Am I being selfish for not wanting the clothes I buy my 3 SK going home to thier BM house and vis a versa me not wanting the clothes she buys being kept at my house?
Nope. I don't want that bitch taking the clothes I buy. And I don't want her stained, nasty clothes she gets when her friends kids outgrow them in my closets. The clothes she sends kids back in are usually too small, stained, or full of holes for the kids to wear regularly anyway. When kids get back from their EOWE visit, the clothes they have on are washed and put away to go back to her in.
Ok good bc that is what I do. Every 1,3,5 friday when we pick up the kids thier BM clothes are washed and usually bleached then if need ironing I will iron them and send them back home in them looking nice even though they did not come over looking like that. My husband says I am being a bitch for doing that, that it does not matter whos clothes are whos. I look at it as she has a job and works for her money as do we and out of respect of her and her money whatever she sends with the kids clothes toys ect get sent back and she buys their clothes way to big for them and I would not want them anyways. I have a SS and 2 SD and when they are with us they are always well put together hair curled and ribbon or bow unless they are playing outside.
My DH wasn't too thrilled at the idea either. However when he had to keep buying clothes every other week for the kids, because she would keep the new 'good' clothes and send them back in clothes 2 or 3 times too small, he had to give in to the idea. We aren't made of money.
I'm not a heartless bitch. I did feel bad for making the kids go back to her in small clothes. But we had to, we have bills to pay. It's gotten a little better. Now the clothes are usually only 1 or 2 sizes too small. She's even sent them in some that were fitting. Either way, that's what they go back to her in. And we now have a closet full of nice clothes for the skids, since we keep everything we buy.
And yeah, your DH could be a bit more appreciative and thankful that you take care of his kids the way you do!
I look at it as someone has to care about how they look. What is that teaching them for when they are older. It breaks my heart that she does not care what they wear and weather or not it fits. Just this past friday we had to throw away my SD 9 target convers bc she has worn them every day since the first day of school bc BM only got her that one pair for the school year. They were literaly "molding" and the soles of the shoes were "talking". the smell of these shoes is beyond words. So we had to send her home in our shoes.
We have full custody of the kids. It makes no sense that BM keeps the good stuff. Since the kids have to go to school from here, and need to look presentable in school, we do what we have to do. If we have to send the kids to school 2 days out of the month in shirts that are too small, or jeans with holes in the knees, that's just what we have to do.
We've had problems with BM keeping our shoes, too. She got angry when she pulled a stunt and tried to keep SS6's shoes, and we sent him back in HER shoes (with ties) the next time. Poor kid was scared to go to his mom in 'tie' shoes. We threw away the 'tie' shoes later, and she is currently sending the kids home in the shoes we send them in. However, if the shoes were to come back to us all nasty and moldy, she'd catch hell from us.
Holes in knees not a big deal for me but yeah clothes that are too big or to small is not ok. I understand that it is a hassle that us as parents buy new clothes and then it feels like we are turning right back around the next day to buy more new bc they out grew but that is life and it is a lot harder on us bc they dont get to wear our clothes enough to wear them out they are out growing pretty much new clothes bc we only get them the 1,3, and 5 weekend. We have to hound her about getting our clothes back if the kids ever do go to the BM home in them. I dont get her!
idk. I remember when bm threw away a pair of sandals I bought ss. When he was younger I had him wear sandals in the summer and she threw 2 pairs away in two years. WTF? SS told us she thought they smelled bad. I was pretty p.o.'d. I have a sensitive nose-she on the other hand is a smoker and I never smelled anything-of course granted I didnt stick my nose right to his shoe, but I still think it was wrong for her to throw them away. They weren't even more than a couple of months old. So I am not sure you did the right thing throwing her shoes away. If you felt they were nasty-you could have washed them, sprayed them, or just tied them up in a bag and returned them to her.
My oldest is 13 and I can only think of a handful of times when I have actually ironed any of my childrens clothes. There kids, kwim? So I could actually see where that comes off sorta bitchy-as if you are trying to rub it in her face that you take better care of the kids then her?
That being said-we always used to try and keep the clothes separated. BM was fond of hand me downs and ill fitting clothes for ss as well-whatever he came home in I would wash and put back on him next time he went back. Now that ss is older he does what he wants. He's a pill-he takes every single item that we buy him back to her house(we do buy him probably 75 percent of his clothes). He literally has not one article of clothes here right now. I stopped caring a few years ago. We never end up seeing the nice things we buy again, he only comes down here in crap-the same crap over and over again. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose.
