Dh doesn't want more kids but I do
I've been with Dh for 3 years and been married for 1. Dh had Ss when he was 18 . Bm wanted to put him up for adoption for Dh refused. He wanted to raise Ss. Bm isn't in the picture and Dh raised Ss alone up until he was 10.
Dh did a wonderful job raising him. Ss is soft-spoken, sweet, caring, polite. Dh went to school full time and worked full time to support Ss. Dh is a chemical engineer. He came from a low in come family but he wanted better for Ss. That's something I always admired about him. There is no doubt that the both of them love each other very much.
I share custody with my ex for our 9 year old daughter. Dh does care about her but I know he doesn't love as much as Ss. That's alright though because I feel the same about Ss. Don't get me wrong. Ss and I to get along very well. Do I care about him? yes but I don't love him as my own and Dh understands this and he feels the same about my daughter.
I would like to have another child. I'm only 33 and I would really love another child with Dh. But Dh doesn't want another one. He says that he can't love another child as much as he loves Ss. I get it. He raised Ss since he was 18 years old and they do have a special bond. And dh worked hard to ensure that Ss had everything he needed.
This has been bothering me lately. Just because he already has one child he doesn't want another. I would really like another and I'm starting to resent Ss. I know it's not fair and I'm trying to think from Dh perspective and I do see as to why he loves Ss so much. But it's almost as if he loves Ss so much that he doesn't have enough for another child. Due to him having Ss young, I'm not allowed to have another child. Dh did an astounding with Ss and there is no doubt he would be an excellent parent to another.
I'm trying my absolute best to not make a mountain out of this but it's been chipping away at me . And I feel like a wicked selfish witch for starting to resent Ss. He's completely innocent
This is honestly the kind of
This is honestly the kind of thing that people should be on the same page.. and know that before they get married. Did your DH say at one time he would have another.. or did you perhaps indicate that one was enough for you?
I mean.. theoretically... you both have had an opportunity to be parents. He may also not be interested in starting over at this point. Your daughter is 9 years away from being out of the nest.. maybe he doesn't want to wait 18 more years to do things for himself that maybe he didn't do because he was thrust into fatherhood so early in his life?
At first we agreed to have
At first we agreed to have another but over the course of the last few months he seemed uninterested and avoidant . It came to the point where I asked him point blank if he actually wanted to have another and his response what that he doesn't want another because it feels that he couldn't love another child as much as Ss.
Have you asked him why he
Have you asked him why he thinks that because people have more than one child all the time and while they love their first born endlesly.. they still have just as much love for the next child.. and the next etc..
Love isn't finite. It isn't like he only had enough for his son.. he obviously developed a love for you right? and he loved his parents before he loved his child.. each relationship can and will be different.. even between children.. He will always cherish the FIRST of things he had with his son.. but there are probably new and different ways he would connect to another child.
This is definitely an area where you might benefit from couple counseling.. and he may even want a few sessions on his own.
Do you think he is more worried about his SON being hurt by him having another child.. and that his son might worry about not being loved as much any more?
My mother always said that
My mother always said that she couldn't love another child as much as she loved my older sister. She still had more children, but she didn't see how she could possibly love them like her firstborn. Well, she does. Sometimes more. Funny how things happen.
If you and he agreed up front to have a child together, I would keep pushing. I wouldn't take "I couldn't love another child as much" as an answer. He probably would, and so what if he didn't? He'd still love his own child, even if it wasn't "as much." Ultimately, though, if he doesn't come around you may have to make a choice - DH or another child. He's allowed to change his mind, but you're allowed to walk away if he changes his mind on something so fundamental.
I agree 100%.
I agree 100%.
I hope it doesn't come to
I hope it doesn't come to that. I really do love him. But I will keep pushing.
I personally wouldn't push
I personally wouldn't push this man to have a kid with you if he's told you no. Almost all problems on this board come from women thinking they can change a man and fix things. Believe him when he tells you he won't love your "ours" baby as much as ss. There are many stories on here about men who favor their first set of kids.
I’m sure he didn’t think he’d love anyone as much,
before he had his son. The same will be true for another child. He will be surprised at how easily the love comes in, with another. It won’t be the case, not loving another as much, he will love another child just as much.
Something I have realized since having my own children, which took years, a lot of loss, stress, work, surgery, pain, etc. is that the heart has this ability to expand. You think you won’t love another like your first & you won’t, but you will love them as much & you will love them as your youngest (or whatever position they are in). His heart will open, mine did, my DHs did, my SDs did. I don’t see how people don’t become completely infatuated with their babies. Your guy shouldn’t let this be the reason he doesn’t have a baby with you.
I wonder if that’s the true reason? My husband was also afraid to start over. He was enjoying the freedom of his daughter getting older. He was afraid he’d resent me or our babies. Only once since we have had our babies, has my DH said he wished he had more free time. Your own kids suck you in, it’s nature & totally normal.
