Chores
SD4 has been an entitled brat lately - backtalk, lying, tantrums, some minor destructiveness. I know a lot of it is the age; SD6 was a brat at the same age. I'm with SD4 all day during SO's parenting time (they're 50/50), and I don't allow her bad behavior without consequences. SO, of course, says that she's only 4. Well, too bad. In a couple years she'll be only 6 and I don't want to be dealing with a 6 year old brat, then an 8 year old brat, etc., etc. because she was not taught to behave and consequenced until she did. She's responding to consequences, but I think she's at an age where she also needs to start contributing to the household. Entitlement is something that drives me nuts.
Currently she picks up her room when asked and with direction, and will do random tasks if I ask her to, but I'd like to give her some age appropriate regular jobs to do that I can praise and reward her for. What little chores have you given to your kids that they're able to do once they've been taught? She just turned 4, so I know I'll have to show her how to do things right and I don't expect perfection right away, but I think it's important that we make her contribute. Suggestions welcome!
At her age the picking things
At her age the picking things up is for sure the easiest. Maybe help feed the dog or cat (warning to make sure it is stored in a reachable place she isn’t toting a big thing around, I even spilled it the other day), helping put some dishes away she can reach, bottom shelves, putting clothes in drawers, helping you prep lunches (she lays the bread down, you do mustard, she places cheese...little assembly line), some gardening (kids love this) such as helping you plant something small (woohoo for getting dirty they think).
I am sure there are many more but those are a few i thought of
Sorting clothes, moving
Sorting clothes, moving laundry, pairing socks (which also helps them skip count by 2), I think my kids started folding their own laundry at this age too maybe a little older, setting the table, putting away the silverware, and any cleaning that involves water with a little vinegar and a rag, like walls, baseboards, & floors.
I think pairing socks is a
I think pairing socks is a perfect job for her. Thanks!
How sad
Dad dumps kid on his wife, who calls her a brat. Every time I read about people complaining dads not getting 50/50, I think of this scenario. If the kid is 4, she should be spending more time in school soon.
I would start with her picking up stuff, and would not have her using cleaning supplies.
ETA
https://latitudes.org/age-appropriate-chores-kids-infographic/?gclid=Cjw...
I like the chore chart in
I like the chore chart in your link! That’s a really good article
You said she just turned 4. I
You said she just turned 4. I have 4 daughters 16,14, and 11 and 1. I can promise you that at NO POINT ever....when they were 4 years old did I think for one second that they had to "contribute to the household". What does that even mean for a 4 year old? She is 4 and not even school aged....let her be 4. Maybe she can help clean up some toys after she plays....and you can make a game of it not a job.
Do you have children of your own? I bitch about the same stuff with my teen dds and sds....but not if they were 4.
I know, for a minute there, I
I know, for a minute there, I thought it was a typo and she was 14!
I'm with STaround, this is why men who can't be the primary parent shouldn't get 50/50.
Thanks - 50/50
If mom is not capable of parenting, this may be the best solution, but a 50/50 all the time may not be a good rule too.
My concern if that if there is a custody hearing, SM or SM to be gets up and says, oh, of course I will provide great care, but maybe she is more focused on reduceing CS, especially if she wants to have kids, and says to herself, well I can stay home if DH does not have to pay CS. There are no easy answers in family court, espcially if children are at stake. It is easy to make chore rules that may sound fair, but really aren't.
I have no objection to little
I have no objection to little kids doing chores and helping out. It's the "entitled brat" and "contribute to the household" stuff. Like she's Cinderella. Day care would be an improvement, most likely.
So dad can’t have a job and a
So dad can’t have a job and a stay at home wife? He should just pay a crap ton of child support and either BM sit’s at home or the child can go to day care? Didn’t know blended families couldn’t have a stay at home parent?