There was no way of cleaning these shoes and I have cleaned their shoes before for them. The soles of them were not attached to the actual shoe itself and if my husband would not have thrown them away she would have been back over to our home in them the next time we had them. I do not think that is right for an adult to allow her child to go to school being the smelly kid in class. In my opinion that is child abuse. I am sorry that by me taking care of their clothes bleaching them ironing ect. comes off as trying to one up her, however we "do" get out of the house and do things as a family and I don't not want them looking like they slept in those clothes when we go out in public and/or that my husband and I are to worried about our looks to care about our children. However if they are just playing outside then I dont care what they look like bc I know they are going to get dirty. i think that it is ashame that in order for her to get the kids new anything we have to toss out the old. Oh and I LOVE hand me downs and my SK have a lot of those kind of clothes but they still look nice and presentable and FIT!
Love it! yeah my sk BM says that our front load washer which let me tell you has NO aggetator tears there clothes and that our dryer ruines their good clothes bc of the heat. I have been doing laundry since i was 9 only bc i am OCD and I have NEVER ruined not one item. Not even turning a white sock pink. I know if she would put my SK in clothes that fit they would not bust the seams of their pants or snag their shirts on things bc they are to big.
BM2 is filthy and her home is filthy, so we have designated exchange clothes, and nothing that I buy ever goes over there. There is a short set that was handed down from my daughter, and there is a set of sweats, and she wears one of those two things over and back. She also has designated shoes she is to wear for exchanges and a designated coat, none of which she needs here. If she comes back without the coat, BM gets a text to bring it with her when she picks SD up because she won't be sent with another one.
BM3 is a totally different story. She's the mom of SD4 (turning 4 in a month, anyway). She works for an early learning center at a hospital, which provides daycare for the hospital staff. Mostly doctors and nurses. So the center gets a ton of really nice clothes donated to them by these parents, and she brings them all home for SD4. She brings clothes over here for her by the van load. It's all very nice stuff, Gap, Gymboree, Lands End, the kind of stuff that holds up really well. North Face and Columbia coats and snowgear. I have never had to buy anything for SD4 as far as clothes or snowgear. And when she outgrowns what she's got at BM3's house, BM3 boxes it up and brings it over to me for my baby, who is already in 2t clothes at 8 months (we are giantesses on my side of the family). Also she sometimes gets in very nice things that she knows will fit my daughter (DD7, but she's by far the biggest girl, 2 sizes bigger and 40 lbs heavier than SD8) and SD8, and she brings them over for the girls and spoils them. Of course she knows anything she brings will be trickling down to SD4, but still, I think that's really nice of her.
The first weekend BM2 picked up SD8 I sent over a shopping bag full of "playclothes" that I had culled out of the closet as "not worth passing down". Things that were in ill repair for or weren't going to be passed on for whatever reason...and I told her that after that she was responsible for buying whatever SD needed at her house, and that I expected her to return her in what she was sent over in. She's made her bed by being sneaky and selfish and being a terrible mother to SD8.
I dont get my SK BM. She is 30 and I am 23. She has been a BM for 11 years the age of my SS and she still does not get how to dress them or teach them how to dress and better yet proper hygein. I know that some of my SK clothes are hand me downs and that is totally fine with me bc they have some of those here at our house but when your BD 7 can still fit in a 4t in somethings do not try and put her in size 7 clothes or BD 9 send her to school in 14-16 clothes just bc they were given to you. set them aside and let them GROW IN TO THEM!
That is the request I have made as well...the things I buy stay at our house and the things her BM buys don's stay at our house. My finacee says that is not fair to the child and we should just be the bigger person. I get called the "bitch" too even though I wash, dry, dry clean, etc. I have come to the conclusion that is is just easier to let my DH buy the clothes.
Wow! I am SO glad someone else is having the same issue as I am! BM will send the kids over in shorts, and it's winter, if she hasn't noticed.
I will NOT send the clothes I buy my skids to her house. She will not send them back. She sends them back in 24M clothing and they are about to be 4T in two months. It's ridiculous. SS3 will even come over wearing his brothers underwear, and his brother is in 1st grade. BM doesn't work. I am not going to spend my money that I worked for on clothes to give to her as a gift, because that's basically what that is. Also because she doesn't work, she doesn't take them anywhere. They stay at the house. They don't go to daycare. Maybe one occasional outing, which I hope she puts them in something decent for. But when they are with myself and BF, they go to daycare, to the park, to their Nana's house, out to eat, to the mall, to the doctor (because god forbid she ever makes an appointment), and other places. I am not going to send over my nice clothes for them to mess up around her house and keep raggedy ones for them to wear other places. And I will not send over clothes that their Nana buys them either.
