If it's DH's time, he should be able to do what he chooses with the kids, without BM interference. If it's her time, she should be able to do what she chooses with out DH interference. This is what I am led to believe, and to a certain extent, I do.
However, BM is now consistently making appts and scheduling activities on DH's time. Some of it I can understand. What I struggle with understanding is that DH doesn't address it with BM. He says "she's going to do what she's going to do, and she will always have a justification as to why it's ok." "She's been like this her whole life, what's going to change now?" etc, etc.
I have an issue with this for several reasons. First, she is being selfish. He will be flexible for the kid's sake, and she pushes the flexibility. For example, pick up time is noon. It seems like every week she is asking for an extra hour or two, and she will drop them off afterwards. He says ok, I guess that's alright, and then three to four hours later, they are dropped off (no communication/explanation from BM until 10 mins before drop off). DH says, ok, no more. I'll do pick ups from here on out. Now, for the past month, DH has done all the pick ups and drop offs. That's an hour round trip. All because there's nothing in the CO, and he'd rather not rock the boat.
Since it's summer time, she feels that she deserves extra time with them, even though she has them during all the down time during the school year (and doesn't supervise them to the extent that they should be supervised--throwing rocks at cars, leaving them overnight with people they don't really know, etc.). It frustrates me to no end, as I we do all the work during the school year and use the summer to the fullest for fun and activities. Now, that's being taken away. I work hard, and want to have fun to the same extent that I work.
That said, I don't think DH should have to be flexible (as BM has shown zero flexibility), but I don't know how to approach him without starting an argument-any suggestions?
I fully understand BM did this (and still does, on occasion) and my DH would just let her. He would "talk the talk" about not putting up with it anymore but then it'd happen again. And again. Finally I started making plans and if SD wasn't dropped off when she should have been then she misses out because we're going. No more putting everything on hold and upsetting everyone else's schedule for one person. So it made SD miss out, and DH looked like the bad guy but SD is old enough to say to her mom "hey, we have plans when I get there so I need to be on time mom" and put the onus on HER mom and not us for not bending over backward to accommodate the always-changing schedule her mom pulled. It happened this summer too. Her mom scheduled a camp that over lapped our yearly summer trip and so SD will miss out. It's a tough spot to be in because it hurts the kid. But at the same time you can bend over backward only so much and this really opened out SD's eyes to what her mom does. Not to say she doesnt' still ebelieve her mom is always right, but at least now she understands why she misses out on stuff, not because we're total meanies. lol I hope your DH puts a foot down and says enough is enough. I would be SO SO frustrated as you are
Oh God, I understand completely! It is driving me crazy. Our schedule is supposed to bend according to my husband's ex. Her issue is that she wants to be 20 again and keep the roads hot, so she thinks we should bend over backwards to be her babysitter. I work long days, and my husband is disabled. So, her idea is he should be at her beck and call. She calls anytime she feels like it and texts constantly about needless issues (anytime she can't handle the kids) She actually texted him on our honeymoon to ask when we would be back because she needed us to take his youngest daughter to travel ball practice. I am actually his first wife, we remarried after 22 years apart. But we had kids in our subsequent marriages, so this has been a trial for me. His two girls and I get along great, and I love them dearly. His 11 yo son has been more an issue for me, but I am trying. However, the ex is really making it harder than it needs to be. She divorced him, but thinks she can still call all the shots. He doesn't want to rock the boat so she won't trash him to the kids.
SO's BM used to make plans with the kids during his time. He would roll over because he didn't want to piss BM off. It got to the point that he was only seeing his kids for a few hours a week in lieu of seeing them 4 days a week as stated in the CO. One Christmas BM told him that she was taking the kids to her family's Christmas dinner which was during his time and he wouldn't see his kids at all on Christmas. He was very upset, but still wouldn't say anything to BM. I told him that she had no right to make plans on his time - she didn't even ask she would tell him what she was doing - acting as if he didn't have a choice. Finally, I had a enough of seeing him upset and I told him that he either had to stand up to BM and stop giving her so much power or live with her having all the power and he could continue to not see his kids. He did finally stand up to her - but only once. I don't know why these men are so scared of the ex's. Drives me nuts!
