Help! Not sure where else to turn!
Okay, so before I go off on what is going on, a little background:
My fiancee and I (not married, yet) met shortly after her separation from her wife. We began dating while she was being kept from visitation during the beginnings of divorce. We got engaged before she found out that she was to be getting equal custody with her ex. Once she got custody back for her daughter, I began watching her daughter as my job was flexible and it was easier for me to facilitate schedule changes, etc. I was introduced as a friend of her mom's, as we didn't want to rush anything with her daughter unnecessarily. We have since told the daughter that we are to be getting married and life is mostly great.
Now into the issue...SD is constantly disrespectful to me in terms of constantly yelling at me and telling me how things are going to be. This started after she found out that her mother and I were to be married. My fiancee's ex is outwardly disapproving of me and has been since the beginning (even before she found out we were dating). She has consistently told SD that I am not a competent care-giver and that my fiancee is a horrible person for allowing me to spend time with SD. When we told her that we were going to be married, we expected push back. SD is a six year old, after all. We respect her emotions and allow her to have her feelings, as every human being has a right to. However, the level of disrespect toward myself and even sometimes my fiancee is out of control at this point. I have tried to step in and suggest privately to my fiancee that we establish some sort of punitive action (i.e.- time outs) for her outbursts of disrespect, however my partner insists on just talking to her about it. This behavior from my SD has not changed and is beginning to destroy the relationship I have with my partner because I cannot tolerate the disrespect and the subsequent passive approach my partner has towards it. It is getting worse and I am at the point where I have said that until this gets resolved, we are not getting married or having kids of our own because I will not stand for being treated like this.
Coming from a military background, I don't do well being disrespected and it certainly was not allowable for me to disrespect anyone when I was a child.
How can I handle this?!?!
Good for you! So many people
Good for you! So many people come on here saying they have the most amazing partner who just happens to have horrid children, and they don't put the blame where it belongs - on the parent who isn't actually parenting their child.
And good for you for letting her know there will be no marriage until she gets a handle on parenting. Next step would be to stop being the primary caregiver just because you have more flexibility, because it's not your job AT ALL. Even if you get married, it's not your job to be the primary caregiver, or even the secondary one - it's entirely her job to parent her child, and you get to help as much or as little as you want.
So see what she's willing to change before you get tied down to this situation.
Amen.
Amen.
It’s really up to your BF
Getting control of his DD and making her respect you. SD does not have to like you but must respect you and your home. Untill the time BF does something, there little you can do. This is on BF
It will be ugly for a while.
It will be ugly for a while.
It will be complicated and confusing for the kids because BM will undermine your BF at ever turn.
however, if he can stand strong and demand respect for adults in the home, you guys have a shot at not being miserable because of his ex and kids. Just make sure you stand your ground and don't get sucked in until real strides have been made.
What is there to respect
What is there to respect about a toxic little shit of a kid? Granting respect that is not earned is a formula for disaster IMHO.
Giving your SO clarity that there will be no wedding until she pulls her head out of her own ass regarding parenting is the right way to go IMHO.
I would follow that by clearly defining the behavioral and performance standards that will be required for any children in your home and start enforcing those standards whether SO likes them or not.
Equity life partners are also equity parents to any children in their marital home regardless of kid biology. If SO can't grasp and get on board with this concept, she is not capable of being your equity life partner. If that is the case, move on and find a partner that is worthy of being your equity life partner.
Good luck.
This is not an easy situation to navigate.
Take care of you.