My daughter is 3 and currently
She helps pick stuff off the floor, helps hand our her brothers drink bottles, helps hand me clean laundry to hang, helps load the washing maching with dirty clothes, puts her finished bottles or bowls in sink. When i’m bathing her and her 2yr old brother, she helps pouring water on him and makes sure to cover his face to prevent water hitting it, she helps brushing her brothers hair, sometimes she wants to help vacuum or play with the broom etc.
If i am folding clean laundry and she sees me taking a bunch of clothes, she will follow too
some people say i’m not letting my kids be kids and poor them they’ll have so much pressure blah blah blah but i thibk its perfectly healthy and fine for them to see this as normal contributions by every member of the household and teaches them to be considerate. They actually enjoy doing these things
Is your child with you
Is your child with you consistently and gets help and guidance in doing chores?
The OP is talking about a child who spends half her time with her - who knows what happens in the other home - yet is expected to "contribute".
It seems farcical to me.
Young kids can be trained to do age appropriate chores, the key is consistency.
I doubt it exists here or that the child can understand the differences in two environments so it is OP who needs to modify her expectations - and possibly attitude.
The perception and attitude that just because sd lives in
2 homes because her parents are divorced and this excuses her being told and expected to contribute to chores at daddies place is the reason why we have self entitled skids. Its the “oh poor them children of divorce we’ll give you a free pass”. It doesn’t excuse her being expected to contribute to daddies home when there as a member of that household 50% of the time.
what happens when she is older and same arrangement? Is she excused because she only lives there part time? Yes her bio mum may not have chores at her home and lets them run wild maybe but dad and stepmum have every right to say help put your dirty clothes in laundry basket, help sort out the socks into pairs or put your toys away.
So many here complain that skids are useless, inconsiderate, failed to launch because they’ve never been taught or expected to master basic life skills but then you’re saying she doesn’t and shouldn’t be expected to contribute towards chores
i am a firm believer any member of a household contributes towards chores in some way. Obviously if your spouse is sole income earner, it tends to fall on the stay at home spouse to mainly do but that doesn’t mean when spouse is around at home and sees laundry needs to be hung on clothes line or trash emptied and dishes washed that he just turns a blind eye, he/she should still contribute.
having kids trained from a young age to contribute towards chores teaches them to be considerate of others, that it takes everyone to help maintain the home. To excuse this child on the sole basis she is a child of divorce and lives in 2 homes teaches her as an adult she can not contribute and its ok.
Just because you live in 2 homes doesn’t excuse things. Saying or implying that bio mum doesn’t do this or enforce it so why bother basically says bio mum dictates the way things happen in your home and its no point bothering. Its basic courtesy and expectations that everyone contributes to chores and basic cleanliness at home (any home)
my ss is almost 21, his mum abandoned him about 6 yrs ago and only contacted him once mid last year. She never nurtured or cared for him as the sole stay at home parent while my husband was the sole income earner. He refused to do any chores and made every excuse possible, threatening to run away from home, invented an imaginary stress syndrome. The fact his bio mum never taught him this and hubby wasn’t home to enforce it doesn’t excuse things.
we have 2 toddlers and its rude/inconsiderate to just palm your mess off to others to do like you have a king/god complex. I do not care what bio mum does or didn’t do in her home with him. In my home everyone contributes. If hubby spills something he sweeps and mops it up, he doesnmt walk away and tell someone to do it. To let ss have a free pass because he lives in our home only on uni breaks is absurd. To say he gets a free pass because bio mum never enforced or taught him this is absurd. The fact hubby was rarely home during the day as he was at work and didn’t know if ss did chores or not doesn’t excuse things now
the family dynamics have changed so the way things used to be is simply no more... things evolve, families evolve too whether they like it or not
What I picutre when I read
What I picutre when I read your post and what I picture reading the OP's post is completely opposite. Looking back maybe my kids did "help out" but it was more because it's what I was doing at the time and they wanted to shadow me and hang with mommy and we probably made it a game and had fun....for 30 seconds until they moved on HAHA. I picture your kids having fun helping you and it sounds sweet and endearing and makes me say...awe those were the days!!. I picture OP demanding this poor 4 year to be doing her own laundry and making her own meals.