He says he doesn't care about BM, but it seems he would rather fight with me than her. He says things have been good the last 9 months--and it's been that much time that he hasn't said no. That's why things are good.
What you suggest about appointments to me seems reasonable. For about three years, DH did all scheduling, took the kids to all appointments, and paid all copays (despite a CO that said she was responsible for half). It wasn't until I was involved with helping DH that she started to complain, and make appts on his time. I realize that when kids need lots (and I mean lots) of doctor's appointments, you go with what you can get. However, for the past 10-15 appointments, they are either made when DH can't go, or when the kids are supposed to be exchanged, which means that DH doesn't get them on time.
DH has set specific drop off times. She just doesn't follow. He will try and contact her, and she won't respond. It's frustrating, especially when we have plans, and cannot continue with those plans due to BM's lack of communication. We have had vacations cancelled, literally the day we were to leave b/c BM would not return the kids nor respond to communication.
I will try talking to him later, when I'm not so annoyed. We do have a lot going on, personally, and dealing with the ex. I don't want to add fuel to the fire, but I cannot continue on this same road.
She is self-centered for sure. She'd rather that her kids miss out on experiences than accept that I am apart of their lives. I don't try to control things, but I don't think I should be told what I am and am not allowed to do. For example, there's a movie that came out, kids wanted to see it (they are preteens), DH said ok, so I took them (he was working). MONTHS later, BM is telling him that I make poor decisions in letting the kids see X movie--a movie that she owns, and the kids were so excited about watching again. I really feel like it's just control.
We have documented. We have folder after folder with emails, text messages, court paperwork. He does have a CO and an amended CO, but she doesn't seem to think they apply when she doesn't want to follow it. We went to court 5 times before she was held in contempt for one thing. It's frustrating that we have that much money wasted all because she won't follow what was agreed upon. It only applies to DH, not her.
It is not ordered that way. It says 50/50 and DH's address is primary. It's just been since DH and I were officially engaged (just over 3 years--married for two and a half years) that she started with this control issue. She accused DH of trying to micromanage her, because he asked for communication. Evidently, she shouldn't be forced to communicate with him about anything.
Dad has paid CS, all copays, and insurance. The CS was only because incorrect numbers were given (intentionally--I think, based on behavior I've observed over the past four years).
I have to say that I think this is something that really hits most blended families.
It seems to be the these exes feel they have the divine right to dictate when and how dad's get to see their children. And it is one of my biggest bugbears.
I absolutely hate how these "mothers" seem to feel that they can continue to do what they please when they please with absolutely no repercussion whatsoever...
Ours does the same thing; arranges playdates; extra murals etc on dad's time; and also sees us as her personal free of charge baby sitting service!! And always DH says yes because ofc he likes more time with his kids; and I understand that. Having the kids is not the issue for me; its the fact that she automatically assumes that we will continually pickup the slack when she wants to party... BUT never ever returns the favour and continually interferes with DH's time with the kids.
DH has reached the end of his rope and informed her that there will not be another time. the very next time she informs him that she has made arrangements it will just be a case of "tough luck" That's what gets me the most it is already arranged and decided and the children informed before he is even told not asked mind you instructed!! She did this a few weeks ago and he told her this is the last time you do this; the kids will just learn to be dissapointed; and will be told (in front of you) that mommy should have known better to arrange things on daddies time. I can promise you this kids will have forgotten it by the time they walk through our front door; they always have a great time with us regardless.
Our BM would schedule all sorts of activities on DH's time and then use that as justification to deny parenting time.
The judge quickly set her straight. She said that if DH did or didn't decide to take the skids to whatever activity on his time, that was HIS decision and she had no right to deny parenting time just so SHE could take them. The words were, "Why are you inviting trouble where there needs to be none? Whether or not he takes the children on their activities is between him and the children."
If it's DH's time, he should
If it's DH's time, he should be able to do what he chooses with the kids, without BM interference. If it's her time, she should be able to do what she chooses with out DH interference. This is what I am led to believe, and to a certain extent, I do.
