Confused about what a Marriage is at this point I guess.....
DH hasn't moved back in yet. He would like to move back in two weeks from now. I took the advice of some posters here and talked to him about living apart for six months. The way I figure it is that his kids are all worked up now and that will just get worse when he announces that we aren't having the nephew over for a while. I told him that I need six months to have a peaceful house for DD3 and me and rebuild our relationship. He has a 12 year old who is getting all F's in school and all of his kids are worked up by the BM at this point. SS12 has asked him a few times to divorce me and move back to their town (an hour away). I gave him full permission to do so - give me some space, get him some time to think, take care of his kids, etc. His response is that he will do whatever I want but that this is not what a marriage is - living apart.
What the hell is a marriage then? I thought I knew that when I was married to my previous DH - we had an amazing relationship, but he died. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he loved me, I could trust him, and I came first. With my DH now, I have to put up all kinds of boundaries, we have separate property and money, separate kids. My DD3 and I spent Thanksgiving alone, but DH's family (mom, sister, sister in law, and brother in law, and all their kids) had Thanksgiving with the BM and the skids. Is that normal?! I feel like an invisible doormat that is expected to drive, feed, cloth, and shelter the skids and BM's nephew, make sure she gets child support by fully supporting me and DD3 (plus pay the bills around here where DH lives and the skids visit), and wear a happy smile about it the whole time. THAT to me isn't a marraige. BM is more DH's family than I am.
DH keeps saying that he can't do anything about his family, blah, blah, blah. How about setting some real boundaries with BM and telling her to move the fuck on with her life?
write a will and specify
write a will and specify maybe a niece, sibling or charity gets your benefits if you do not have biological children.
Marriage now is not what it
Marriage now is not what it used to be. My issue with marriage and love is that we say we love ppl for they are, but do not love their kids. Not saying we should, could, can, or even will love them due to their behavior. How can we love the parent and not the kids, the kids for better or worse are and almost always will be a part of them.
Marriage is a convenient situation for people anymore. Society has changed to a point that kids are more powerful than adults, self entitlement is the norm, work ethics are considered archaic, and respect for anyone has gone out the window.
I've always said any relationship can lead to marriage, but if you are in a relationship that you know shouldn't and most likely wont lead to a life long commitment what is the point?
My mother and Stepdad live
My mother and Stepdad live states apart. He has his kids, 17yo twin boys. Mom has me. They see each other weekends and school breaks (both work for some form of school). They'll figure out what to do for a permanent situation once the boys graduate high school and my stepdad doesn't have to worry about what their BM wants to do with them or when. Until then, they make it work living separately. So obviously, it is possible. Probably not for everyone, but it is possible. They've been doing it so far for 2 years. 6 months is not unreasonable.
(SORRY THIS IS LONG!!) I am
(SORRY THIS IS LONG!!) I am in a "similar but different" situation. I have lived apart from my husband for nearly 5 years -- in part because of skid #2 who is 38 years old and not up to the task of supporting his family because DADDY DOES IT in fine style.
We are currently discussing a reconciliation of sorts and "hammering out the details." I have made it clear that I will NOT contribute financially to our household while he gives money to skid hand over fist. HIS CHOICE...
he can continue to give skid money but if he does, he will pay for EVERYTHING in our household - from the mortgage to the food to the nail polish on my fingers. OR...he can grow a pair and cut skid off like he should have done 20 years ago - and I will pay my share in proportion to my income.
If he elects to continue to dole out money to skid, all of MY money that I EARN by working HARD will be STASHED for MY future - whether I choose to use it to move or whatever.
I have not yet dropped the bomb that I don't want skid and his nasty wife and their nasty kids coming to our home -- EVER.
They already live in a house that is MINE...purchased without my knowledge or consent with 21 years of MY contributions to our family. That should be enough -- sorry, you already live in a house that is technically MINE (NY is a marital property state), you are NOT coming to the house that I live in. Dh can go see their nasty asses where they live.
So...we'll see how THAT negotiation goes. Dh knows that right now I have NOTHING to lose. I live in my own home, by myself, all nice and peaceful and I will NOT COMPROMISE and I will NOT GO BACK INTO A SITUATION WHERE IT IS ALL ABOUT WHAT SKID WANTS AND WHAT SKID NEEDS.
If I do move with dh and he proves that he isn't up to having us be the TEAM and the MARRIED COUPLE that we always should have been - I'm gone again, nooooooooo problem!!
It's a sick, sick situation -- skid is 38, not 18, not 8...38. It's way past time to draw the line in the sand. I can already anticipate situations that are going to "crop up" that skid will ask for money for...
** their oldest brat will be driving in 3 years and they will want dh to pay the increased car insurance. The answer MUST BE NO.
** something will happen to skid's mother or step father and we will be asked to pay skid and wife's and kids way to Arizona. The answer MUST BE NO.
** skid will lose his job and we will be asked to be "flexible" with the payments they are (FINALLY) making toward the TENS OF THOUSANDS of dollars that they owe us. The answer MUST BE NO.
As I said, nothing to lose here - it's my way or the highway. We'll see how serious dh is about this getting back together. I am NOT giving up the place I live in now for at least 6 months. I might rent it out, I might not - if not, we can use it as a weekend place - it is literally in the middle of nowhere.
I care about my dh. I want him to be happy and he says he has "learned". I am taking NOTHING at face value and taking NOTHING for granted. He will have to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.