but he doesn't feel like my family. He is loyal to a woman who harms my family. The child and I used to love each other years ago, I would spend days with him playing and enjoying it. It all fell apart as he got older. I can't even look at him and it's clear he resents me. Disengaging helped but then it felt like it was disengaging from my husband too. I wanted a break, a getaway with my husband and our girls. I need breaks from this child. I need to have something to look forward to every summer. I even offered to pay for one vacation for the kid and one just for us. But if bm refuses to take him, my husband can't do much. I haven't felt peace in my own home in two years. No privacy. The dynamic between my husband and I have shifted so much that when the child does go to his moms for an over night, I can't even remember what it was like before we got him full time. For ten years, he came onthe weekends and for half of those years, it was more and more Infrequently. So before we got him full time, he would come like once a month. My husband and I were happy. We built our life under those conditions. He was a visitor. Then boom, mom loses custody and this child lives with me every day. It's a big change. And with every new drama, it widens the Gap between my husband and I. Honestly, maybe the only thing that could bring me peace again would be if he lived with his mother again. I had hope for two years that maybe something would change. Maybe the summers he could spend a few weeks with her or something so I could bond with my family in peace. But this is the third summer and I'm still living separate lives with my children. I've lost hope. I emailed some counselors last night but they want to do zoom meets and I don't have any privacy in my home for that. I clearly resent having to open my home to a child I don't get along with. I worked for years and saved money to have a peaceful home for me and my children and I do feel like it was stolen from me. Maybe if mom and I got along, I wouldn't find it so u bearable. Maybe if the child didn't become so much like her, I could be cool with him. Maybe if I had built in breaks where I could plan to spend special time with my family I could be happier. I feel like I'm not considered. Like I'm the least important person In my home bc I'm not a child and bc I don't have a court order. Thanks for reading this far.

Attraction

As far as sexual attraction, not at the moment. I almost died a year ago during child birth and I've struggled with some issues emotionally afterwards. I'm not into sex like I used to be. Not sure it's a me issue or our relationship issue. I love my husband but as I told him last night, I feel like he doesn't have the capacity to care for this relationship. It seems the court order and his child dictate how our relationship is cared for. It's not his fault all the time but it's reality.