Clouded thinking - first post
Hello all. I’ve been reading for quite some time now and finally feel it’s my time to post. I am 31, bf is 32 and his son is 10. I really am at a loss on where to begin but I am reaching out for some clarity - support - roasting - literally whatever, because I cannot get my mind clear. I have even been to counseling over the issue in the past. We have been together nearly 3 years and his son spends summers with us currently (though he wants full custody at 12, and BM is likely to give it to him).
My issue is that while son is with us for summers in a diff state than BM, I am given ALL the responsibility. I don’t mind the kid but I dread the fathers appeared lack of parenting. I work from home and he works from 8:45a-9p all but two days a week. So morning routine - lunch - dinner is all up to me. By the time my bf gets home he allows the child to stay up til all hours of the night “because it’s summer” and promises if he was with us their would be a steady routine. I haven’t even had a glimpse of what that would look like. I feed the kid, do his laundry, take him to classes, make sure he is cared for through and through and his Dad has admitted a lack of parenting on his part this summer and apologized for it “going to try for the last two weeks he’s here” yay :/
I feel I have gone above and beyond to try to be accommodating to them both (this is my house), I have decked out a full room for his child even though it was my main work room... The lack of structure and parenting has led to nearly all our arguments and disagreements. Here’s a slice:
-10yr old plays GTA5 and COD all the time, -has his own phone that he is on sun up to sun down YouTubing, -neither of them do any cleaning or picking up after themselves, -Dad does not establish bed times or “adult time” it is literally a free for all until we go to bed, -kid is picky as hell about food and orders upwards of $15 plates on Dads $14/hr budget, ugh I could go on forever. I have rules and structure in my life. I feel like I am a shell of the person I used to be. I’ve lost all my will and self confidence in this and honestly want the best for all of us, but I’ve talked it over with Dad and he will only establish parenting rules if child lives with us, not for summer vacations. It made sense for me to watch him since I’m home but now I’m overwelmed and questioning everything. Can this turn around? He says “I knew what I signed up for” but in my mind I signed up to be a good girlfriend to him, a participant in some activities and it’s ultimately HIS job to parent and take care of his child. The BM does not have her own place and goes from guy to guy, so that’s why custody arrangements are in the air. I feel like I will have to pull out quickly and cut my losses if the child is set to live with us. Any kind of help would be appreciated 
sorry for the rant. I’m at a loss on how to turn this around.
Leave! You don't have a child
Leave! You don't have a child together, you're not married, just leave
I have thought about that a
I have thought about that a lot - except they are both in my house!! Since kiddo will only be here two more weeks I am waiting for him to go home and then seeing if any of this can be ironed out, or if I will have to send bf packing
I don’t feel taken seriously at all and at almost 3 years I’d figure things would be a lot better. In the 60 days kid has been here we have had 3 small dates together. Other than that it is all about his child, like he is obsessed. I get missing the kid but what happened to having a real relationship and showing the child adults have lives too, and it isn’t all about them. Literally not 5 minutes alone. I just lock myself in my room most of the day now or keep myself busy cleaning :(
You need to start thinking
You need to start thinking about YOUR future. YOU matter. Kick them out. I will tell you from experience, you may think it gets better, step parenting NEVER gets better, NEVER gets easier. You need to put you first, because he NEVER will. That child will be first, BM will come second (one way or the other), he will come 3rd, and you will come 4th.
If you don't believe me about BM, think of this. If you were put in a spot where he had to choose to upset you or upset BM, he will choose to upset you. You will always come after BM. And he's obviously already puts your wants and needs after his. So you already know you're needs conne after his.
Who took care of his kid
Who took care of his kid while he worked, before he was using you to do it?
Before he lived in BM state
Before he lived in BM state so either BM, his Mother or his sister did. Or his ex girlfriend :/ He is a combat vet and it took me a year to encourage him to get a job when we moved in together. He’s been working ever since and is trying to move up but yeah, it’s taking a huge toll on me.
He didn't work for a YEAR
He didn't work for a YEAR after moving in with you? What did he do?
