Disengagement Help??
This is my first time to post, I actually just found this site the other day when I was Googling how to handle my teenage SD. I have been reading non-stop ever since.
I have decided disengaging is my best option at this point. I have been married to my DH for 3 years and I have a BD10 and SD17. They both live with us full time, BM is in another country and will maybe call every few months and send candy twice a year. She is an idiot. SD sees her every other year when we pay for her to visit BM. When I got married I was excited to have a fun relationship with this kid and do girl things, be the person she is lacking in her own mom. I've busted my rear for 3 years and gotten nothing but the middle finger the whole time. She is sly though, she wont talk back, she does it behind my back (telling friends I drink at 9am, calling me names, bashing me with anyone who will listen, making fun of me on social media, ignores rules I put in place but not her dad, ignores me when I am home etc). DH tries, he really does. But only after 3 years has he REALLY started trying. The first couple years it was all "my fault for trying to enforce rules and boundaries" because "she's had a hard life with her mom being absent since she was 13". I decided this is the last straw. Her bday is coming up and BM is actually spending her own money to come over and see SD. I have been trying for months to plan her bday with all of us (which is also fathers day) and asking her numerous times where she wants to go so I can make reservations. I explained she can have the whole day with her mom and just meet up and we all have dinner together (Gag! but I am doing it for the kid, right?)I always get "I don't care" and "I don't know". The other day when DH isn't around I ask again all excited she says "I want to spend it with my friends and mom" I was devastated! Here I am doing EVERYTHING for you and you cant even see me or DH on your bday for TWO FLIPPING HOURS for dinner...and on fathers day at that! I tell DH that night (Friday) and he says he will talk to her. He never does until Wed night when I get really upset. She pulls the sympathy card but luckily he doesn't fall for it. Between that time, I read about disengaging and decided that's what I need to do. I am so tired of trying to get nothing but meanness in return and feeling like I am always the bad guy.
Here is my dilemma, I do care for this kid. She had a rough life with a crap mom. I don't want her to feel that I abandoned her as well but I NEED to do this for my sanity. I already told DH this is what I am doing and he said it breaks his heart I am just giving up. How do I do this? Any advice on what I can do to make it easier on me?
Oops I am new to this, I
Oops I am new to this, I didnt reply to your post directly. Its posted below lol
I disengaged from SD 17 about
I disengaged from SD 17 about a year and a half ago. I honestly did care about her, but she is a habitual liar, among other things. It was hard at first to keep my nose out of things, but trust me, it gets easier. My DH wouldn't back me up on anything because he doesn't want to upset her. He's nervous as can be if she's mad at him.
I have nothing to do with her now, and any feelings I had for her are gone for good. I figure if DH had wanted it to be different he would have backed me up on things, so this is his doing also.
I don't talk to her because she twists my words around, and lies. I figure if I say nothing, she can't twist that around. I do nothing to help out concerning her. No cooking, no dropping off or picking up from places...this could have all been so helpful for my DH, but he chose to keep his princess smiling, and undisciplined. She's all his, and I'm fine with it.
He has created a monster, but he can't see it. He believes all her lies, and can't see that he's being used. She has no concern for anyone but herself. She has all the narcissistic traits.
I've recently reached a whole new level of not caring. One thing I won't stand for is her and her filth smelling up the house. DH has to make her clean. Other than that, I just don't care.
Life is easier since I stopped hitting my head against a brick wall.
SD is a habitual liar as
SD is a habitual liar as well! I mean, she told her friends I drink vodka at 9am! But I have caught her in many lies, stupid lies that make no sense. Once she was mean to my dog, I saw the WHOLE thing from my bedroom window. DH confronted her and she said it was an accident she swung and kicked at my dog (didn't touch her just scared my previously abused rescue dog) and said I must have misunderstood. Yes I totally misunderstood when she laughed after she did it. How stupid of me!
DH was and still kinda is that way, he doesn't want to upset her cause shes had it hard. REALLY! Hard? No way! He moved countries cause she wanted to and now says daily she hates it. She is very ungrateful for EVERYTHING she has.
SD is slowly becoming a horrible monster too, she will not get far in life and I dont want her at my house forever. At this point, the only thing I care about it her car. Its MY car that she got (I got a new one) and I refuse to let her allow her POS BM to smoke in it when she comes. I will warn her if that happens, I will take the car away since it is my car and I am just being nice letting her have it for the time being. Other than that, he can do it all.
She will be turning 18 on her
She will be turning 18 on her birthday.
I always thought it was my role to keep pushing and keep trying no matter how much she hurts and disrespects me. Never even knew the word disengage would go along with step mom. Pressure from everyone around to be the mother she doesn't have. So I have always pushed through and kept trying to win her over.
I told him after what she said and how she acted, (she knew I was hurt when she said it by my look) I wasn't doing a thing for her birthday that her 'wonderful' BM can plan it and spend it with her. (getting her high like last time they hung out). I also cancelled the plans I was making for her bday present. Trip to the beach, all expenses paid for with her best friend. Now, not happening...at least not with my money and effort.
Yes, his comment made me feel really guilty but after reading on this site I quickly realized I shouldn't feel guilty then I got mad for him making me feel guilty. They should feel guilty for all I've put up with.
Thank you! That is exactly what I need to do, stop trying to fill her mothers void cause she doesnt want it. Thank you!
Thank you thank you! You
Thank you thank you! You really don't know how nice it is to hear that from someone who understands what its like. Three years of hell, I wish I would have found this site back then! lol
Yes, I will pour all my energy on BD and DH and get my life back, guilt free. haha
DH tried to make me feel
DH tried to make me feel guilty at first too. I told him that he made the choice, and I'm good with it.
Let it go, and be happy...you did your best. Step back, and take a rest.
I don't want her to keep the
I don't want her to keep the car, lol I want it for my daughter when she gets a car so SD is borrowing it but her dad tells her its her car. Its only 3 years old and paid off. She is on the insurance so she is covered if in an accident. She cant get a job cause she doesn't have a work visa so I got her a part time job during the summer only paying cash. I wish she would pay the insurance!
She is still in high school (one more year after this one ends) so she wont move out, I have however wished she would move back with her BM. BUT BM has one BD3 and SS13-14 who live with her in a two bedroom house that she just bought. Meaning, she never expected her daughter to ever move back in with her cause there is no more room in the house. Trust me, that would be a dream come true! My life would be perfect if that would happen!