When they come over, I wash the clothes they came in and put them on a shelf in their closet all together. Outfit, shoes, socks (if they are wearing any), underwear, jacket, everything. Then on Sunday when we take them back, they change out of the clothes they wore that day and put hers back on.
Once every couple of months she will send something halfway decent that I might want to keep for them to wear to school, but I send it back because that's what I do with the other clothes.
I don't feel bad at all for sending her shit back. I swear.. she sent SS3 over in 24M sweat pants 3 weeks in a row and I know she was trying to get him sent back in some other pants. I just kept sending them back and finally they stopped appearing at my house.
Bottom line, you are NOT being selfish. Sending their new clothes over there and her keeping them is basically you buying her clothes for them, and that's not happening.
This makes me feel so much better. My husband the BF wants to live in this fairy tale world that whats hers is ours and whats ours is hers. if that was the case he would still be married to the bitch. there is a reason why they have "2 HOMES". Our situation is alwasy b/c the clothes are to big bc to the BM she thinks she is saving money by putting my SD 9 is size 14-16 kids clothes and SS in whatever she finds but for some reason my SD7 she always seems to be in clothes that somewhat fit her. My heart hurts for them bc they want to spend time with this woman who does not care about them. I am so angry with the BM bc Gog has given her the ability to be a "mother" and blessed her with 3 AMAIZING kids and she does not give a darn case in poing, BM went away on a 7 day work training out of state only called maybe 2 times to check on them and when she got home she had my SK for "1" night then brought them back right after school the next day. my SD 9 was heart broken bc she wanted to spend time with her BM who had been away from them for 7days. BM did not care!! I would give my LIFE to be someones "Mommy" tA
Nope. I don't want that
Nope. I don't want that bitch taking the clothes I buy. And I don't want her stained, nasty clothes she gets when her friends kids outgrow them in my closets. The clothes she sends kids back in are usually too small, stained, or full of holes for the kids to wear regularly anyway. When kids get back from their EOWE visit, the clothes they have on are washed and put away to go back to her in.
Ok good bc that is what I do.
Ok good bc that is what I do. Every 1,3,5 friday when we pick up the kids thier BM clothes are washed and usually bleached then if need ironing I will iron them and send them back home in them looking nice even though they did not come over looking like that. My husband says I am being a bitch for doing that, that it does not matter whos clothes are whos. I look at it as she has a job and works for her money as do we and out of respect of her and her money whatever she sends with the kids clothes toys ect get sent back and she buys their clothes way to big for them and I would not want them anyways. I have a SS and 2 SD and when they are with us they are always well put together hair curled and ribbon or bow unless they are playing outside.
My DH wasn't too thrilled at
My DH wasn't too thrilled at the idea either. However when he had to keep buying clothes every other week for the kids, because she would keep the new 'good' clothes and send them back in clothes 2 or 3 times too small, he had to give in to the idea. We aren't made of money.
I'm not a heartless bitch. I did feel bad for making the kids go back to her in small clothes. But we had to, we have bills to pay. It's gotten a little better. Now the clothes are usually only 1 or 2 sizes too small. She's even sent them in some that were fitting. Either way, that's what they go back to her in. And we now have a closet full of nice clothes for the skids, since we keep everything we buy.
And yeah, your DH could be a bit more appreciative and thankful that you take care of his kids the way you do!
I look at it as someone has
I look at it as someone has to care about how they look. What is that teaching them for when they are older. It breaks my heart that she does not care what they wear and weather or not it fits. Just this past friday we had to throw away my SD 9 target convers bc she has worn them every day since the first day of school bc BM only got her that one pair for the school year. They were literaly "molding" and the soles of the shoes were "talking". the smell of these shoes is beyond words. So we had to send her home in our shoes.
We have full custody of the
We have full custody of the kids. It makes no sense that BM keeps the good stuff. Since the kids have to go to school from here, and need to look presentable in school, we do what we have to do. If we have to send the kids to school 2 days out of the month in shirts that are too small, or jeans with holes in the knees, that's just what we have to do.
