I felt some of that before I had my son. But most of my feelings centered around the fact that I had zero bio children when I entered our marraige. Logically, you know that having a child with him won't magically solidify your bond, right? If kids made couples closer, none of us would be here. You would still be with your children's father, right? You are pining for something that doesn't reside in reality. Babies make everything harder. Everything. 

Emotionally, I get it. But it isnt healthy to dwell on that past and what you think you're missing. Think of all the great firsts YOU will get to experience now and for the next 50 years. First grandbaby, first retirement trip, first empty nest weekend. You are his future, which is full of possibilities and firsts. You both have pasts that can't be changed. His past has no future because he started anew with YOU. 

I felt this way as well and occasionally still sometimes do. I feel like bm stole so much time from us(10 year court battle) and then once we got the kids it was chaos to the point of me saying "no way in heck I would have more kids". I think my feelings are based more in anger, kind of feel like ive been robbed and now it's too late in life to have kids with dh. Plus he also had a vasectomy so that he wouldn't have any more with bm since she's so cray cray!

In the beginning, and still at times, I feel a sadness for all the years we missed out on, and couldn't help but wonder, 'What if WE had met first and these were our kids?" Then I remember how utterly stressful (though I loved/love MY kids) it was to raise kids, pay bills, work full-time and all that comes with it.

I love the fact that she got the boy, but I got the man. Just like I was a struggling wife with my first husband, building his career etc. Now, all we mostly have to focus on is US. We can go out to eat and not worry about a sitter, we can have spontaneous intimacy without worrying about the kids hearing us, we can plan a trip with just the two of us, and so much more.

My husband and I knew when we met that we did not want more kids, and sometimes I have seen friends make the mistake of thinking "A child will bond us together" and they have kids together, only to get divorced over the first set of kids and the stresses of the ex. I'm not saying that is the case with everyone, but it does happen.

So, in a nutshell, especially since my husband is older than I am, I feel an incredible sense of sadness when I think of the years we missed and that we took so long to meet and become great friends, then marry. When I feel like that, I try to think of what I posted above, about all the stresses involved with raising kids and establishing a career. There's no future in the past. I have decided all we have is the here and now, and I choose to take the gifts of the hour. I hope you will too.

DH and I have 4 kids from our previous marriages ranging from 18-11. While I have no real desire to start over again, sometime yes, I get that pang that says... wow, you are such a great dad. I love to have carried your children. I would have loved to have met you earlier in life. We would have made the cutest freaking kids! 

I think what you are feeling is totally natural- the baby bug is a mean little bugger!! 

Nope, I have never felt that way.  Sure, would I have preferred if DW and I had had SS-26 together? Yes I would.  However, I would not change what we have.  At any point past early childhood when we are mostly a product of our parent's parenting, we are the products of our experiences.

If either I or DW had a different past we would be very different people and in a very different marriage than the one we have.  While I am sure we would have found a life together it would not be the one that we have had over the 25 years we have been together.  I would not want her any other way than she is.  She is amazing.

I am fortunate.

So, don't lament what you are lamenting. Think of what you and DH have together and the life you will live going forward. 

I am sure this is about being a mother which is something I have zero experience in or inkling of understanding about.  I like kids. I always have. But I have never had an overwhelming urge to create any, as in actually create them even with my bride, practic is awesome though. 

Regardless, I would refer you to my above thoughts.  Do not lament what you don't have. Embrace what you do have. You have had children, he has had children.  That you may not have any together doesn't change that you are both parents and that you have each other.

Good luck.  Take care of you.

Yes, I absolutely can relate and it makes me sad and does bother me fairly often. 

DH actually has a successful vasectomy reversal (we have lots of swimmers), and have been trying.... hasn’t worked yet though, and the thought of not does really bother me at times. The reversal was whaf he wanted... at first I was actually pretty ok with not having anymore. But now it feels like we MUST have one, and the pressure and desire is even greater. I’m actually not sure why it hasn’t happened yet but I am 35 and doctor said that it could take up to a year... amd we have only been trying for a couple months.

Them having that connection does weird me out a bit though... and I’m trying to learn to accept it- but at times I know it gets under my skin too. You are not alone in how you feel. Xo

I sure can relate. Only I've never had kids of my own and I'm 34, in a failing relationship with a man with a child who doesn't know if he wants more kids. He spends sooooooo much time and energy on his ex just over one child. There's so much of me that wishes I had the experience of pregnancy, birth, and the positive aspects of having a partner during that time. For you, I would think about your own experience with your ex and you having your kids with him. If it reminds you about why you're happy you left, it might reassure you he's surely happy he left and is now with you too.