I for many years "respected" an adult in my life who had ZERO respect for me. By respecting I mean, I kept my mouth shut, I didn't tell this person off when I REALLY wanted to and if I DID have an outburst (for good reason, being fed up with being treated like dirt) I was always the first to apologize and take blame for my behaviour EVEN if I felt as though I was the one in need of the apology. Even developed something of a relationship with this person, when in the back of my mind I had no real respect for the person they had been to me and my family for many years. To me that was about as much "respect" I could give to an adult who never respected me in return. It is hard to respect someone that has nothing but negative and mean things to say about my family, the people that I love, and a lot of times, even me. So, I do think that there is a certain amount of "you have to give respect to get it in return" in any relationship, even if it is a child and adult relationship we are talking about. I can remember teachers in high school that were just mean and nasty to everyone, it was hard to respect them. I don't know, maybe none of this even made sense... it does in my mind.

***Claiming Sanctuary***

I guess when I think of respect especially in some of these posts that deal with awful H's and skids I think not giving into their "chaos" for example, when Fss comes over and just starts a ranting cussing tirade about something stupid, I smile and get up and leave.
If Ex starts in on me I smile and walk away or say thanks and hang up.

Treat them like the half stupid third cousin once removed. Or just treat them like an circus freak..
respect is a two way street, if they wanted be treated more than a cirucs freak ( not offense to circus freaks by the way) then they need to give it.

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

I am the step daughter & my stepdad always treated me with no respect. He'd talk down to me like a dog, give orders, refuse to hear my side of things, & then insult my every attempt. With my personality I was always a people pleaser... just ask me nicely & show some gratitude & I'd give you the world. But demand it, then tell me I'm a failure... you're damn right I didn't show him any respect.

Things are getting different these days, because I won't put up with it. He still tries to give orders but at least he shows some gratitude, so I meet him half way. Forget it if you don't respect her (you don't have to admire her) but maybe treat her with good manners & if she still cops an attitude point out that you're trying. If she still doesn't change then all the fault is hers... you did your best.

Hipi

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

the same way she treats me. And guess what, she doesn't like it! Big surprise. Husband thinks I should let her treat me like crap because I am the adult. I did for a while, but no more.

I am always polite and civil, but I do no more than that. When she speaks politely to me, I speak politely in return. When she ignores my presence (as she usually does), I ignore hers in return.

One thing I have NEVER done is speak disrespectfully of her as a person (no saying bad things because I am mad) or of her mother. Even though I KNOW BM speaks badly about me all the time. I see nothing to be gained by tearing down her self-esteem.

What's funny is that she asked my husband once why I never yell at her. (He yells and says things he doesn't mean all the time.) I see no point in yelling, it's not necessary to get your point across. Maybe if I yelled at her she would respect me more?!

I have had more than one discussion with my SD and my DH on respect and what it means, and how it is demonstrated. Luckily I haven't gotten into the discussion of you better respect me, or I won't respect you, since it seems like a no win situation. The other one I like is to get respect, you have to earn it. Well, I agree with that, but with a kid, they haven't had much time to "earn" it.

So -here is where I've gone with it; in my house, we all have to live together. I don’t want to live in a house of rudeness and unhappiness. In order for all of us to be able to live together, we have ground rules. I had this discussion with my SD (again) about a week ago. We say hello, we say please and thank you, we don't interrupt, and the public areas of the house need to be kept free of personal items (such as shoes and coats etc).

We’ve had a few serious breakdowns on this. At one point, I told my SD that if she needed to be disrespected, then she could leave and find her own place to live. I think that might have been a turning point. She was trying to force me to accept her deadbeat, hugely disrespectful BF. (Father of her baby) Answer – NO. I don’t accept the way he has and is treating you. As much of a PITA as that was, it actually was a blessing in disguise, I guess. It let me tell her I wouldn’t accept people treating HER that way. It made her think.

Ah well, I can’t always maintain it. And, I am usually the one who has to restart it or make the corrections when we get too “loose” as it were. But – I try to keep the circular argument out of it, and focus the discussion on the behavior that is unacceptable.

I do think we need to treat our skids with respect. Each of them has a different situation, but all of them are difficult, and just recognizing that its hard and they have confused feelings is one step.

Doesn't mean I have to like the way she behaves, but trying to understand the emotions behind her behavior at least gives me some perspective and lets me be less angry.

and I will treat you with respect. If I need money, I work more or take a loan from a bank. I ask no one for money & NEVER HAVE. PERIOD

It is earned and not automatically given. Whether you like her or not, you can still respect who she is or what she does with her life, now or in the future. But if she doesn't deserve or earn your respect then she gets none. You need to separate the 2. I have people I do not get along with, but respect, and people I like or love but do not respect because of their choices and behaviours in life or toward others.

When it comes to an adult/child relationship, I agree with Steve, children should respect their elders and are given no choice. This form of respect is a little different to the respect we give to soldiers for instance, or people who have recovered from drug addiction or any such adult forms of respect.

Children can show respect by doing what they are told, having manners and behaving accordingly for their place and age at the time.
But I personally, as a step parent had no respect for my SS nor did I like him. I didn't respect him because he was rude, cold and manipulative and treated me like shit. I didn't like him for the same reasons...although I did respect that he was my husbands child. That doesn't mean I respected him, just his place in my DH 's life and respect for the relationship they had to have, regardless of how he treated me.