We've had problems with BM keeping our shoes, too. She got angry when she pulled a stunt and tried to keep SS6's shoes, and we sent him back in HER shoes (with ties) the next time. Poor kid was scared to go to his mom in 'tie' shoes. We threw away the 'tie' shoes later, and she is currently sending the kids home in the shoes we send them in. However, if the shoes were to come back to us all nasty and moldy, she'd catch hell from us.
Holes in knees not a big deal
Holes in knees not a big deal for me but yeah clothes that are too big or to small is not ok. I understand that it is a hassle that us as parents buy new clothes and then it feels like we are turning right back around the next day to buy more new bc they out grew but that is life and it is a lot harder on us bc they dont get to wear our clothes enough to wear them out they are out growing pretty much new clothes bc we only get them the 1,3, and 5 weekend. We have to hound her about getting our clothes back if the kids ever do go to the BM home in them. I dont get her!
idk. I remember when bm
idk. I remember when bm threw away a pair of sandals I bought ss. When he was younger I had him wear sandals in the summer and she threw 2 pairs away in two years. WTF? SS told us she thought they smelled bad. I was pretty p.o.'d. I have a sensitive nose-she on the other hand is a smoker and I never smelled anything-of course granted I didnt stick my nose right to his shoe, but I still think it was wrong for her to throw them away. They weren't even more than a couple of months old. So I am not sure you did the right thing throwing her shoes away. If you felt they were nasty-you could have washed them, sprayed them, or just tied them up in a bag and returned them to her.
My oldest is 13 and I can only think of a handful of times when I have actually ironed any of my childrens clothes. There kids, kwim? So I could actually see where that comes off sorta bitchy-as if you are trying to rub it in her face that you take better care of the kids then her?
That being said-we always used to try and keep the clothes separated. BM was fond of hand me downs and ill fitting clothes for ss as well-whatever he came home in I would wash and put back on him next time he went back. Now that ss is older he does what he wants. He's a pill-he takes every single item that we buy him back to her house(we do buy him probably 75 percent of his clothes). He literally has not one article of clothes here right now. I stopped caring a few years ago. We never end up seeing the nice things we buy again, he only comes down here in crap-the same crap over and over again. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose.
There was no way of cleaning
There was no way of cleaning these shoes and I have cleaned their shoes before for them. The soles of them were not attached to the actual shoe itself and if my husband would not have thrown them away she would have been back over to our home in them the next time we had them. I do not think that is right for an adult to allow her child to go to school being the smelly kid in class. In my opinion that is child abuse. I am sorry that by me taking care of their clothes bleaching them ironing ect. comes off as trying to one up her, however we "do" get out of the house and do things as a family and I don't not want them looking like they slept in those clothes when we go out in public and/or that my husband and I are to worried about our looks to care about our children. However if they are just playing outside then I dont care what they look like bc I know they are going to get dirty. i think that it is ashame that in order for her to get the kids new anything we have to toss out the old. Oh and I LOVE hand me downs and my SK have a lot of those kind of clothes but they still look nice and presentable and FIT!
Love it! yeah my sk BM says
Love it! yeah my sk BM says that our front load washer which let me tell you has NO aggetator tears there clothes and that our dryer ruines their good clothes bc of the heat. I have been doing laundry since i was 9 only bc i am OCD and I have NEVER ruined not one item. Not even turning a white sock pink. I know if she would put my SK in clothes that fit they would not bust the seams of their pants or snag their shirts on things bc they are to big.
BM2 is filthy and her home is
BM2 is filthy and her home is filthy, so we have designated exchange clothes, and nothing that I buy ever goes over there. There is a short set that was handed down from my daughter, and there is a set of sweats, and she wears one of those two things over and back. She also has designated shoes she is to wear for exchanges and a designated coat, none of which she needs here. If she comes back without the coat, BM gets a text to bring it with her when she picks SD up because she won't be sent with another one.
BM3 is a totally different story. She's the mom of SD4 (turning 4 in a month, anyway). She works for an early learning center at a hospital, which provides daycare for the hospital staff. Mostly doctors and nurses. So the center gets a ton of really nice clothes donated to them by these parents, and she brings them all home for SD4. She brings clothes over here for her by the van load. It's all very nice stuff, Gap, Gymboree, Lands End, the kind of stuff that holds up really well. North Face and Columbia coats and snowgear. I have never had to buy anything for SD4 as far as clothes or snowgear. And when she outgrowns what she's got at BM3's house, BM3 boxes it up and brings it over to me for my baby, who is already in 2t clothes at 8 months (we are giantesses on my side of the family). Also she sometimes gets in very nice things that she knows will fit my daughter (DD7, but she's by far the biggest girl, 2 sizes bigger and 40 lbs heavier than SD8) and SD8, and she brings them over for the girls and spoils them. Of course she knows anything she brings will be trickling down to SD4, but still, I think that's really nice of her.