However, BM is now consistently making appts and scheduling activities on DH's time. Some of it I can understand. What I struggle with understanding is that DH doesn't address it with BM. He says "she's going to do what she's going to do, and she will always have a justification as to why it's ok." "She's been like this her whole life, what's going to change now?" etc, etc.
I have an issue with this for several reasons. First, she is being selfish. He will be flexible for the kid's sake, and she pushes the flexibility. For example, pick up time is noon. It seems like every week she is asking for an extra hour or two, and she will drop them off afterwards. He says ok, I guess that's alright, and then three to four hours later, they are dropped off (no communication/explanation from BM until 10 mins before drop off). DH says, ok, no more. I'll do pick ups from here on out. Now, for the past month, DH has done all the pick ups and drop offs. That's an hour round trip. All because there's nothing in the CO, and he'd rather not rock the boat.
Since it's summer time, she feels that she deserves extra time with them, even though she has them during all the down time during the school year (and doesn't supervise them to the extent that they should be supervised--throwing rocks at cars, leaving them overnight with people they don't really know, etc.). It frustrates me to no end, as I we do all the work during the school year and use the summer to the fullest for fun and activities. Now, that's being taken away. I work hard, and want to have fun to the same extent that I work.
That said, I don't think DH should have to be flexible (as BM has shown zero flexibility), but I don't know how to approach him without starting an argument-any suggestions?
I fully understand BM did
I fully understand
BM did this (and still does, on occasion) and my DH would just let her. He would "talk the talk" about not putting up with it anymore but then it'd happen again. And again. Finally I started making plans and if SD wasn't dropped off when she should have been then she misses out because we're going. No more putting everything on hold and upsetting everyone else's schedule for one person. So it made SD miss out, and DH looked like the bad guy but SD is old enough to say to her mom "hey, we have plans when I get there so I need to be on time mom" and put the onus on HER mom and not us for not bending over backward to accommodate the always-changing schedule her mom pulled. It happened this summer too. Her mom scheduled a camp that over lapped our yearly summer trip and so SD will miss out. It's a tough spot to be in because it hurts the kid. But at the same time you can bend over backward only so much and this really opened out SD's eyes to what her mom does. Not to say she doesnt' still ebelieve her mom is always right, but at least now she understands why she misses out on stuff, not because we're total meanies. lol I hope your DH puts a foot down and says enough is enough. I would be SO SO frustrated as you are 
Oh God, I understand
Oh God, I understand completely! It is driving me crazy. Our schedule is supposed to bend according to my husband's ex. Her issue is that she wants to be 20 again and keep the roads hot, so she thinks we should bend over backwards to be her babysitter. I work long days, and my husband is disabled. So, her idea is he should be at her beck and call. She calls anytime she feels like it and texts constantly about needless issues (anytime she can't handle the kids) She actually texted him on our honeymoon to ask when we would be back because she needed us to take his youngest daughter to travel ball practice. I am actually his first wife, we remarried after 22 years apart. But we had kids in our subsequent marriages, so this has been a trial for me. His two girls and I get along great, and I love them dearly. His 11 yo son has been more an issue for me, but I am trying. However, the ex is really making it harder than it needs to be. She divorced him, but thinks she can still call all the shots. He doesn't want to rock the boat so she won't trash him to the kids.
SO's BM used to make plans
SO's BM used to make plans with the kids during his time. He would roll over because he didn't want to piss BM off. It got to the point that he was only seeing his kids for a few hours a week in lieu of seeing them 4 days a week as stated in the CO. One Christmas BM told him that she was taking the kids to her family's Christmas dinner which was during his time and he wouldn't see his kids at all on Christmas. He was very upset, but still wouldn't say anything to BM. I told him that she had no right to make plans on his time - she didn't even ask she would tell him what she was doing - acting as if he didn't have a choice. Finally, I had a enough of seeing him upset and I told him that he either had to stand up to BM and stop giving her so much power or live with her having all the power and he could continue to not see his kids. He did finally stand up to her - but only once. I don't know why these men are so scared of the ex's. Drives me nuts!
