Can't let go of the weekend
I'm new here and need some advice/support. I know it is Wednesday but I can't seem to put the weekend behind me. SS16 was here and was his usual destructive and disrespectful self. I am a mom to dd26, ds24 and ds8. My two oldest are married/engaged and live on their own. There are 3 skids: ss18, ss17 and sd14. SD never comes here as she is mad at DH for marrying me nearly 6 yrs ago. SS18 is being stubborn and refusing to apologize for his rude, disrespectful behavior and was told by DH that until he apologizes, he could stay away. I've been living a roller coaster life for the past 6 years. His kids, the BM, and the drama. Oh, God! The drama is never-ending. The last straw came for me Easter weekend. SS16 woke up and came in the kitchen asking what we had for b'fast. I told him we had eaten and I wasn't cooking for him or his brother as they refuse to thank me and ignore my presence. He found DH and told him I was being a "butthole." You betcha skippy! I had a belly-full of their disrespectful crap. DH backed me up and the condensed version is SS16 apologized and SS18 said I was being "stupid" and refused. SS18 told DH, "you are supposed to love your kids unconditionally", i.e. "I should be able to treat everyone like crap and get away with it." It should be over, right? I stood my ground, DH backed me up, SS16 apologized...then this past weekend. SS16 comes over, never says a word to me until DH had a private talk with him, breaks the pool skimmer, knocks a hole in the side of the hottub, and doesn't bathe the entire weekend. In the past I would tolerate EOW and go on. Now I get that feeling of dread 3 days before and keep it (apparently) for 3 days (at least) after they leave. DH and I have talked (and talked, and talked...) 'til I am sick of it. He is embarassed by his kids behavior yet he defends it (BM doesn't teach manners or command respect). Not my fault! I don't have these issues with my ex. His gf and I get along well. She even tells me all the time what an excellent job I've done in raising ds8. All this to ask, why the hell does it take me longer and longer to get over the weekends?
I think you lose all patience
I think you lose all patience and you become more sensitive to the bad behavior, I used to dread sd6 coming to stay, she was 4 when I moved in, how a little 4 could upset me so much I could'nt believe it, she spat at me, tripped me up, hit me in the face, fdh seemed powerless to do anything, the stress and misery I got from one 4 yr, its a wonder you are still sane, at least your husband has banned your ss from staying until he can moderate his behaviour, I guess that he loves his kids but still sees how horrible they are to you, that must be stressful for him too, he is propably trying to make everyone happy but not succeeding, I suspect that part of ss's behavior is that he is a typical teenager, plus he hasn't been brought up properly, at the end of the day I get to the point when I think, I don't give a shit, you will not treat me this way, what would happen if ss treated someone else this way I wonder?
I do lose all patience. I get
I do lose all patience. I get physically ill when they are around. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't give a shit yet I am still in knots. I know they are almost grown and the EOWs will come to an end. If ss treated someone else this poorly he would have a knot snatched in his ass. As the evil sm's, it seems skids get a free pass at shitty behavior.
I remember feeling physically
I remember feeling physically ill, well it would be impossible to not give a shit, its to extreme for that, I think it is perfectly reasonable to say to your husband that until they both dedice to respect me more, I cannot be in the same house as them, if there is anything I have learnt in life its not to waste time, to spend your life like this is such a waste, don't look back and think, my god why did I put up with that.
Leave for the weekend. Visit
Leave for the weekend. Visit a girlfriend or go to a espensive spa or anything inbetween. After a few womanless weekends both husband and brats may have more respect for what you have done in the past.
If you do return to being there over the weekend you do zero for the boys and don't raise a finger to repair or clean up any mess they make. I mean not one piece of bread in the toaster even if bread and toaster are right in front of you. They and Dad figure out what to eat and can include you or not in their plans. Let them feed you or if they don't prepare a meal at odd hours for yourself. Dinner at 3 and a 9 PM "snack" of whatever is good.
Make a list of what needs to be done (pee on toilet lid) and hand it to husband after they've left. You are no longer maid or mom. Let him deal with it.
I have tried to disengage
I have tried to disengage completely. I have left for the weekend. I no longer ask about them and conversations are one-sided. When dh brings them up, I let him say what he has to say and change the subject. I don't understand why any parent would not be concerned with disrespectful behavior. I wouldn't put up with it from any of my kids.
I like the list idea! I feel like the f'ing maid and that would help.