BS not important?
Anything BS2 does, FH always manages to bring FSS8 into it.
Ex: Me:"Look what BS made today!" I show him object. FH: "Cool! I remember when FSS made something similar... blah blah blah"
Or, if we take BS places like a movie, it's "Aw, FSS would have liked this", or BS picks out a new fedora at the store (He loves hats) it's "Oh, FSS would have picked the same thing!"
It's always "FSS used to do that/ like that/ I remember when". I Could give a million more examples.
I try very hard not to be annoyed, because I know FSS is his son and he's proud of him... but it bothers me.
I'm not sure I can really explain why... it just does.
FH does get exited about/for BS2 and of course brags on him, but he always brings up FSS after.
Another thing, FH and his family always push FSS old things on me and BS2. **FH Visitation with FSS has been EOW almost his entire life so he has a walk in closet BURSTING with toys that were played with once or twice then broken and boxes of COSTUMES and clothing that he outgrew and most articles worn once because hes grown a size visit. (FSS still demands to go places dressed up in costume...it's embarrassing)**
It's not that I'm not grateful, I am, but the clothes are way out of date and NOT the type of clothing I would choose, nor would BS or FH really (MIL and SIL did the picking out FSS before I came along). I don't like to dress my son like a baby with riffles and baby lions on the front. FH understands and says he agrees, but gets visibly upset when I sit down and go through the boxes and decide what goes to goodwill/candlelighters and what BS can wear. Especially when I opt to send the costumes out. I believe after age 5 costumes are for HALLOWEEN or special occasion costumed events. (Mind you I ALWAYS get permission from FH before donating items as he is EXTREMELY sentimental and has a story for every item.)
And the toys... UGH. Theres a box full of various Happy meal toys. (who keeps those after kids forget about them) 5 Types of leggos, Broken Instruments, baby dolls, Noisy Robots, Some are missing parts or worn from being thrown around.
For Christmases and Birthdays things are re-gifted to BS from MIL/FIL/SIL. Some are great, some okay, but I give them a good scrubbing with bleach and lysol before BS gets anywhere near them.
I can't even explain how this makes me feel. I know They mean well and the items didn't get the use out of them that they could have, most are in good condition... but they're not HIS. they weren't originally intended for HIM. I will say BS was given FSS old train table along with two buckets full of thomas track and trains. I gave it a good coat of paint, and he LOVES it, plays with them all the time and builds his own tracks and "houses" for the trains. But other than that, he's not interested in many of the toys he's given from them.
IL's do this thing at Christmas where we watch every person open EVERY gift and are expected to ooh and ahh. (I wasn't raised this way, I had such a big family, we just ripped in and gave hugs and kisses and thank you's after) Not only is this awkward for me, as I'm not one for being the center of attention, but it gives FSS the chance when BS opens gifts to say "HEY, THAT'S MINE!" and other things of the sort.
Is it stupid that I don't like taking the old items? Or that I get annoyed when FH brings up FSS?
This would irritate me - and
This would irritate me - and luckily there isn't much that is SS's that if we ever had a child he would get rather than big ticket items.
I can see passing them down but using them as a gift just seems kind of ridiculous to me.
You have every right to be upset.
Nope, not at all. I know
Nope, not at all. I know exactly how you feel. Try being pregnant with your first child and having DH bring up his ex wife's pregnancies! :sick:
Being the second wife sucks sometimes.
MY FH did this too!! I Know
MY FH did this too!! I Know exactly how you feel. I'm so sorry. After a couple times I told my FH the pregnancy was MINE and I didn't want to hear about the weird things she did to "ease the process".
I did however enjoy hearing that I handled myself a million times better than she did during the delivery. Later he also said something along the lines of "at least you didn't take on the crazies she did when she was pregnant" I responded with "Oh! So she's been pregnant for the last 7 years!!"
Yuck!!! never mind being
:jawdrop: Yuck!!! never mind being practical, that is just wrong!
I think I understand how you
I think I understand how you feel...we're planning to have a baby too. While I'm pretty practical when it comes to hand me downs, I don't like re-gifting either, I think it's tacky especially done during xmas. Worse when the child who used to own those toys is there watching because that causes resentment i think in your FSS.
IMHO...It would be better for your and your FH to sit down with FSS and go through his toys and see what FSS wants to give to BS and to goodwill. And if the toys given to BS are not interesting to him, send those to goodwill too.
Oh yes, I always allow FSS to
Oh yes, I always allow FSS to go through this toys first. With some help he decides what he wants to keep to play with, what he wants to take home and what he has no opinion of either way. If not it would be WW3.