Not to mention
One PP thinks this 4 YO should clean walls, basebords!
And I assuming that the OP does not call the 4 YO a brat to her face, but the fact that she refers to this kid this way even on ST is so sad.
Really? This is a place to
Really? This is a place to vent. I'm sure she's not calling SD a brat to her face or abusing her. Young kids are often not that enjoyable to be around, and yes they can be brats. She stated SD talks back, lies, throws tantrums. All of a sudden we're offended because she wrote it here, on STalk, the place where skids are often referred to as "crotch droppings" and "feral brats" for no other reason than that they exist? I don't see people getting their panties in a bunch when people post those comments.... My SD is great, but you can bet your ass I'll refer to her as a brat sometimes.
I don't think OP is being harsh at all. She probably felt safe here referring to her SD that way because, well, kids are brats. I also don't see anything wrong with looking for ways SD4 can help out and yes, contribute, as long as it's within reason. It's better than her raising SD to be entitled. A quick internet search shows tons of links to chores for 4yr olds. OP isn't the only one who thinks this way, and I think it's good to get kids in the mindset to help out early in life. I helped when I was very young, (yes, I cleaned baseboards *gasp*!), and my SM was the one making me do it. She took it way overboard, but I still don't feel like I missed out on my childhood because of it. I felt proud for being able to do things not everyone else could.
That being said, it's not fair for OP to have this kid all to herself on Dad's time. I wouldn't want to be in this situation and would be figuring out alternatives.
Exactly. It's completely
Exactly. It's completely different from a bio mother than it is from this particular stepmother. A bio mother is doing it to raise her children to be responsible. The SM is doing it so she doesn't have to deal with entitled brats who don't pull their weight in the household.
I feel sorry for this little girl. She should be with her mother if DH isn't around. (Assuming her mother isn't batshit crazy).
I clearly did not express
I clearly did not express myself well if this is the impression I gave you. I'm not asking about this so I can lighten my household load. I am trying to teach responsibility and help mold the child into a productive, well behaved person. She is with me as often as she is with her mother, so I do have an interest in that. FWIW, her mother is not batshit crazy - she's a good mother. But SD can't be with her mother on her dad's days. BM works on dad's days; I work on BM's days. SD used to go to a babysitter on dad's days, but I was able to adjust my work hours so I can watch her, and she prefers to stay with me.
Yes, that was the impression
Yes, that was the impression I got. It obviously was not the impression you meant to give - I didn't read that you loved and were concerned for them at all.
I think small kids should do chores, but I'm still not sure a barely 4-year-old can be "entitled". Demanding? Yes.
Her last two tantrums were
Her last two tantrums were because she thinks she should get a toy every time we walk into Walmart. When I didn't get her anything the last couple times we were there, a tantrum followed. To me, that's entitled. Again, it may just be semantics. But she didn't do this a couple months ago. I think this particular behavior is a direct result of BM having a boyfriend for the last several months who is well off and has been buying them a LOT of stuff recently. Unfortunately, SO can't afford to buy them a new toy every time we're at the store. I can, but he doesn't want me to and I don't think they need more stuff anyway. I'm trying to nip this in the bud.
If Dad only has the kids
50/50, I would try to avoid taking them to the store. And please stop blaming the ex. Nip it in the bud by not taking the kids to the store.
I'm not blaming the ex. I
I'm not blaming the ex. I was just pointing out where I thought the behavior came from, not saying there was anything wrong with BM's boyfriend buying them things. I like BM's boyfriend; he's a great guy and he's welcome to treat the kids to whatever he wants. What I do see wrong is the child's expectation that she should always get a toy and the resulting tantrum.
My niece and nephews always
My niece and nephews always loved to help out at that age...so finding good, age-appropriate chores tends to be pretty easy.
I would have them fold socks with me (while I was folding other laundry...I'd just put all the socks in a big pile and tell them to start matching them up) while watching a kid's show. Putting laundry away...expecially their own. Putting forks and napkins on the table. Putting silverware away (no sharp knives but butter knives OK), feeding pets, watering plants.
