A brief history, I came into my wife's life when SD was 6yo. Her BD has never been on the scene and I've been the only dad she has known. SD has always had issues with telling the truth but it was always downplayed by my wife as "kids stuff". Generally speaking everything was good, we clashed every now and then and it was always down to SD lying. She was treated as my own daughter throughout even by my family.

When she turned 18 she wanted to go to Uni. We gave her the choice, she could move out if she wanted or stay, if she stayed she could do so without paying rent as long as she prioritised Uni work. Everything was fine until her 3rd year when she got in a new relationship. Suddenly she stopped prioritising Uni and started to disengage with her own family. She has 2 1/2 Brothers who are autistic and when they were growing up i never thought anything could break their bond. However she stopped spending time with them as well.

She told us both that the new GF was very clingy and controlling which both my wife and I agreed was an issue. She told both my wife and I lots of things that we both said were red flags. Very long story short SD was lying all the time, she was the clingy one and was consciously choosing to drop Uni and her family and was gaslighting us into believing that the GF was the problem.

After trying to smooth it all out she moved out after Uni and moved in with GF. She was happy for me to help her move in and build her furniture and very quickly after that cut me off. She no longer messaged me and started to isolate  me. She would even come round to our home, say hello to everyone by name and goodbye to everyone by name and exclude me. 

My wife and I bought a new house and as we were moving I found an old "stripper pole" that she had bought, not used and stored in the loft. As I was clearing the loft I found the pole, asked my wife if SD wanted it and she said yes so I dropped it off at her new home. Unbeknownst to me SD had argued with my wife and told her I wasn't welcome at her home. My wife didn't tell me. The next week I found the box for the stripper pole so, naturally, thinking I was saving her a job I dropped it off at her home. This trigger a series of enraged messages telling me that I wasn't welcome at her home. That hurt me as it came so quickly after I was good enough to move her in but not good enough now she is moved in. So I told my wife I wasn't happy with everything that had happened and SD is no longer welcome in my home and she would have to see her daughter away from my home. I'd love to say I was grown up about it but I started an argument first and said some unkind things. They were said through pain and the next morning I apologised but maintained the boundary that SD was not welcome in my home.

Since then I've had no contact with SD at all. Ive not stood in the way of her seeing her family and completely disengaged. SD has made little to no effort with my wife or her half brothers. Since the start of this year she has seen her youngest half brother once for 3 hours and her other brother twice for 6 hours. My wife and I are getting on and trying to move forward and that is going well and Im hoping my wife can see her daughter for what she is. 

Disengaging has been hard work and painful but stepping back and giving SD space has allowed her to show my wife what she is.  There is hope, especially when you are painted as the bad guy, in stepping back and not getting involved. Its hard work and very difficult but SD is showing who she is and I can't be blamed for anything.

Its been such a painful process and is still painful. Being gaslit and feeling used is still painful. But creating a space free of SD for some peace is helping.