If this is something you
If this is something you discussed before you got married, and DH is going back on his word, I believe this could actually be grounds for annulment. Marriage under false pretenses, as he lead you to believe he wanted children, and is now going back on that promise.
To me, having or not having kids is not something I would compromise on. I made it very clear to DH well before we married that I wanted children, and quite honestly, if he backed out of that promise I likely would divorce him. That’s how important it is to me.
You need to decide for yourself what is more important. Having another child, or staying with DH. I don’t think it’s fair to force someone into having kids they don’t want (although his excuse about thinking he can’t love anyone the way he loves SS is total BS), but I also don’t think it’s fair to stay in a marriage where your needs aren’t being met either.
Talk with DH, but really think about what’s important to YOU. You’re only 33, which is quite young still. I’m late 30’s and only having my first child now! DH is in his 40’s & I remind him often that I still want 2 kids. He says he’d be quite selfish to deny his wife children, as he knew that’s what I wanted. And he’d be right.
Take care of yourself, don’t let your husbands selfishness dictate your life for you. If you want another child that badly, find someone who wants it with you if DH doesn’t.
DH Needs to Keep His Word
If he said he'd have a child and is now going back on his word it's a major problem. That is non-negotiable. Years ago, my ex-DH and I had planned to have 2 kids. We had a healthy girl and then a healthy boy. I never imagined I'd want more kids. I am the career type with MBA etc. But, when DD was 2 months old I was absolutely blown away by parenthood - best thing I'd ever experienced! So I wanted a third child, more than anything in the world. I started out saying 'wouldn't it be nice...', to begging, to eventually threatening that my resentment and anger would be so enormous our marriage would not survive. Friends told me to just get pregnant - I would never have done that - I eventually got him to cave in. Having my DD, third child was the best "difficult" decision I have ever made. I don't know what I'd do without her. It's like I knew she was out there and came to be - I can't explain it. And obviously ex-DH and I got divorced, but we would have regardless of how many kids we had. I wanted more kids even after my third, which is one reason why I resent my Skids so much (well, SS - the girls are fine I guess). They are such a massive disappointment compared to mine. Anyway in my experience wanting a baby does not go away. And my baby who is now a beautiful, wonderful 14 year old girl brings joy every single day. I don't know what I'd do without her. Don't give in!
When we married, my husband
When we married, my husband said he was open to having more children. I never wanted any until I lost my career. But by then, only months into our marriage, my husband had changed his mind saying he was too old for more children.
I always suspected his quick change of mind was because he cut a deal with SD that he wouldn't challenge her first-place position by having another child.
This thinking is quicksand. I don't know that's why he changed his mind so quickly, but if I operated on the idea that he promised SD he wouldn't have more kids, I'd resent SD and him even more...if that's possible.
I doubt you'll ever really know why your husband changed his mind, but if it's really important to you, keep at him, keep talking, keep trying to get to the bottom of it. His reason might be so nuanced that he isn't verbalizing it well.
It’s hard, and people (men
It’s hard, and people (men and women) can change their minds about things like having kids as time progresses. It is a deeply personal choice. You can’t really force someone to want to have a kid, and you can’t force someone to stay with you if you don’t want one and they do.
You can keep talking to DH, and he might have a change of mind.... or he may not, And then you have to make the choice whether you want DH more or the chance to have another kid more. The one thing I would caution against is coercing or giving ultimatums because that can severely backfire and lead to huge resentment in the relationship- and then you end up single mother 2 kids with 2 different men which would be taxing on you. You need to have the discussion with him but think it through in your own mind and make your own choices first.
Things change. Another baby
Things change. Another baby will be loved. I was an only child until age 6. My mom miscarried two pregnancies between my brother and I. One miscarrage was twins. When I was 8 my youngest brother was born. He passed 10mos later. Never have I felt less loved because my parents had my brothers. Your SS won't either. He has been raised as an only child and he will launch soon. You are young. So is your DH. There is plenty of time, room and love for another child. If my bride and I were both in our early to mid 30s at this point we would probably have a herd of rug rats swarming our ankles.
If... my bride could carry them safely. The first one nearly killed her and her OBGYNs over the years have advised her to not have any more BKs. It could still happen. She is only 43. I am the one with the expiration date looking on my breeding life. I don't want to start over at 55. Nore do I want risk that my child would have T-1 diabetes like their father does.
Nope, I am blessed with my son. I raised him as my own since he was 15mos old. I am proud to be his dad.
Instead of risking my bride's life and chasing a kid around into my geriatric years I will chase my wife instead.
Have a baby if you want one. DH will get on board in a hurry once you are expecting.
Disclaimer: I am not advising that you get pregnant without coordinating with DH of course.