Is it just the wording
Is it just the wording everyone seems to be taking exception to, or is it the fact that OP would like her SD to help out in an age appropriate way?
The wording was harsh, I’ll give you all that. But I often get my SS’s to do age appropriate things around our place when they’re with us, so I’m not seeing the big deal?
At 4 she really shouldn’t be doing anything major, and she doesn’t need to do any deep cleaning or cooking, obviously. Little things like help put toys away before leaving the house or going to bed. Putting any shoes that are out back in the closet, bringing her plate over to the counter instead of leaving it on the table, folding her clothes & putting dirty ones in the hamper instead of on the floor.
I wouldn’t expect more than that from a 4 year old, and it really wouldn’t need to be more than a few minutes a day. The dad would need to be on board as well, but I really don’t see the issue with it.
If she was expected to help scrub toilets or wash dishes that would be too much, but nothing wrong with getting them to pick up after themselves & start to understand that everyone needs to pitch in to keep a house clean & tidy.
I wouldn’t call a 4 year old an entitled brat if they weren’t doing these things, but I can see the point that not expecting kids to help out can lead to entitlement if it goes unchecked. I dunno, I really don’t see the big deal personally but maybe I’m missing something.
I’m with you, Monkey.
I’m with you, Monkey.
Reading these comments after I posted my own I was like: “Holy sanctimommies, Steptalk!!! People sure are jumping down OP’s throat over nothing!”
Of course there’s nothing wrong with teaching a toddler to pitch in and contribute to the household in an age appropriate manner. How else are they supposed to learn what it means to live in a family? Or that life will require work? How else are they supposed to learn valuable life skills?
Chores are great for kids and they should have more of them!
(Also don’t know when the word “brat” became verboten on this site? Kids can and do act entitled...even from a young age. Totally acceptable and even wise to try to parent that behavior out of them...)
I have no issue with a child
I have no issue with a child doing chores, I think it's a great idea. I do object to a toddler being called an "entitled brat" who needs to contribute to the household.
Oh, putting shoes away is a
Oh, putting shoes away is a great idea! We always have way too many shoes lying around to trip over.
Perhaps I didn't word things
Perhaps I didn't word things well. I adore this child. It was my choice to watch her (she previously went to a babysitter on her dad's time) and she prefers to stay with me. But she IS going through a bratty, entitled phase and I'm trying to teach her. I should not have said she was a brat - it's her behavior that has been bratty of late, she herself is a sweet, wonderful little girl. I included the bratty stuff as background for why I'm thinking it would be a good idea to find something positive into which to channel her 4 year old energy.
When I say I want her to contribute to the household, I'm not thinking Cinderella. I'm thinking something to make her feel a part of things and to feel like she's contributing. Something to make her feel good about herself. She LIKES to help. This is NOT intended to take work away from me - if anything I think it'll be more work for me to teach her how to do small jobs and supervise her. But I think it's important to start early and get kids used to helping out. Believe me, she's not going to be scrubbing floors and toilets - she's 4. But I'm not sure exactly what 4 year olds should be capable of, which is why I'm asking the question.
But you didnt say
I want to help the child develope, you said I want the kid to stop being bratty. Big difference. I suspect if you had your own kids, you would word this differenlty.
You are correct. My wording
You are correct. My wording did not properly communicate what I'm trying to do. I hope I've clarified that. I'm not perfect and I'm learning on the job, but I do try to do right by these kids.
Who cares if she did say she
Who cares if she did say she wanted the kid to stop being bratty??? This is where she should be free to say that, and what adult that is around a 4yr old that is lying and throwing tantrums wouldn’t want them to stop being bratty?? Good grief. Also “I suspect if you had your own kids you would word this differently”. Possibly, but this isn’t her kid, and this is a Step-parents site! People say this about their own kids all the time. People vent about their bio kids too. It’s a thing. Stop trying to trip OP up with everything she says and just let her speak.