While I appreciate
While I appreciate hand-me-downs, the thought of them being regifted, in front of the child they are coming from nontheless, as quite tacky. This can especially cause a problem if the previous owner is not aware of the fact thay they are being given to the younger child. It sounds like you're handling it well, keep what will be used and donate the rest. Explain to your husband that you would rather they go to a child who needs them and will love them than have them take up space in your child's closet, unused and unloved.
This is exactly why I
This is exactly why I donate/give away SD's old clothes/toys as soon as she has outgrown them.
I plan on having kids one day & I am not dealing with the "oh give her ________ that I gave SD" or any of that crap.
BM has all of SD's big ticket items crib play pins etc etc & I'm sure she's given them away because she lives in a small apartment, but if she ever thought she would offer me any of her hand me downs she would get a very polite "no thank you."
This will be my first child & my parents first grandkid - though - so I'm pretty sure we will have all we need & more.
I think every family is
I think every family is different and therefore has different customs. When I was growing up, at family gatherings, each person took their turn opening gifts. We sometimes got hand-me-downs. If the gifts/hand-me-downs were things we didn't like or fit into, off they went to Salvation Army.
"Anything BS2 does, FH always manages to bring FSS8 into it.
Ex: Me:"Look what BS made today!" I show him object. FH: "Cool! I remember when FSS made something similar... blah blah blah"
Or, if we take BS places like a movie, it's "Aw, FSS would have liked this", or BS picks out a new fedora at the store (He loves hats) it's "Oh, FSS would have picked the same thing!"
It's always "FSS used to do that/ like that/ I remember when". I Could give a million more examples." I don't think you're wrong for feeling the way you do. I do think it is his way of staying close/maintaining a connection with his son while his son is with BM. The best response is a kind "that's nice" and then to change to topic at the right time.
To me, it seems like the ILs are trying to show kindness and don't want to just throw things out. TBH I think just take what they give you and take what you don't like to Salvation Army. About what FH says, I'm sure it is irritating, but don't think it's worth saying something about, or getting into a dispute over.
It can be difficult for
It can be difficult for subsequent children not born of BM's golden uterus to get the priority and the childhood that they should have from the common parent and from the GPs they share with the SKid. For some reason all of these people seem to be driven by guilt to overcompensate for the Skids status of having a broken home.
I would take a pragmantic approach. Keep the nice stuff. When BS gets regifted crap take it straight to the thrift store and donate it for the tax write off for charitable giving. Then take your tax return and get the stuff you want for your son. Get the leftover hand me down crap out of your house and get something for it.
IMHO of course.
I like this idea too.
I like this idea too.
keep what you want, get rid
keep what you want, get rid of what you don't. i'm enough of a bitch to flat tell my dh "i'm not putting my child in THAT!". he seems to think the sun rises in his 1st child's eyes. it's guilt, i'm sure, but he's going to have to get over it. he's divorced, that first family is NO MORE, as if it never was and you and he have a NEW family now and he is in the very center of it. I would quickly change the subject like an above poster said the minute he starts in about FSS..."that's nice hon, how bout those bengals?" EVERY time he does it. I would also be very vocal to my dh about how tacky the re-gifting thing is "I hope they don't do this when bs is older and realizes what's going on!". your dh is starting on the path of putting FSS at the head of the pack, and your bs will notice that his brother can do no wrong as he ages. you sound very nice, but if this continues you will grow more and more resentful. i'd tell my dh if you don't stop with all the sentimental bs, i'm going to start thinking that you're regretting your divorce! ahhhh.....I was nice once upon a time, too.
Yeah, what cocoa said. My DH
Yeah, what cocoa said. My DH used to do the same crap, until I put a stop to it.
My feelings are along the
My feelings are along the lines of Cocoa. He's an EOWE parent, which makes him feel too guilty to be able to experience these firsts with his new child, without being preoccupied with your SS. I doubt it's a conscience response. He's not purposely trying to diminish the specialness of these moments. Now being able to part with a collection of happy meal toys was a red flag to me he's not going to be rational if you try to explain how this is making you feel. He's stuck in guilt parenting mode. I wish I had a suggestion on how to get through to him, but this may just be one of the many issues you will have to learn to just ignore.
As BS gets older, it won't be
As BS gets older, it won't be good to be constantly compared to FSS. BS needs some of his own firsts, his own things, his own identity outside of the shadow of the older boy. That might be a conversation to have on a calm evening. Your FDH sounds like a sentimental guy missing his son, and wow does that describe my DH.
I have had to tell my DH that I'd like to have one conversation without bringing up any of our kids (they're all adults, so it's different from the little guys you have). DH just didn't realize he was so stuck in the past about his "babies." Gag.