Recently Gave Birth, Struggling As A Stepparent.
I've been in my SS's life since he was two. He's 8 now. My husband and I have him four days of the week, his mother three. His mother is.. useless. I have truly done more of his raising than she has. My husband has deployed once, of course the schedule was kept during that time when SS was around four. Sometime during the age of six.. SS just.. became stagnant. He stopped developing intellectually, emotionally, socially, he just hit this odd plateau. He is failing school, miserably. I don't know how things are done at his mothers house, I know she doesn't make attempts to help him in school, but I try to keep a consistent schedule for practing reading and math. My MIL also has her masters in education and teaches first grade, so I feel confident I'm using the right tips and tricks during lessons. Nothing helps. It's not just that he shows no interest in school, that's fairly common. It's that he doesn't have the capacity to maintain information. He thinks like a much younger child. He has no interests, other than tv, no passions. No humor, no personality really. He's a sweet kid, so at least he's not a dick, but all the same. He's basically a plant in the corner. You can look at him, but that's all he has to offer. You may notice not much mention of daddy. That is because my husband works long hours, though he's 100% guilty of just letting me deal with everything necessary, except a little discipline now and again. I've just had a baby. Mentally I'm really struggling with being a new mother and attempting to nurture SS. Sometimes I feel all I can do is feed him and shelter him. I have nothing much more to offer. My husband has another deployment coming up and I dread, absolutely dread summers with SS. I dread the tedious conversations about nothing. Trying to ride through the resentment we have for one another. Trying to be the only person in his orbit to have rules and consistency, while caring for a baby. I don't know what to do. It just feels like a bubble about to burst.
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Comments
Has SS ever been evaluated
Has SS ever been evaluated for Autism or Asperger's? My brother is on the spectrum and he is much how you describe. He struggled horribly in school, he is emotionally and socially very flat, etc.
I think a conversation needs to be had with your DH about realistic expectations. He can't expect you to do it all, when clearly both bioparents aren't concerned. You cannot care more than the bioparents. If DH is going to dump SS on you during deployment and BM isn't seeking an increase in custody during his absence, then DH needs to find you a village - family members, in laws, friends that can help you with SS while he is away. It is not acceptable that he takes off on deployment and leaves you to pick up the pieces.
As far as juggling the role of new Mom and SM, show yourself some grace. Again, you can't care more than the bioparents, so if feeding and keeping SS clean are the only things you can manage, then so be it. It is not easy to be a new Mom with an older child to raise. Some days, it is all about survival.
I’d suggest taking him to a developmental paediatrician
Both my kids had developmental and speech delays. My son's speech was very slow he was mostly silent and we found out both ear canals/ear drums were completely blocked with wax so even when he started speech therapy, his pronounciation sometimes was like a slight lisp on the end.
we also had to get genetic testing done and both my kids had gene duplication which is consistent with developmental and speech delays. Both my kids are about 1.5-2yrs behind in speech but part of that is because we couldn't get to a paediatrician and speech therapy as everyone had closed their books.
they are progressing well and we're doing our best to catch up.
Your's seems to have issues retaining info and understanding it so definitely a good idea to see a specialist otherwise the longer this is left, the more work you have to deal with.
i'm sorry bio mum is useless and this has fallen mostly on you to deal with.
I am the full time SM of an
I am the full time SM of an autistic young adult SS (almost 23). Getting in and having your SS evaluated is going to be key.
If it is determined that there is something going on, Autism, developmental delays, ect -- Once you have that diagnosis you can have your DH enroll him in EFM and open up a world of resources. There is a lot of help for you and for him, but getting the diagnosis is key.
Why is SS coming to your home
If his BF is on deployment ? SS comes to see his BF not his SM. BM should have SS all the time BF can not care for SS. It's not up to you to raise SS. He has a BM and BF, you are not one of them. That there problem to care for SS
If he's regressing, are you
If he's regressing, are you certain that he is not suffering some type of abuse while in his mother's care?
Also, has he been assessed?
Your DH should be finding more suitable employment and spending time with his son and navigating next steps to ensure he is being properly cared for, etc.
I don't agree about changing
I don't agree about changing employment. The military's insurance and resources for family members with special needs are outstanding. There are many service members who are only in because of those reasons.
I have to think that if he's
I have to think that if he's been regressing (or not progressing) for 2 years that his pediatrician has been consulted and your DH has reached out to his teachers (or vice versa). In our schools, it's virtually impossible for a child that young to fail without the parents being notified and extra school services being deployed. What have the third parties said about SS? Is your DH involved with medical and educational matters for SS? Is it possible that these conversations have taken place between the professionals and BM? In any event, your husband needs to start reaching out to get his son evaluated and get him extra help in school. If the BM is handling it, she's failing (at helping SS and at communication), so your husband needs to step up.
As for his deployment, I'd have a conversation with him about altering the schedule while he's gone. What would your husband do if you weren't around? Also, feeding and sheltering your SS is enough if you're overwhelmed. He has two parents who can do more than that - if they don't step up to do so, that's on them. Focus on your baby. But do let your husband know that you need help.