You’re basically telling OP how she should word her posts, to fit what YOU think is acceptable. OP don’t even worry about it, if people want to take things you said in the worst possible way they can Interpret it, let them. Most people understand what you meant.
Anyone consider that OP might
Anyone consider that OP might be with the kid all day because she could be a stay at home mom while dad works? Or is that not acceptable for them because they are a blended family? Dinner and story time with dad isn’t enough if he can’t be there every second?
Nope the kid should just be at moms since you also want to assume BM’s not working during dad’s time and apparently she can’t use day care during her time because if she can’t watch the kid they should be at dad’s. Wait dad’s working? I guess no one’s allowed to work?
As for OP calling the kid a brat… Really you’re getting mad at her on here for that? . Maybe she’d like to handle it now before the kid turns into the entitled teenagers so many people come here to vent about. But heaven forbid we call a 4 year old a brat. Nope gotta wait fill 5 and call them satan spawn. Or a 13 year old whore / slob / waste of space or whatever else we all laugh about.
And there’s absolutely no way dad could already be a “Disney dad”. Nope like he says the child shouldn’t have consequences since she’s only 4. Somehow she’s supposed to magically improve as she ages without anyone teaching her.
Then you’re jumping on her wording about “contributing to the household”. Again are you kidding me? You’re attacking her on her word choice. Do you really think it’s wrong for her to be asking what chores are appropriate for the child to do? Every single chore chart I’ve found starts for children as young as 2. OP even points out she want’s “age appropriate regular jobs to do that I can PRAISE and REWARD her for.” OMG NOOOOOOOOO Step children aren’t allowed to do chores because then that means mom HAS to be the evil step mom. That’s the ONLY reason why a step mom want’s a kid to do chores. Nothing to do with the child being there 50% of the time and being a full member of the family with equal expectations as her sister.
Nothing wrong with SM wanting to be SAHM
If she can treat the stepkid same as her own kid. I find that unlikley. Just read posts on ST. Many SMs hate their stepkids. If dad cannot be home, in that situation, he should send kid to preschool and have dinner with his child.
OP says the kid DOES understand consequences.
I do not think the contribution of a 4 YO to a household should be huge.
So a stepmom isn't allowed to
So a stepmom isn't allowed to watch the kid? Dad HAS to send the kid to preschool? OP clearly states above she WANT'S to watch the child. That she loves the child but we all asummed she has to hate them becuase everyone here does? Then we'll attack her for venting about it?
OP never said she want's the contribution to be huge. She asked what's age appropriate and her reasoning is to invovle the child more fully in the home. As I said every chore chart I've seen starts at 2. Pretty much as soon as the kid can walk and talk they can help in the home. That doesn't mean you're treating them like a slave.
Do you refer to your stepkids
Do you refer to your stepkids as entitled brats, when they are only toddlers? I know you never would, you are good to your stepkids and love them.
That's what I was objecting to, not having kids do chores. And yes, I believe that a father should not have 50/50 if his wife is going to be the primary parent. It makes no sense to me.
I love my future stepkids but
I love my future stepkids but yeah I've called them worse when they aren't around and their parents do the same. In our house they are "d*cks" and "jerks" becuase sometimes they are. Sometimes they are "monsters" and "a*ses". But that doesn't mean I don't love them and you should see / hear what BM calls them when they can't hear.
SO's little one was the sweetest thing in world when I met him at 3 and told me he loved me in a month but he was still the most entitled little brat I'd ever met bossing his sister around and couldn't do a thing for himself until I put my foot down and told him taught him how to put on his own shoes.
And I guess dad should just pay BM to be a stay at home mom then? Or is BM allowed to leave the kid with whoever she wants and she can enjoy dinner and bedtime stories but dad isn't allowed to do the same. Why don't we just make BM pay dad a ton of child support and he can be a stay at home dad. Heaven forbid we let a blended family make the same choices as a "normal" family. Nope gotta punish them because MOM's house is more important than dad's. All mighty mommy is the best and step mom is worthless.