I think there are many facets to respect and you can't be made to give it, but sometimes in step families you can have respect for the situation without actually having it for the person...good luck working this one out..Heheh. But this is why you are confused, as situations and opinions vary and really, it's a personal choice. But you will find you probably feel as I did, no respect for the girl but you have no choice but to respect her place in her fathers life, and it sucks and it's hard and probably why this all hurts so much, because we are being the adult and the bigger person. Lucky fo our DH's we respect them, or we wouldn't tolerate any of it for one second!! They need to see that and be grateful for what we go through in our hearts.

Catch xx
*The Real Catch 22*

It is hard for us SM to have to deal with issues that come with children were supposed to "accept" when in any other situation we would just avoid the "brats"
With my two BSs they were taught respect at a very young age, they were not allowed to throw tantrums they were taught to talk to me in a "big boy" voice and taught that if they talked to me and not whine or scream they would either get what they had asked for or at least get a chance to argue their point. I am proud of them as men for I have gotten several compliments on them, ssssso what I am saying that if it is not taught at home whether it is with BM or BF then the chances of a SChild respecting the SM is slim.
to answer your question, I have tried to put myself in your position, and the only thing I can think of is to have a chat with H and skid.
if she continues to disrespect then you will have to avoid her and her attitude even if that means ignoring her or just walking away, I think if you disrespect her she will just use that as ammunition against you.
I feel for ya.
good luck sweetie!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

There are different levels of respect.
I have found some things improved with my FSS, but I'm still not satisfied.

When I 1st met my FSS, he was very shy. He seemed afraid to say anything to me. Later he admitted that his BM told him to ignore me.
I decided to gradually make rules for him, that is give him one thing to work on each week.

The 1st week, it was greetings. I just wanted 'Hello' and 'Goodbye' or whatever was appropriate.
The 2nd week was 'please' and 'thank you'.

This actually has been much harder than I thought it would be.

Then I wanted him to stop constantly interrupting me, and everybody else. This still has not happened. Occasionally I, or my FH, will remind him that he is doing it. I actually think he is not entirely aware that he is doing anything wrong.

There's many other things that need work but he's not around all the time so he has a different example that frankly, I find very questionable. I mean how can telling your son to ignore your EXE's girlfriend help any situation?

I agree with Steve. Children should respect their elders and not be given a choice. I am respecting the children by teaching them manners and preparing them for the real world. If I had no respect for them I would let them do whatever they want and not give a crap about the future consequences. While I don't have much respect for my oldest SD right now, I still respect her as my Hubby's daughter and will do my best for her out of love and respect for him. That doesn't mean I'll let her walk all over me, it means that I will continue to try to teach her the difference between right and wrong and learn the consequences of each.

I think Steve is right in many ways (and so is Hipi) as young children we should respect our elders and adults. There is a reason we tell kids don't touch a hot stove -- not because we don't respect their curiousity. We are trying to protect them. There is a reason we shouldn't let them throw screaming temper tantrums (after the age of 2) because work and school will not allow it. We also shouldn't raise automatons who blindly follow what they are told. Nurenburg and Me Lai taught us the dangers of that. Teachers tell our children to do their homework (as do parents) thats not because we are punishing them, its because we want them to grow up and have a happy healthy life and a good career.

I don't think a child should scream at an adult that they hate them whether its a parent or a step parent. I don't think they should break things. Slamming doors shouldn't be allowed. These kids grow up to be adults -- do we want them to be child abusers or to beat their gf's or bf's?

Sadly, we as steps have only a couple of choices once we get there -- 1) stay and try and hope and pray it gets better (with or without SO's help); 2) Work with SO and BM/BD to make it better if they want things to be better; 3) Disengage or 4) leave. Sometimes when you think about it why would we want to stay in a "crazy house"?

Kevin

How is this ok, we are raising a nation full of spoiled disrespectful brats.
if the bioparents let the child disrespect then there is no hope.
respect for all is important whether you like a person or not, I have had plenty of bosses that were asses but I never disrespected them!
how will the children survive the real world.

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

My sd is like your bf's sd Mustang. When Dh and I first met, sd would pit her friends agianst my bd and tell bd that her friends didn't like her and the friends would be rude to my bd. The funny thing was that bd never had any problems making friends then and still doesn't today and thankfully it hasn't phased her.
Sd is selfish, manipulative and bossy and fights with her friends. She wants everyone to do what she wants.
Bd makes friends pretty easily and includes sd when she has friends over. Sd is pretty selfish when it somes to that.
I wonder how sd is going to get along with people when she is out in the real world and can't cry to get her way or just yell at people and tell the that she hates them.

My exf's EXSD was never made to respect him. Her father was never involved(died in jail) and my exf paid for drug rehab(when she was 13),private school even after divorce paid for college but as he put it to me once" she would always rather spit on me unless I was on fire and then she wouldn't"
He wanted her affaection so much he once admitted to trying to buy it, giving her more money then even his BK for Christmas becaus ethat was all she responded to( GUESS WHO SHE LEARNED THAT FROM?)

This child grew up to curse at me and call me names the 2nd time I EVER met her,HHHMMMM< perhaps because she was never made to respect and yet my ex just sat there while his exsd ranted at me in a restaurant(and then later he would curse at me when I didn't feel like eating there again)

How did he punish her?It was next month that he gave her more money AND spent his birthday with her not me> Yes, I can see why she learned to keep doing that,
Before we broke up my mouth FINALLY went very potty and i said the FU to him that she always used. I told ex you treat her so much better and she treats so I have decided to start treating you like she does, FU,FU, FU!
I never got any money or any of the other treats she got for talking to him like this, dang!

IF anyone had ever made her be polite back when she was little ,perhaps we might have had a chance because strangely it was when she entered that things started not being so great.Again HHMMMM
Reading this , I have to ask myself what was wrong with me??