DH on the verge of losing SS18... Not sure what to do.
So SS18 has decided he won't come over for visitation with his other siblings this weekend (it's DH's weekend). This is because we grounded SS18 (and my DD18) after they threw a party at our house while we were away. SS18 said he was sorry, actually seemed sorry, but now this. BM of course doesn't support the grounding since she doesn't think SS18 should be punished for anything, ever.
Also, this week it FINALLY became apparent to SS18 and BM that the fancy private college BM promised SS18 he could go to wasn't going to happen. BM has no money (literally, she just declared bankruptcy), and DH can only cough up half a state school tuition. We've been telling SS18 all along that private college was out of reach but he insisted on applying early to this private school (at BM's behest). The financial aid offer wasn't enough to make up the difference.
Now he's so crushed he won't be attending this college he "needs" to go out with his friends this weekend. Since we've grounded him that leaves just one option... Stay at BM's. He's also refusing to apply to other colleges.
He also told DH it was DH's fault he wouldn't be going to the private college. :jawdrop:
DH is weighing options. He could stop paying for SS18's private high school. Or tell him we aren't paying for college. Or tell him he isn't allowed back to our house for a few months. But all this is playing right into BM's PAS. She would like nothing better than to sever the relationship between DH and SS18. On the other hand, I don't think SS18 should be able to escape discipline just because BM is a POS.
Thoughts please!
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DHs love for the boy is
DHs love for the boy is unconditional. BMs love is conditional.
SS will eventually come around and visit again. And 18 is a little old to be told "You have to go to your Dads this weekend." allow him to have the adult status he wants and craves. When the boychild goes on about not getting into the private college just have DH remind him he has 2 parents and not everyone gets the school of their dreams. Maybe he can do a few years in community college, get a part time job and when he has saved half the tuition for the final 2 years of his degree DH will front up with the rest. Keep BM totally out of the deal. Let SS live with her. That will get old pretty quickly.
And DH can tell his son that if he wants to continue to go to the private school he loves he can spend 6 hours a week with his father or Dad will just stop paying. Why should DH pay for a school for a child who has nothing to do with him?
I don't think PAS will occur at this late stage. I have never heard of an 18 yr old who suddenly succumbs to PAS. But it will be difficult for a few years. BTDT.
It's not so much that I think
It's not so much that I think PAS can start at age 18, but BMs been at it for awhile. sS18 has been getting more distant for years.
Ok so while I agree you can't force an 18 year old to visit, what do you do when they throw a huge party at your house? We settled on grounding and changing alarm codes, but obviously SS18 is refusing to be grounded.
There has to be a consequence. Maybe he just doesn't come back to our house for awhile.
I'm Fine with letting him go
I'm Fine with letting him go but he had a huge underage party at our house. there's got to be a consequence as all the younger siblings are watching. This kid can't just get away with it.
Maybe he just isn't allowed to come over for a few months. We're kind of getting done with him ourselves.
Well he sure as heck isn't
Well he sure as heck isn't moving in with us next year when he doesn't get into college. At this rate he won't be going so He can live at BMs, work, and be her mini husband.
I think you can sit the other
I think you can sit the other kids down and point out that SSs 'grounding' is for xx hours and holds for as long as it takes for the grounding to run it's course.
Then tell the younger ones that SS is hiding away from his punishment because it is easier for him to do this. Which makes him less of a man and more of a little boy hiding behind his mother. It would be far easier for him to come over and sit out the punishment but he is dragging this out. Sometimes you have to be the grown up and face your punishment.
It is difficult to ground an adult like him. But you can make it clear you have no trust in him and his behaviour is disappointing. Not that it will mean anything. And yes, he will do the same dumb thing at BMs because he has that reputation now as the kid who can hold parties for teens. And yes, he will spend time away from his father. But he will find out that the real world will chew him up and spit him out without a thought. Then Mommys little spechul snowflake will realise that his Dad isn't so bad after all. BTDT with my daughter and both SSons. It takes time but it will sort itself out in the end. It may take a court appearance or 2 but it will pull his head out of his arse eventually.
I like this idea. SS18 wants
I like this idea. SS18 wants to be a man now. Well, it isn't very "manly" to hide behind your mother's apron. I agree, his grounding at our house should just be extended by however long he skirts it a BM's.
I 'get' you're upset the
I 'get' you're upset the little turd is managing to get out of being grounded. Yes, frustrating as heck that he's pulling the 'I am not coming to your house *nana nana boo boo*'
I can though this s where DH needs to stop treating him like a kid then. SS doesn't want to follow rules. He doesn't want to be treated as if he's not a adult and grounded for misbehavior. Ok, Big Boy, than now it's time to be an adult (woo-hoo, the big 18)but that means acting like one. SS wants to private fancy school? Sure, no problem. He can have that as soon as he gets a job applies for student loans and can afford it all on his own. After all, that's what adults do in the real world. They don't say f-u to Dad and then whine when Dad stands back and let's you be the big boy you think you are.
Oh, and by the way, as SS is suddenly all grown up with no need to come face his punish for throwing parties in his father's home, he can just stay over there with BM. He isn't allowed in your home again until and/or if he arrives on your doorstep with an sincere apology to you and his father for abusing your home and stomping his little foot in defiance.
He wants to be the big man, let him be. He'll figure out soon enough he's actions have gotten him in over his head. He's been acting the entitled fool, now he can face reality.
I wish that were so.
I wish that were so. Unfortunately we're court ordered to pay for private school until graduation (CS in our state stops at high school grad). DH sometimes threatens to stop paying but really we'd just end up in court and lose.
We aren't ordered to pay for college, or anything after HS graduation for that matter. So that's an avenue.
I just feel badly for DH in all of this. He's really hurting.
There are many ways students
There are many ways students can pay for a college education without parents going deeply into debt. Scholarships, grants, loans, work-study. The military is a great way to get a free/reduced college degree. SS18 immediately should look into all of these. He needs to talk with his high school counselor. If DH can come up with 1/2 of the costs, SS18 can come up with the other 1/2. Millions of kids do it. Good luck.
Hmm ok. This is one of the
Hmm ok. This is one of the reasons I come on this board. It seems the consensus is SS18 is too old to be grounded. It's funny because most of his friends who were at the party are now grounded by their parents, but then they aren't children of divorce so their parents are able to provide a unified front. We've got zero cooperation from BM so yeah I guess SS can do what he wants. I mean, the proof is in the pudding. We obviously can't ground him.
That being said, Im so tired of this kid. He's entitled, he's disobedient, he takes our credit card and orders shit without asking, and now he throws a big party in our house. And refuses to apply to any colleges now. I guess this isn't my battle to fight. Its DHs, but it sure does burn me up.
Yeah ladyFace, that's what I
Yeah ladyFace, that's what I thought. Adult is as adult does. SS18 is the least "adult" 18 year old I know. He has no job, doesn't work hard in school, and expects he should have the best of everything.
But as BM refuses to cooperate we really can't ground him. I like the idea of banning him from our house for awhile. Let him throw his parties at BM instead. Let her pay for his gas and his food and whatever.