Yes, the bio mom is more
Yes, the bio mom is more important to a child and should be, even crazy ones. If the father can be the primary parent, with perhaps some help from his wife, that's one thing. But to take a kid from his/her mother and have the stepmother raise them half the time makes zero sense to me.
It should never be about the father dumping all care on his wife so he can avoid child support. And yes, it should go the other way, too, if BM is dumping the kids on her new husband. But you don't hear that much.
Let me get this clear. You're
Let me get this clear. You're saying that the MOTHER is more important than the FATHER. That they aren't equal in their importance to the child?
The childs isn't being TAKEN from their mother any more than they will be taken from her when the kid goes to school. They aren't being taken any more than if the mom sends the kid to day care and contray to what BMs think they aren't entitled to being a stay at home parent while BD goes to work and pays them to do it.
Both homes have equal value and have a right to run their home as they will. More than a few judges have gotten rid of rights of first refusal becuase the FAMILY is important and family isn't just mom or dad. It's everyone invovled in those homes and if possible the kids should have equal time in those homes becuase anything less and they are just visitors.
If its ok for a mom to be a stay at home parent then it's just as ok for a step mom to be. Anything else means dad's are second class citizens and less important. Anything less and they're nothing but baby sitters at best. My two deserve every minute they can get with their dad and dinner time / bed time stories are worth every moment they spend with me alone while their dad works to suppor them. They have every right to be in our home like any "normal" child would and we have every right to run our home as if we were a "normal" family.
I feel sorry for your husband that you don't see him and his home equal to his ex's.
Let me add it's different if
Let me add it's different if the step mom doesn't want to take care of the child.
But if the family agrees that it's best for step mom to be a stay at home parent that family has the right to decide that.
I dont think anyone is saying that
Mom is more important than Dad.
Where I live ROFR is given if either party wants it. Judges are aware of tensions in stepfamilies and would rather the bio parent (unless a druggie, total nut case, etc.) be with the kid.
I think some are saying the mother is more important than a SM, and rarely is SF SAHM for his stepkids.
I do see that I misread what
I do see that I misread what was said above but personally I still don’t think agree with rights of first refusal. They unfairly affect the genders. In our case BM wanted RoFR because she knew it would prevent SO from seeing his kids and being a part of their lives. She would rather he be dead than let him be a dad but was happy to take his money.
As you pointed out RARELY is a stepfather a stay at home parent so rarely is it the mother who loses out on putting her kids to bed because she works. It’s the dads who have to give up bed time stories and homework time because our society still places more finical burden on them.
As I said thankfully more judges are starting to realize that kids aren't just visitors and shouldn’t just be guest in their father’s home. When you repeatedly take them away if dad isn’t there you destroy any chance of them being fully involved in the family unit. You tell them only their dad matters and you tell them they aren’t ALLOWED in the home without him. You tell them that the rest of that house isn’t their family. That their relationship with their step / half siblings or anyone else in that house is worthless and unimportant. That it isn't THEIR home. So why should they respect it and anyone in it.
You also create a wonderful system for one parent to abuse the other and emotionally harm the kids as they constanly question to ensure the other parent is following the rules which was what was happening in our case.
If the family is healthy enough for RoFR they don't need an order. If an order is needed then there's already conflict and this will only make it worse.
Here’s something to consider.
Here’s something to consider. Even if 50/50 some states will use child support to make the homes “equal”. How about instead of “equal” being based on money why don’t we use child support to make the houses “equal” in parents time with their kids. Isn't a parents time more important than how much money they give to the kids? I mean that's what your saying with RoFR.
If mom’s home can get away with the bio parent being home maybe they should pay child support so dad’s home can do the same? Seems stupid right? But that’s what this ends up doing. This idea that dads house can’t have the same standard stay at home parent as “normal” homes so he has to give up time with the kids becuase our society is built for women to stay home and not men.
