Dear Prudie on Slate. If you flip genders, this was the dynamic in my DH's first family, give or take regular fights between the spouses.

Q. Mean Girls: My cousin and I are both in our 40s and grew up together. We live a good distance away, but every few months, my work takes me near her house and I'll visit and stay overnight. Her two children, who are their early teens, are horrible to her. In the few hours I'm there, they insult her looks, her cooking, and her intelligence. First it was the older one, and now her younger sister is doing the same. It seems like anything that comes of out of my cousin's mouth warrants a snide retort from one child or the other. Her husband is part (or the cause) of the problem. He says nothing when they make their comments and occasionally will "joke" along the same lines. Sometimes I will wade in with a neutral comment like "I think dinner is great. If you don't like it, why don't you try cooking next time?" but that's it. She says nothing to defend herself; occasionally she might protest with a "that's not nice" but it's very mild. I can tell, though, that she's hurt by these remarks. My cousin is a quiet and kind person who has never had a bad word to say about anyone. I am appalled by this developing dynamic. I know teenagers can be trying, but this behavior seems off the charts compared to other kids I've known. I really want to say something to these children, not just for my cousin's sake, but also because they're becoming very mean girls. I feel they're now old enough to be addressed as the young women they're becoming and understand the implications of their actions. But, is it my place (as a family member) and what would I say if I did take them aside?

A: I think you should first talk to your cousin. It's true that most teenagers will test the boundaries of civility and the safest place for them to do it is in their home. But in their home the adults are supposed to explain what is and isn't acceptable behavior. Given the husband's contribution, it also sounds as if a malicious family dynamic is at play here: Martyr mom does everything for us, and in exchange she earns our contempt. Next time you know you'll be in town, tell your cousin she needs a night off and you'd like to take her out to a restaurant for a chance to get some adult time. Then tell her gently but firmly what you've observed. She may be too sunk into this mess to act, but sometimes an outsider's perspective can suddenly shine a mirror on a situation. Then next time you do eat at their house, you should feel free to be more direct to the girls. When they insult their mother, in a neutral tone say, "That's a rude thing to say. Your mother is my friend, so just as I hope you would stick up for a friend who was being treated terribly, I'm going to ask you to stop insulting her."

Q. Re: to Mean Girls: I was raised in a household like this, and sadly, this is the norm for these girls. I imagine they are encouraged to speak to their mother harshly, and sadly, it becomes a bonding point with their father. They will be mortified when they become adults and look back at this. I can still remember standing up to my father in my 20s when he tried to get me to "join in" in ridiculing my mother. Hopefully, the LW can have an impact now, so these girls will not have a lot of regret later in life.

A: It's good to hear from someone who has lived this ugly dynamic, and was able to change it. Good for you for seeing that "bonding" time with Dad was part of playing out a pattern destructive to everyone. It may be that the teenagers don't want to hear this message now. But if they are essentially decent people, it will echo.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/02/dear_prudie_my_...