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Did I take this wrong ? Should I have even be hurt or mad about this ?

snapped73's picture

So for the fist time my fam from up North met my Fiancée, Him and I have been
together a little over two years.
He is a good guy, works hard, likeable, people just fall in love with him.
He is quite and reserved.
My issue is this, I really do love him and he works hard for us and this home but
lately for some time I have been feeling just pushed aside, everything that
made me fall in love with him is like non existent.
I don't care about tangible things, what I needed was a relationship that
compliments and makes you feel like your growing at your best in both ways..
like as a individual and as a couple.
I was in a really bad relationship for like 12 years before I met him, and he was
EVERYTHING I never had, he was thoughtful, concerned about my feelings, he was in
tune with me, I never felt so safe and secure in my life emotionally, He was patient,
he was soft spoken, he was gentle and available for me in every way, he made me feel
like only I existed, it was 100% plus " Amazing".
Now, I hardly get compliments, I could change something little and he don't notice,
I relate my feelings and its like he doesn't want to hear it or I'm thinking it wrong,
I bust my butt here in this house never says a word like good job babe or hey looks great!
The sweet things he says all goes to the dog ( sounds crazy but true, embarrassing to say or even have to admitte).
Sweetheart, baby, baby girl you name it...the dog is it lmao..true!
He never had kids so I can understand even though it seems crazy to put all your
emotion into a dog when you have a live person here who is really emotionally un-noticed and
emotionally deprived in everyway that a person could feel, but yet that's not my latest
clincher...
My fam comes here, and he meets my sister in-law for the first time, we was celebrating his birthday,
I put it all together, set everything up, managed to get him what he wanted to make him happy Smile
well later after almost everyone left some fam members stayed, myself and fiancée and sister in-law
are all going out the side door talking about a store run, she says to him ..Don't worry about buying
its your birthday, me and hubby will by, he says to her...where have you been all my life !!
WTF is that ??? It made me so mad and so upset and it really hurt my feelings, it hurt me !
I do so much around here..I do it for us, I put up with more then I should that is not of my
choosing, choices that have stunted us in this relationship because we have yet to be able to have
our own life..our own home because of helping out his family ( whole new topic), but the point is how
could he even think in his mind that I shouldn't have been upset with that? I felt so disrespected and like
I don't even matter, am I being over sensitive? If it was your partner how would you feel or take it?
Would you be upset and hurt ? I am still pissed and still mad and still hurt, I just want others opinion
on this, Sorry so long and thank you !

snapped73's picture

Thanks everyone for the reply's, I have mentioned to him lightly and softly about how I feel. Its not that I think everyday should be beautiful, I am 42 years old and been there done that, its elements and action like mentioned above, when you start feeling like a roommate instead of a partner it is a concern I feel.
As for him I try and let him know I appreciate everything he does for me and I acknowledge his efforts.
Validation is important for anyone, who wants to be where they feel like they don't matter or exist,I have many friends but I want my best friend..there is a difference.
As for the comment to the sister in-law I don't feel it was respectable knowing how I have been feeling, I understand the sweetness of it all..but sweetness starts in the home before anyone or anything else. J/s

Done62's picture

Me I would have been totally pissed off...."Where have you been all my life"??? Go spend your life with her loser....GRRRR!!!!! Had to say it twice I guess....LOL

Done62's picture

Me I would have been totally pissed off...."Where have you been all my life"??? Go spend your life with her loser....GRRRRR!!!!!

snapped73's picture

Thanks everyone for the reply's, I have mentioned to him lightly and softly about how I feel. Its not that I think everyday should be beautiful, I am 42 years old and been there done that, its elements and action like mentioned above, when you start feeling like a roommate instead of a partner it is a concern I feel.
As for him I try and let him know I appreciate everything he does for me and I acknowledge his efforts.
Validation is important for anyone, who wants to be where they feel like they don't matter or exist,I have many friends but I want my best friend..there is a difference.
As for the comment to the sister in-law I don't feel it was respectable knowing how I have been feeling, I understand the sweetness of it all..but sweetness starts in the home before anyone or anything else. J/s

snapped73's picture

Maybe I need to be a little bit more explicit on why I feel like this, the dynamics of it all !
We have no privacy, His mother, 37 year old sister and her son live with us.
His mother sold her house 2 yrs ago because it was to big, a little over 2 yrs and everyone is
still here and she has supposedly been trying to find a place since then, his sister who is 37 is a drug addict and refuses to get a job let alone raise her kid.
NO ONE helps us with groceries, I'm the only one who cleans up after everyone, his sister has stoled
from me and her brother endless times, she has called me everything but white, we have done nothing but help
out everyone, meanwhile his mother is looking for a house ( has been for 2 yrs),
Financially we cant afford them, I do horse rescues, plus I have a hobby farm going on and I am constantly busy if not outside then inside and both, I am COMPLETELY overwhelmed as I am sure he is to.
Then there is " US".... I have been under so much stress and pressure that I had chest pains to the
point I couldn't even speak a word.
I am needing something from him in this relationship that makes a couple a couple, I can withstand almost
any storm but I feel unappreciated and I feel like we both are being taken advantage of.
I feel like our relationship has not had a chance to even really take off, many people involved in this
because they are " Here". His mom is controlling and its been hard on me at times, I just want our own
life, our OWN issues and our OWN problems. His mom could of had a place a long time ago but it has to be
one to accommodate her & grown daughter and grandson, its been a VERY procrastinating situation.
A lot of elements are played into this, and the stress has been very high for sometime.
I just feel like I am " Here"..that's it ! To clean up messes and put up with choices that are not of
my own choosing, Like right now, grandson just got home from school, his mother just now woke up, she will
soon get dressed and haul butt, boyfriends mother just hit me up because there is something she wants to buy
from the store to go towards dinner that she wants to make and doesn't want to take it out of her own pocket,
we spent $350 in groceries last month, actually more like $400, so yes I do feel down and out and not
appreciated, I feel like I am using myself all up :/

Maxwell09's picture

Yeah I would not be sticking around for all that mess. If he doesn't value you or make you a priority now then it's only going to get worse. Before you were in the honeymoon stage, it wore off and now you're just his live in. You should step back, move out, become independent and just date him. If he loves you he will make changes like getting rid of his live-in family and create a life with you.

Stormyweather's picture

Google the word "codependency"

And start therapy asap to find out why you are allowing yourself to be used by all these people. I'm sorry to say this but you are the one allowing it. You've asked for your man to consider your feelings and to work as a team... He's not trying... But still you stay.

You have a beautiful heart that loves to rescue people (animals included)... So deep down you must feel you aren't worthy of being rescued yourself because if you did, you wouldn't allow these people to treat you like this. Hopefully therapy will help you unpack why you feel so bad about yourself that you allow others to treat you so bad in return.