Mom “natural” can do it because as a society we don’t value a female’s ability to earn money to support her home. We say she isn’t as important in the work place so of course she can be a stay at home parent, so of course dad can pay her to do it but don’t you dare give him equal rights to that in his home. Nope he can’t let his new wife stay home because mommy needs the support and kid. He isn't important to the child and his home doesn't matter. He's a pay check after all no matter what.
It all comes down to the fact we continue to deny men equal rights as parents and women equal rights as finical earners. If women did have equal pay which is a complex issue and in the end they don't it would be different.
The idea behind ROFR
Is that parental time is more important than non-parental time. If dad is willing to rearrange his time to spend more with his kids, he should try for that. In a divorce, both parents frequently spend less time with their kids.
I think it depends on how you
I think it depends on how you value blended families. We sit here and complain that kids don't respect stepmoms or don't care about their siblings but then try to say they aren't allowed in the home if dad's not there. You basically tell the kids no one else in that home matters. Just dad. That's going to enhance the idea that they are the center of dad's world and make things like "mini-wife syndrome" worse. It increases this idea that when they come around the whole world should stop for them and that’s just unrealistic. Either they are part of the family or they are a visitor. If they are part of the family they are there when they are supposed to be not just when dad’s home.
Let me be clear I don’t think a bio-parent should force their spouse to keep the kid just because but if they are willing to act as a “normal” family where one parent stays home to care for the kids while the other works they should be allowed to do that and the bio-parent shouldn’t be punished with the kids being removed from their home.
The thing is this issue is mainly existent while the kids are too young for school. We’d never say dad should lose joint custody because he uses daycare for an hour after school. We understand that it’s just part of life and things like daycare can actually benefit a child’s development.
I think the HOME comes first. I don’t think RoFR should apply until someone outside of the home will be keeping the kids for an extended time. Kids belong in their home. They should be a full member of it and that means being there while dads gone if the other kids are also.
I have NEVER said that kid should not be allowed in the house
if dad not there. I just think that actual parents should have priority. With rights come responsiblity. If you think that a SM should get rights, then I would ask, should she be expected to pay for college? I don't think so.
Does dad have the right to
Does dad have the right to have a babysitter for his child during his time or should he lose 50/50 custody because he has to work? The reality still stands that men will make more in their career then women. More women are stay at home moms. BM’s benefit unfairly in that way so they would get unequal privileges of having the child be a complete member of their family if their home has a stay at home parent.
Does dad’s home not have equal rights to have a stay at home parent as mom without losing custody time? Until we fix the work place inequality the answer is no if the stay at home parent HAS to be the bio parent.
This isn't about a step mom having rights at all. It's about dad's rights and his right to have the child in his home the same as mom. It's about the child's right to being in their home and not just being a visitor. It's about them being an equal family member. If step mom being a stay at home parent is good enough for the child’s half siblings it’s good enough for joint custody child too.
You don’t seem to understand it’s not about step mom at all. I could have turned down keeping my SO’s kids while he was at work but then he and they would have missed out on the time they did get. My keeping them while he was at work meant they got to be a full member of our home. They got to wake up in their beds in our home, spend time with their pets, play with their toys, have breakfast, and engage in activities that we find important such as going to the library and park because I took them. It meant they got to have dinner with their dad every night and have bedtime stories and hugs and kisses from dad. Them being with me during the day is no different than when they are at school during moms time. I replaced school during the summer so dad had a chance to be a full parent and the kids aren’t just weekend visitors.
It’s about the home and the family. Are kids’ visitors or family members? Is their dad a parent or a baby sitter? If you take the kids out of the home simply because dad works you make them different and you tell them they aren’t really a part of that family / home.
Again it’s ok for a bioparent to work as long as the kids are in school but not if the kids aren’t old enough? What about day care and preschool? I guess that’s not acceptable either if a bio parent is available. Heck what if a bioparent wants to homeschool. Guess we have to allow that because being with bioparent is the most important thing in the world?