He says he doesn't care about
He says he doesn't care about BM, but it seems he would rather fight with me than her. He says things have been good the last 9 months--and it's been that much time that he hasn't said no. That's why things are good.
What you suggest about
What you suggest about appointments to me seems reasonable. For about three years, DH did all scheduling, took the kids to all appointments, and paid all copays (despite a CO that said she was responsible for half). It wasn't until I was involved with helping DH that she started to complain, and make appts on his time. I realize that when kids need lots (and I mean lots) of doctor's appointments, you go with what you can get. However, for the past 10-15 appointments, they are either made when DH can't go, or when the kids are supposed to be exchanged, which means that DH doesn't get them on time.
DH has set specific drop off times. She just doesn't follow. He will try and contact her, and she won't respond. It's frustrating, especially when we have plans, and cannot continue with those plans due to BM's lack of communication. We have had vacations cancelled, literally the day we were to leave b/c BM would not return the kids nor respond to communication.
I will try talking to him later, when I'm not so annoyed. We do have a lot going on, personally, and dealing with the ex. I don't want to add fuel to the fire, but I cannot continue on this same road.
She is self-centered for
She is self-centered for sure. She'd rather that her kids miss out on experiences than accept that I am apart of their lives. I don't try to control things, but I don't think I should be told what I am and am not allowed to do. For example, there's a movie that came out, kids wanted to see it (they are preteens), DH said ok, so I took them (he was working). MONTHS later, BM is telling him that I make poor decisions in letting the kids see X movie--a movie that she owns, and the kids were so excited about watching again. I really feel like it's just control.
We have documented. We have folder after folder with emails, text messages, court paperwork. He does have a CO and an amended CO, but she doesn't seem to think they apply when she doesn't want to follow it. We went to court 5 times before she was held in contempt for one thing. It's frustrating that we have that much money wasted all because she won't follow what was agreed upon. It only applies to DH, not her.
It is not ordered that way.
It is not ordered that way. It says 50/50 and DH's address is primary. It's just been since DH and I were officially engaged (just over 3 years--married for two and a half years) that she started with this control issue. She accused DH of trying to micromanage her, because he asked for communication. Evidently, she shouldn't be forced to communicate with him about anything.
Dad has paid CS, all copays, and insurance. The CS was only because incorrect numbers were given (intentionally--I think, based on behavior I've observed over the past four years).
I have to say that I think
I have to say that I think this is something that really hits most blended families.
It seems to be the these exes feel they have the divine right to dictate when and how dad's get to see their children. And it is one of my biggest bugbears.
I absolutely hate how these "mothers" seem to feel that they can continue to do what they please when they please with absolutely no repercussion whatsoever...
Ours does the same thing; arranges playdates; extra murals etc on dad's time; and also sees us as her personal free of charge baby sitting service!! And always DH says yes because ofc he likes more time with his kids; and I understand that. Having the kids is not the issue for me; its the fact that she automatically assumes that we will continually pickup the slack when she wants to party... BUT never ever returns the favour and continually interferes with DH's time with the kids.
DH has reached the end of his rope and informed her that there will not be another time. the very next time she informs him that she has made arrangements it will just be a case of "tough luck" That's what gets me the most it is already arranged and decided and the children informed before he is even told not asked mind you instructed!! She did this a few weeks ago and he told her this is the last time you do this; the kids will just learn to be dissapointed; and will be told (in front of you) that mommy should have known better to arrange things on daddies time. I can promise you this kids will have forgotten it by the time they walk through our front door; they always have a great time with us regardless.
Our BM would schedule all
Our BM would schedule all sorts of activities on DH's time and then use that as justification to deny parenting time.
The judge quickly set her straight. She said that if DH did or didn't decide to take the skids to whatever activity on his time, that was HIS decision and she had no right to deny parenting time just so SHE could take them. The words were, "Why are you inviting trouble where there needs to be none? Whether or not he takes the children on their activities is between him and the children."