OMG, my fiancee needs to read this, SOMEDAY. He doesn't know that I have any real issues with ss8. I just found this board to find the courage to possibly, in the future, let him know how much of a struggle it is for me to have to parent his son everyday when there is no consequence for his poor behavior toward me.
I’m quickly heading towards being “disengaged”. The sad thing is that I think my wife is already there with regards to her own son, and that’s what’s causing me to feel this way. I am SO tired of always having to be the “bad guy”. If she would just engage with him and work with me, our home would be SO peaceful.
The disengaging article is from "STEPMONSTER" the book... GREAT BOOK LADIES.. IT SAVED MY MARRIAGE!!! If you loved teh disengaging article then you deff. need to to buy the book...
Disengaging really works as long as your DH really loves you and values you being there, he will see that he needs to make some changes or he will lose you!
Mine really changed when I disengaged and read the book in the process, I went through with a highlighter and then handed him the book. I said you dont have to read it all but you have to read to highlighted parts! He did and then appologized for everything... Now the house is run by my rules and he sees that when I lay do a rule then he needs to back me up and not do the opposite once I walk out of the room.
Disengage means don't speak to them, look at them, nothing. Of course, it is alot easier to disengage when they don't live with you. I'm not the kind of person who can quietly sit by and watch my house get taken over & messed up and not say anything. This caused friction between my dh and me. Now, disengaging for me means, get home from work, grab my bottle & my shotglass and lock myself in my room until dh gets home. He says "I don't think it's right that you should have to stay holed up in the bedroom every night until 6:30". Well......then tell your adult male (24 year old) son to grow up, get a job, and get the hell out of here!!! I want my effing house back.
24!!! I dont think so... NO WAY.. I done told Dh that SS7 IS NOT living with us past the age of 18 (we have 50/50 custody, one week here one week with BM).. once he's out of highschool then thats it, time to get a job, go off to school, or live with BM! He agreed with it... SS7 hates being here anyway so I'd say I wont have to worry about it anyhow.
I have been disengaging for almost 2 months with ups and downs and alot of tweeking. I read the the disengaging essay from step together, which gave me a great format to decide what I will and will not do. I did it to save my sanity from the chaos and drama BM's and skids cause.
Basically what I do now is wash laundry and make a pile of clothes for DH to send back to BM. DH does the rest, including cooking, Dr's appts, driving, etc. DH does the disciplin, when the thought occurs
I am working on having a relationship with DH. Everything revolved around the skids and BM, causing a lot of tension and arguement. Now I'm just supportive. He asks my opinion, I give it in limited detail, men are not conversationalist, I don't make it complicated. I limit the amount of time I spend seeing BM at functions and I don't drive to her house. These things bothered me.
I am trying to focus on my relationship with the skids too. But if they are obnoxious, out of control...I disengage. DH is getting it
Disengaging is about setting boundaries for yourself after trying to "co parent" with the bio parent after it has failed. After trying to make everyone else happy, you get the wake up call that says "it's time to make yourself happy"
http://www.steptogether.org/d
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I printed out 2 copies of this, and gave one to my hubby.
OMG, my fiancee needs to read
OMG, my fiancee needs to read this, SOMEDAY. He doesn't know that I have any real issues with ss8. I just found this board to find the courage to possibly, in the future, let him know how much of a struggle it is for me to have to parent his son everyday when there is no consequence for his poor behavior toward me.
I’m quickly heading towards
I’m quickly heading towards being “disengaged”. The sad thing is that I think my wife is already there with regards to her own son, and that’s what’s causing me to feel this way. I am SO tired of always having to be the “bad guy”. If she would just engage with him and work with me, our home would be SO peaceful.
The disengaging article is
The disengaging article is from "STEPMONSTER" the book... GREAT BOOK LADIES.. IT SAVED MY MARRIAGE!!! If you loved teh disengaging article then you deff. need to to buy the book...
Disengaging really works as long as your DH really loves you and values you being there, he will see that he needs to make some changes or he will lose you!
Mine really changed when I disengaged and read the book in the process, I went through with a highlighter and then handed him the book. I said you dont have to read it all but you have to read to highlighted parts! He did and then appologized for everything... Now the house is run by my rules and he sees that when I lay do a rule then he needs to back me up and not do the opposite once I walk out of the room.
Disengage means don't speak
Disengage means don't speak to them, look at them, nothing. Of course, it is alot easier to disengage when they don't live with you. I'm not the kind of person who can quietly sit by and watch my house get taken over & messed up and not say anything. This caused friction between my dh and me. Now, disengaging for me means, get home from work, grab my bottle & my shotglass and lock myself in my room until dh gets home. He says "I don't think it's right that you should have to stay holed up in the bedroom every night until 6:30". Well......then tell your adult male (24 year old) son to grow up, get a job, and get the hell out of here!!! I want my effing house back.
24!!! I dont think so... NO
24!!! I dont think so... NO WAY.. I done told Dh that SS7 IS NOT living with us past the age of 18 (we have 50/50 custody, one week here one week with BM).. once he's out of highschool then thats it, time to get a job, go off to school, or live with BM! He agreed with it... SS7 hates being here anyway so I'd say I wont have to worry about it anyhow.
I have been disengaging for
I have been disengaging for almost 2 months with ups and downs and alot of tweeking. I read the the disengaging essay from step together, which gave me a great format to decide what I will and will not do. I did it to save my sanity from the chaos and drama BM's and skids cause.
Basically what I do now is wash laundry and make a pile of clothes for DH to send back to BM. DH does the rest, including cooking, Dr's appts, driving, etc. DH does the disciplin, when the thought occurs
I am working on having a relationship with DH. Everything revolved around the skids and BM, causing a lot of tension and arguement. Now I'm just supportive. He asks my opinion, I give it in limited detail, men are not conversationalist, I don't make it complicated. I limit the amount of time I spend seeing BM at functions and I don't drive to her house. These things bothered me.
I am trying to focus on my relationship with the skids too. But if they are obnoxious, out of control...I disengage. DH is getting it
Disengaging is about setting boundaries for yourself after trying to "co parent" with the bio parent after it has failed. After trying to make everyone else happy, you get the wake up call that says "it's time to make yourself happy"