I adore my niece and nephews
I adore my niece and nephews and I’ve told them to their faces that they’re being entitled, bratty, whiny, ugly...etc. because they ARE and that kind of feedback is how young kids learn what acceptable and what’s not. Kids do not magically know how they’re coming across to others...and they need to. It’s actually pretty cruel to NOT tell them or try to teach them better.
Sure glad we have so many commenters ready to castigate an involved SM who wants to teach her skid appropriate behavior. Cool.
To clarify, I don't have
To clarify, I don't have children of my own yet, just two SDs. The older one is in school during the day. The 4 year old is not, but will go to a half day pre-K next fall. I stay at home with SD4 on days when SO has the kids and work on the other days - my choice. SO and BM have had 50/50 custody since they separated, which was well before I was in the picture. SO told BM right from the beginning that the only thing he cared about in the divorce was keeping his kids, so this is definitely not a case of a man requesting 50/50 so he could avoid CS and dump the kids on a future wife or girlfriend. Also, he finishes work at 3, so he does have a good amount of time with his kids before bedtime.
I really don’t think you have
I really don’t think you have to clarify or justify your life choices to a bunch of keyboard warriors who didn’t even answer your question.
You’re doing great...and this has been one of the more ridiculous “tar and feather” sessions I’ve seen on this site.
Agreed. OP shouldn’t be home
Agreed. OP shouldn’t be home with skids because she’s “not their mother”, but being in daycare (I feel the need to point out that a babysitter or daycare is also NOT THEIR MOTHER) is somehow the answer. Interesting.
Again, I’m all for skids not being dumped on a SM who doesn’t want to care for them, but OP does want to, and I dare anyone in here to be with a temper-tantrum-throwing 4yr old and not think in your head that they’re a brat. But if you write it on a Step-parent venting site? *clutches pearls*
Kids that age
like to help but it needs to be done in a fun way and not as "contributing to the household." My grandson (4) and nephew (5) love to help. They can sweep, wipe the table, sponge the walls, mop (this is a big favorite) plus clean up after themselves. Oh and laundry....they both love laundry and helping me "cook." My nephew actually makes some mean crockpot dishes with a lot of help of course.
I never did chores at that age as a requirement or a household contribution for my kids. The only expectation was cleaning up toys and taking clothes to the hamper. Everything else was a teaching and fun experience and I waited for them to ask. I do the same with the other littles in my life now.
Why do you think chores
Why do you think chores equate to better behavior? If anything making her do chores and enforcing them or even double them when she is in trouble will only make her loathe helping around the house in general as she gets older. A bratty four year old is a result of the parenting she recieves...she is with yall and bm 50:50 so do what you can on your time. Get a behavior chart and encourage her to try to get the best each day. Have a routine that stays exactly the same everyday. Consistency is key for toddlers. Make sure the kid is recieving enough sleep. Half the time kids are bratty its because they are tired but cant identify that emotion yet. Admitting to being tired is also a battle youll have to face during preschool/kindergarten anyway so go ahead and ge her in the habit of it. Figure out what her currency is (what motivates he) and use that. My SS was motivated by attention at that age so I would give him positive attention when he helped around the house or picked up after himself without me having to remind him to do so. Currently with my 3 yr old he is NOT motivated by positive attention but playing outside is big for him so if he wants to get outside to play then he has to help me out.
I don't necessarily think
I don't necessarily think chores = better behavior. As I said in the original post, I was looking for some regular little tasks I could have her do that I could praise or reward when she did them. She likes helping, to be honest, and I'm sure she won't mind doing some chores. I want to positively reinforce something since I've been having to discipline for some bad behavior lately. Also, if she's sorting laundry with me, she won't be drawing on her furniture (one of her recent transgressions). And lest anyone think that I'm the evil stepmom, by discipline I don't mean I'm beating her or locking her in the dungeon. Some things I verbally correct, for some things she loses her tablet, if she pitches a tantrum at the store I might cancel a planned outing for later that day - all pretty immediate things that I hope will help correct the behavior.