BM's PASing isn't working with SD3, but...
So last week I posted about BM trying to PAS SD by telling her our (FDH&I) home is not her home, and encouraging SD yo call FDH by his first name rather than Dad, and pushing SD to call BM's BF Dad....
Well yesterday BM dropped SD off an hour and a half early, unannounced (no text no call... Nothing). Thank god FDH got off work early for our counseling, which was canceled.
BM texted FDH when she was in our driveway asking if he was home, when he answered yes she said 'I'm dropping SD off right now.' 15 seconds later FDH stepped outside and SD camein. A pleasant surprise for me, I had been napping with my DDs.
When FDH stepped back into the house I could tell he was upset, when I asked him what the problem was he said that BMjust told him tthat she needed an early 'break' from SD because she was such a nasty child... I guess prior to BM dropping SD off SD had just finished throwing a tantrum and was hitting BM and telling her that she hated her, and everybody. BM spanked her and put SD in her room. FDH asked SD why she wasn't good for BM and SD told him it was cause BM wouldn't get her juice. (Typical 3yo reason for a tantrum)
But that's not what bothers me... Last night while I was helping SD and DD take a bath SD was playing with some bath toys, one big duck was the 'mommy' and the little duck was the 'kid'. Well she was pretending like the 'mommy' was drowning in the tub, I asked her if the 'kid' was going to save the 'mommy' and she said 'No, the kid's not gonna save the mommy, because she Hates the mommy.'
I told SD that Hate is a bad word when she's home, and I don't want to hear it again.
I guess my question is, did I handle the situation correctly? How would you have handled it? What can I do to make her stop saying these things to her dolls and things? Its not just hate, but she has begun to spank dolls, and throw them and tell them she doesn't love them... Could these be red flags, or am I looking into it too much?
Goodness!!! It is really
Goodness!!! It is really eerie how such adult behavior can spring out in children when they are still so young!!! I honestly don't know how I would have reacted in that situation.. probably just stared at her in shock. But I do think you handled it very gracefully. If she says things like that again, I would ask a few questions or either have DH ask, why the kid hates the mommy duck? See if there is a specific reason behind the anger or if she is just acting out. If she says anything alarming, maybe have DH sign her up for some therapy?
That is what we are working
That is what we are working towards. Obtaining Full custody. As of now FDH and BM have joint custody, it went from BM having SD 70% of the time a year ago to now 30-40% of the time. We are just trying to gather enough evidence against BM to bring her to court so that we know we will get custody.
FDH and I have talked about this a lot, especially in the past few months, as we see SD's words and actions becoming more violent, and unkind. Never towards people mainly just her toys. But it still bothers me that she would do/say some of the things she has been lately.
We have been documenting everything, from printing BM's texts to both myself and FDH, to pick ups and drop offs, to the things I find out of the ordinary that SD says and/or does, (there was one time i even called CPS because SD was crying one night, and she asked me to give her the meds that make her stop crying, CPS made me feel like an ass and told me that 3 year olds cant tell the difference between meds and a piece of cheese, needless to say i was super upset.) even pictures of rashes and unexplained bumps and bruises. ( I do understand that kids get scrapes and bumps, mainly pictures of bruises on her thighs, and head or face that BM doesn't give explanation for) we, mainly myself, have been documenting for the last two years, but I fear that it won't be good enough evidence to bring to a judge to get full custody.
We have just mainly been giving BM enough rope to hang herself. Because I know she's gotta slip one of these days, and when she does FDH and I will be there to pull the door out from under her. I just hope its soon, so SD doesn't have issues that we can't fix.
3 year olds mimic what they
3 year olds mimic what they see and hear... Maybe this is happening to the 3 year old,... Maybe BM was watching a TV show (not suited for a 3 year old) and the girl is copying that,... But these feelings don't come from nowhere,... something is happening to her-or she saw something.... Therapy? Yes!
Therapy. You can't control
Therapy. You can't control what happens at BM's house without a court order or concrete evidence of some kind of abuse/neglect; so if this behavior is not a result of things happening in your home, you need to at least get her into therapy.
I'mgoing to talk to FDH
I'mgoing to talk to FDH tonight after the girls are asleep about what SD has been saying llately (FDH worked until 11 last night and I was already asleep so we didn't discuss what SD had said) but iI do think something needs to happen.
I just want SD to happy 'normal' childhood. It makes me sad when she does or says these kinds of things. Cause I know that is out of the ordinary.
She has divorced (and what
She has divorced (and what sounds like high-conflict) parents. Her childhood won't be normal. You can do your best to provide the most stability, consistency, and normalcy that you can .. but you'll never be able to control what happens outside of your household as long as BM has any type of contact with her.
Sometimes acknowledging and accepting that it's not going to be "normal" for them is the best way to make it the best we can for the skids.
Yeah, I have been slowly
Yeah, I have been slowly coming to this realization. We (FDH&I)have started to parallel parent with SD. He got tired of BM trying to iin force her way of raising SD on him. So she has about as much say in how we do tthings as we do with her.
And you are right about trying to keep consistency and stabilitywith SD. I just have to wwork on accepting that as long as BM has say/contact with SD the chances of her having the 'normal' childhood FDH and I would love to give her will never happen. We just have to make sure she's happy and just gets to act her age while she's home with us.