The first weekend BM2 picked up SD8 I sent over a shopping bag full of "playclothes" that I had culled out of the closet as "not worth passing down". Things that were in ill repair for or weren't going to be passed on for whatever reason...and I told her that after that she was responsible for buying whatever SD needed at her house, and that I expected her to return her in what she was sent over in. She's made her bed by being sneaky and selfish and being a terrible mother to SD8.
Your BM3 sounds like a nice
Your BM3 sounds like a nice lady. Wish all BMs were this good.
I dont get my SK BM. She is
I dont get my SK BM. She is 30 and I am 23. She has been a BM for 11 years the age of my SS and she still does not get how to dress them or teach them how to dress and better yet proper hygein. I know that some of my SK clothes are hand me downs and that is totally fine with me bc they have some of those here at our house but when your BD 7 can still fit in a 4t in somethings do not try and put her in size 7 clothes or BD 9 send her to school in 14-16 clothes just bc they were given to you. set them aside and let them GROW IN TO THEM!
That is the request I have
That is the request I have made as well...the things I buy stay at our house and the things her BM buys don's stay at our house. My finacee says that is not fair to the child and we should just be the bigger person. I get called the "bitch" too even though I wash, dry, dry clean, etc. I have come to the conclusion that is is just easier to let my DH buy the clothes.
Wow! I am SO glad someone
Wow! I am SO glad someone else is having the same issue as I am! BM will send the kids over in shorts, and it's winter, if she hasn't noticed.
I will NOT send the clothes I buy my skids to her house. She will not send them back. She sends them back in 24M clothing and they are about to be 4T in two months. It's ridiculous. SS3 will even come over wearing his brothers underwear, and his brother is in 1st grade. BM doesn't work. I am not going to spend my money that I worked for on clothes to give to her as a gift, because that's basically what that is. Also because she doesn't work, she doesn't take them anywhere. They stay at the house. They don't go to daycare. Maybe one occasional outing, which I hope she puts them in something decent for. But when they are with myself and BF, they go to daycare, to the park, to their Nana's house, out to eat, to the mall, to the doctor (because god forbid she ever makes an appointment), and other places. I am not going to send over my nice clothes for them to mess up around her house and keep raggedy ones for them to wear other places. And I will not send over clothes that their Nana buys them either.
When they come over, I wash the clothes they came in and put them on a shelf in their closet all together. Outfit, shoes, socks (if they are wearing any), underwear, jacket, everything. Then on Sunday when we take them back, they change out of the clothes they wore that day and put hers back on.
Once every couple of months she will send something halfway decent that I might want to keep for them to wear to school, but I send it back because that's what I do with the other clothes.
I don't feel bad at all for sending her shit back. I swear.. she sent SS3 over in 24M sweat pants 3 weeks in a row and I know she was trying to get him sent back in some other pants. I just kept sending them back and finally they stopped appearing at my house.
Bottom line, you are NOT being selfish. Sending their new clothes over there and her keeping them is basically you buying her clothes for them, and that's not happening.
This makes me feel so much
This makes me feel so much better. My husband the BF wants to live in this fairy tale world that whats hers is ours and whats ours is hers. if that was the case he would still be married to the bitch. there is a reason why they have "2 HOMES". Our situation is alwasy b/c the clothes are to big bc to the BM she thinks she is saving money by putting my SD 9 is size 14-16 kids clothes and SS in whatever she finds but for some reason my SD7 she always seems to be in clothes that somewhat fit her. My heart hurts for them bc they want to spend time with this woman who does not care about them. I am so angry with the BM bc Gog has given her the ability to be a "mother" and blessed her with 3 AMAIZING kids and she does not give a darn case in poing, BM went away on a 7 day work training out of state only called maybe 2 times to check on them and when she got home she had my SK for "1" night then brought them back right after school the next day. my SD 9 was heart broken bc she wanted to spend time with her BM who had been away from them for 7days. BM did not care!! I would give my LIFE to be someones "Mommy" tA