Boundaries
How do you get your SO to understand how it feels for you to have them be in frequent communication with their ex? They have two kids (8 and 10), she’s HC, substance abuse issues. I told him that I’m not okay with the lack of transparency in regards to his relationship with her. That I want to know when they fight or if they see each other, I want to be informed before it happens. If she goes to an event or practice or whatever, I want to be told beforehand. He just keeps repeating how if the roles were reversed, he’d understand that I would need to be in contact with my ex and blah blah but I REALLY don’t think he gets it even A LITTLE. I try to explain to him that while maybe to him she’s just his kids mom but to me she is ALSO his ex wife and that makes me uncomfortable knowing that he’d have communication with her or see her without me knowing, even if it is at practice. I just feel like he keeps saying he understands how I feel but he has no damn clue and I don’t know how to make him realize that. I wish for just one day he could feel what I feel. I even feel like he’d see her without telling me and honestly to me that feels so deceptive and like he’d be lying to me. He says that I get upset if he brings her up (not in the moment that he talks about it but after which he isn’t totally wrong because the things that he tells me, I do think about and see things that bother me- they went to therapy for her substance abuse issues and he was telling me about a session and said that the therapist told them that this isn’t marriage counseling in when they were in a session and I got upset that the therapist would even need to tell them that). But I told him that trust is built upon uncomfortable truths and I’m tired of having to feel like I have to ask the right question at the right time to get the truth. It makes me crazy
I don't think it's
I don't think it's necessarily reasonable for him to be able to predict where she may be every time.
I think you need to assume that she could be present at every game, practice.. school event. She will also be present at kid pickups.
I would expect him to let you know about OTHER instances of needing to see her in person.. but, I'm assuming they would have occasional text or phone calls.. from time to time over things that impact the kids.. he won't always know those are happening beforehand.
But.. the bottom line is that you really seem to not trust him..
Are you concerned he will use drugs or have relations with his EX?
Fortunately for us, visitation was COd as long distance as DW
had left for University out of state with SS when he was about 14mos old.
So there was zero need to interface with the SpermClan other than to arrange visitation travel.
Of course the shallow and polluted end of SS's gene pool did not see it that way and SpermGrandHag made it her goal to control DW and PAS SS against his mom. Not the most intelligent persepective considering the SpermClan only had 7wks of visitation a year. (5Wks Summer, 1Wk Winter, 1Wk Spring) If the bothered to take it.
She failed, because DW and I partnered to raise SS in a quality home and family and to keep the SpermClan in their place. SS-31 is a good man, a viable adult, a person of character and honor,
IMHO far too many people tolerate toxic from the blended family opposition rather then keeping a large boot up their toxic asses.
Of course no one wins every event, but the toxic opposition should know that their crap will never be tolerated and if they step out of line it will be game on. And... they will suffer.
Live well, raise kids with standards in a quality home and quality family, and tolerate nothing but reasonable behavior from the SKids and the other half of their blended family. IMHO this is the only way to counter toxicity from the blended family opposition.
I get why people stay in
I get why people stay in situations that aren't ideal. And i get where you are coming from about the ex. It's true that your SO will have to communicate with his ex some. But - it sounds like this situation doesn't pass the smell test. A big part may be that your SO and his ex go to counseling together. That isn't normal for exes, even when one has a substance abuse problem. There are probably other things about the situation that aren't normal, too. Him saying things like he would understand if the roles were reversed, or you don't understand because you don't have kids is straight up gaslighting, though. He can't say what he would or would not be ok with if he's never experienced these things. Well, he can't say them without it being bullshite. One thing to think about - you said you are 33 and want kids, but now he's using BM and the skid(s) as an excuse to delay. You are on a time limit, though. Please keep that in mind when deciding to stay or go.
I may be jaded
Now, Iv been in my relationship 12 years. I was 35 entering a situation and no kids of my own. Now 47.. Never had any of my own. SD and I are not speaking .. SS is great and good relationship. But the amount of sacrifices Iv made are unmeasurable. I'm not sure I'd do it again. I definitely wouldn't support them in counseling together unless with their kids for their kids. Beyond that he owes her nothing. But if he continues to live in guilt it's gonna get worse. Kids will catch on.. they will use it.. BM will use it and your gonna pay the price. Make sure it's worth what will happen. Start therapy together sooner then later if so.. keep from becoming a people pleaser. Expect respect. In fact demand it. And you can set boundaries. Unfortunately them seeing eachother at practice and small talk shouldn't be a big deal and encouraged for sake of kids. However any conversation not about the kids shouldn't exist. If that is something he needs then you don't need him. Believe me, it gets much harder. You will often feel like the odd man out. You will feel like BM dictates your life. Mines used to walk in our house without knocking.. literally had no boundaries. I showed her more grace then I ever should have and moused down to being a placemat. This resulted in a SD that did some pretty shitty stuff after years of me doing so much for her. Now I regret all I did do.
I might be jaded.
I went back and re-read your
I went back and re-read your old posts.. and this one.
Bluntly.. this is not a healthy relationship for you. He is not a good partner. He is not an available partner. He is stringing you along with false pomises.. gaslighting you when you start to get restless.
You... also appear to be a naturally insecure person.. has it always been this way? or just with him? You need to get some counseling so you will understand why you stay for so little return from this dude.
Love (or what you think is love).. is not enough.. not enough when it is one sided when you are doing all the giving in.. all the support.. and gettting nothing in return.. you get a man still in a relationship with his EX.
Don't get me wrong.. yes.. parents need to communicate with each other when they have minor children.. your BF is in an actual relationship ... he is basically going to marriage counseling with his EX under the guise of "substance abuse" counseling... I would also say that addicts tend to flock together.. he likely has some of the same problems she does anyway.
dump this loser.. you can and need to do better.. if you stay.. you won't have a child of your own.. and will constantly be 2nd in his heart to that EX. This is not uplifting and hopeful advice.. this is cautionary advice.. and I think you need to heed it.
He is not understanding what divorce
And a new relationship is. He can't have it the way he wants it. Other people will not stand for this. He must decide wher his loyalty in life is to . His relationship with his kids must change that what divorce does. You can not stop the EX attending kid events. But he must not talk to her. Talking to her the conversation goes all over the place. He must show you respect. In staying away from the ex.
Actuall they should be texting so there a physical record of everything.. change of time a exter day for. He doesn't get it. He not ready and may never be ready for a new relationship. You don't want to be in a three way .
he owns you. His undivided attention. His total love. Not kissing up to the ex. He wasn't friends with the ex. They were lovers. And will a,ways be lovers.
I think you should assume the
I think you should assume the ex will be there everytime. Oh the joys of being a step parent. I feel your pain. Hugs *pardon*