Girl, move on from this nightmare. He can use "all that money he's been saving" and get his own place.
ETA: Nice name choice.*yahoo*
I’m sorry but
you basically fostered a grown man and spent a year parenting him to have him mature to the point he got a job?
This is not a man. This is a baby leech.
OMG, what jacka$$ your BF is.
OMG, what jacka$$ your BF is. Tell him you are "resigning" from what you supposedly "signed up for", and you will no longer be taking care of his son all day while he's there all summer, starting immediately. Nor will you tolerate the "no parenting during the summer" rules going forward. Either he sends the kid to camp all summer and parents him reasonably during the evening, or .... (you fill in the blank as to what you will do).
Stop letting him take advantage of you. None of this is your responsibility even if you were married, but certainly not as as his GF.
You have a total loser/user
You have a total loser/user on your hands. You can do better. Dump him.
Yikes and wowza
That whole no rules for summer is a real-life bummer (yes Im trademarking that!lololol)
Hey what about the whole "your house, your rules", and then you start making some.
Seriously kids need structure ALL the time. He can just stop being a dad for the summer.
Time to have a heart to heart and also let him know that the silent treatment doesnt work. You will be taking your life back and its your way or the highway buddy.
I get that you love the guy, hes trying, and hes a combat vet with some issues. But he needs to not be so childish and his child needs a father.
Is he trying? "He's a combat
Is he trying? I don't really hear that. "He's a combat vet" doesn't excuse not working for a year (and I assume, not getting disability, either), not paying rent now, and being a crappy father who doesn't care about his GF's needs.
I would give this guy his
I would give this guy his walking papers the second his kid leaves. You are being used. And the bullshit about there being rules and parenting when you have him fulltime? That's bullshit. Don't fall for it. If he cared at all about you he would institute rules and start parenting NOW, because that's what you want and need. Cut your losses ASAP and move on.
Edited to add:
"I did not sign up to be a parent - and if I do, it will be for my own."
PLEASE, double or triple up your birth control. DO NOT get pregnant with this loser. That might be his solution to his problems once you start trying to iron things out and he realizes he's being thrown off the gravy train.
Don’t believe that if the kid is there full
Time there will be rules. You with a BF who a bad parent. You are not married to him. You better think about it. You are one accident away of kid living with you 24/7/365. Next vacation this kid has someplace to go in the daytime. Dome type of sport camp, computer camp, out of the house. Up at 7 am to get out to camp. That will solve a small problem.
DO NOT let this kid move in full time. He’s doing nothing in the summer with the kid he is going to dump this kid on you full time. Let BM deal with him
What would he do
If you weren’t there to provide childcare for him. You are not the live in nanny and cook, I would be stopping these things and let him do the basics of being a parent
I’m at a loss on how to turn
Get your company to have you work in the office full-time or find another job that requires you to be chained to a desk for 8-12 hours a day! If you're not available bf would find some way to have HIS kid taken care of. Oh and bf wants full custody...BWAHAHAHA!!! You're the one who will be doing all the work while he glorifies himself as a single custodial dad. Structure? Really? How would he provide that with his work schedule? What he means is that he expects you to provide that while he's at work.
Read between the lines lady...you're being used.
How to turn it around:
—give him formal eviction notice
—talk to your landlord about it. Get his name off if it’s on there, maybe look at moving.
—change the locks
—remove his name from anything you have
—remove your name from anything he has
—talk to your employer in case you think he may do something stupid like show up there or harass you and you need to disappear for a few days
I would recommend that you do
I would recommend that you do pull out or.... inform your SO immediately that the Skid will not be in the home during work hours. Ever.
SO can put the kid in YMCA day camp for the summer. The budget isn't your problem. Do not pay for it. Ever.
If SO flips a bitch about it, he has a choice, outsource the Skid for work hours ... or ... leave him with BM for the summer.
This should apply for any changes in custody. Leaving work early upon occassion to take a Skid to the Doc, or for a parent teacher conference is one thing. Having the Skid all day every day from sun up to sun down is something else entirely.
Stand your ground.
Good luck.