BM/DH's Parents?
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This seems so odd to me I can't believe that anyone else would have delt with this, but I've been on the site long enough to know one of you probably has! DH and BM were married for 10 years. BM does, and always has picked up SD7 at DH's parents house. If SD7 goes for the weekend, instead of us going to his parents house to pick her up, BM calls them, drives 30 miles, stays and "chats" for a while, and then takes SD7 home. This is unbelievable to me. It seems like this would be super uncomfortable for everyone involved. I don't know how his parent feel, but DH thinks it's fine, and BM has never said no. Is this normal?
StayingCalm- Read my most
StayingCalm- Read my most recent blog - I'm going through what you're going through!!!!!
I think that sometimes
I think that sometimes grandparents will look past the relationship (or lack of) between BM and their son so that they can be assured of time with their grandchildren.
My DH's parents are super super great. And I pieced together the fact that they do NOT like BM, what she did to DH, how she raises the kids, and overall her personality. DH's dad even told me one time he told DH getting married to her was not a good idea.
However, they are very cordial with BM. Even to the point that BM and her new DH drop the kids off at grandparents' house and end up spending dinner with them (usually because SK says, "Gee Grandpa, my mom sure does like how you make chili (or nachos, or hamburgers, etc)" So for his grandkids, he sits thru dinner with her at the other side of the dining room table.
Do they LIKE doing that? According to them, no. They are second in line (only to me) wishing she'd just go away. But my SK's are their only biological grandchildren. They do what they have to do. I'm sure once the SK's become adults (soon!!) they will be able to cut those ties completely.
Do I like it? Eh, as long as it's not when I'm around I don't really care.
I guess the reason it seems
I guess the reason it seems odd to me is that I would expect those ties to be broken when the divorce took place. I never knew anyone or had anyone in my family that was divorced so all of these relationships are new to me. DH's parents don't really like me, they are nice, but it's only because they have to be. They encouraged DH not to marry me, to keep looking for someone a little more educated. (a community college is not "really" going to college according to them) They call me her name when we do go over to their house...Maybe I just need to grow up and let it go.
Ditto! I still talk to my
Ditto! I still talk to my "ex-sis in law" I love her as a person and just because she and my brother couldn't make it work doesn't mean we have to be enemies. Plus they don't even have kids!
OK but what would you do if
OK but what would you do if your brother gets remarried (or maybe he's already remarried or has a steady gf)? Although you love her as a person, would your relationship change with her out of respect for your brother and his new life? For instance, would you still remain as close? Hangout as often?
I'm going through a similar issue and my DH's family literally SHOWERS BM with love. They go on overnight trips, dinner dates, go to church together...
I just feel that once someone moves on, there has to be boundaries when dealing with the ex. Not saying you can't talk and be civil... But I feel like the close/chummy stuff should cease fire.
OP, I know exactly what you
OP, I know exactly what you mean. When my parents divorced, my Dad's family had nothing to do with my Mom and my Mom's family had nothing to do with my Dad. NOTHING. So when I got married and subsequently divorced from my first husband, when his mother continued to want a relationship with me, I balked. That was NOT how it was supposed to be in my head. They were supposed to deal with their son and that was that. It took me a little time to get used to but I'm actually still really close to my ex-MIL (ex-husband committed suicide about one year after the divorce, so it honestly our relationship might have fizzled out eventually but now I'm ALL she has).
DH's parents hate BM. FIL refuses to even speak to her. If he sees her, he walks off. My SIL's all want to beat her up. My MIL tolerated her for the sake of the kids (back when she had more of the reigns). BM was notorious for making vacation plans (both sets of their parents live in the same town about 4 hours away) so she'd just e-mail MIL and set up plans with her and we'd find out about it the week before it happened (which granted, was just as much MIL's fault). After BM sued us for full custody of the kids because she was mad about the medical insurance, MIL had enough nicey nicey and she went on the stand, said some pretty unflattering things about BM and now BM refuses to have anything to do with them. The one time since she had to pick up the kids at MIL's house, she wouldn't get out of the car.
I've actually even met BM's parents (her mother loves my BD, calls me when she comes to town so she can buy her ice cream, it weirds me the hell out). BM's parents divorced but they are best friends apparently so BM is under the impression that her and DH are supposed to be best friends (while she's screaming bloody murder at him for whatever the issue is that week). DH's parents hated each other after the divorce so he's not for it.
Just a comment on your post,
Just a comment on your post, about meeting BM's parents.... I met BM's parents also, about a year ago at one of SK's out of town sporting events. They were REALLY NICE people (I'm thinking BM MUST have been adopted or something because she is NOTHING like her parents). Both of them were very talkative and pleasant with DH and I, and in between SK's games invited us to go to dinner with them (they did NOT invite BM -- how uncomfortable was that??!!??). We had great dinner conversation, and it was an overall great evening.
Weird, I know. But like I said, neither of them are ANYTHING like BM. They're actually social, conversant, and understand the art of conversation where every sentence doesn't have to start out with ME or I.
LOL. The very first time I
LOL. The very first time I met BM's parents was at DH's grandmother's funeral. They both showed up and apparently BM's BM asked to meet me. I went over because I had no idea who they were and I thought BM's BM was going to gouge my eyes out. She squeezed my hand so hard I heard my bones pop. BM left DH for another man and I didn't come into the picture until a year or so later so she had no reason to hate me. I can only assume BM was talking smack.
After that initial meeting I didn't see them for a few years. It's just been recently she calls me directly if she's in town to see if BD wants something. It just weirds me out. LOL.
Be careful who you bring into
Be careful who you bring into the family. It may just require your vote to bring them in, but EVERYONE gets a vote as to whether or not to ever kick them out.
My brother dated the same girl for years. Nice girl. Way too good for my brother, in fact. At one point, he moved to my state from several states away and they lived in a house on my property, right next to my house. I warned him when he moved up here and wanted to bring her that if we hit it off and became friends, and something happened, he shouldn't expect me to "break up" with her, too. Especially because it's usually him being a dick.
Well, she and I became super close, they moved back to their home state, and a year or so later she finally wised up and they broke up. He was mad at me for the longest time for still being friends with her. I don't care. And they don't have any kids together. I just see her because I like her. He's since calmed down about it. I'll be the first to tell you that his "don't be friends with my ex" attitude really makes me leery of having much of a relationship with his new girlfriend, although they've been dating a while and she seems to desperately want me to be her friend.
I remain close to my exIL's
I remain close to my exIL's and all the rest of my ex's family, #1 they said they were keeping me in the divorce (lol) and just cause I divorced my ex doesn't mean I divorced them. Now I don't get to see them as much as I did holiday's and such even though I'm invited cause exH's gf has made nasty threats if I do go to "make" my ex not take our kids to the family events if I show up (ex's family heard it through gossip and told me what she said) My kids would just call me to take them or tell their dad "fine leave mom will take us home after" But I don't like that in this situation I can choose to avoid her crazy crap by going before or after they have been there if I need to for my kids. They will always be my kids family, and they've met my SO and invited him as well (he won't go cause he says it's strange which I understand). My exMIL calls me about every 2 months as she lives out of state to catch up and my kids call her once a month to say hi. It's family and to each their own on how they handle extended family and blended families. Ex's family is really cool about it all only rule is Everyone is welcome as long as they leave the drama at the curb.