Bio mom looking for advice
Hi everyone,
I'm so glad I found this site. I'm dealing with a difficult situation and I thought this might be a good place to ask some questions. My husband and I have been separated for almost a year and he had me convinced our breakup was due to my postpartum depression. I worked really hard to try to save the marriage as I didn't want our family to breakup with the kids being so small, and I did love him and took full responsibility for my role in the marriage. We had our children close in age, neither of them were good sleepers and I know I was not the easiest person to live with post-baby.
But I just found out something I'd always suspected in the back of my mind during the depression--he was having an affair with a married co-worker with four kids and is planning to divorce her husband and marry my husband and is extremely excited about having a blended family. Before this new information, I had just gotten to a point where I was accepting the divorce and even excited at the prospect of moving on and at the idea that if either my stbx and or myself remarried, it would just mean more people to love our daughters. But this relationship doesn't sit well with me (and obviously in many ways I get that it's none of my business) because it started while we were still together and while I was having my second baby and my husband was telling me he was unhappy. Upon hearing this news, I remember going into super wife mode, running around with a newborn, toddler and a new c-section scar making extravagant dinners, taking on all of the childcare and keeping the house spotless so that he would feel comfortable when he came home. And all the while we was having an affair with this married woman. I'm not even sure how she had the time to be with my husband with four kids at home. I have two and I barely have time to take a shower, lol! 
I'm literally starting to wonder if my depression was as severe as I thought or if it was partly caused by living with someone who was being dishonest with me.
My question is, how do I co-parent with my husband's affair partner? I'm finding it hard to wrap my head around getting along with her, even though I would have been fine if my husband had met someone new, and we actually talked about that. My goal in this divorce was to eventually be in a place where we could have holidays and other special occasions together with our future partners. I know it's not possible for everyone, but it's 2015 and I want us to handle this divorce as adults for the sake of the children. I don't want anyone to think I'm some bitter bio mom who can't move on from the marriage, but I also can't help but be a little angry now at all the lying on both their parts. Maybe it's because the information is still new and it's going to take time?
The children visit their dad every other weekend and one weeknight per week (he didn't want much more than that even though I told him my door is always open for him to see the kids and he can take them out or overnight whenever he would like). Our mediator asked both of us to not introduce the children to any new romantic partners at this time, but this woman is present every time the kids visit their dad. She also has been having some of her friends harass me via FB and sent me a request on linked in (yes! let's network!) 
Anyway, thanks for listening. I know you all have very difficult roles dealing with all the many issues that come up with blended families and when I found this site, it looked like everyone offers good advice and a good support system so I thought I'd reach out. And while I haven't started dating yet, I know there's a good chance I could be a step mom myself someday if I ever remarry, so it's great to know a forum like this exists.
I had the same idea as you
I had the same idea as you with the joint holidays and birthday, yada yada yada. I learned real quick it doesn't work that way and moved on. You're not going to want to spend time with him and his new family and vice versa.
It sounds like she's full of drama if she and her friends are harassing you already. I'd stay far away from that. There is no reason to co-parent with HER. I don't deal with my spouses ex. She harasses me regularly and is full of drama. I'm not in high school and don't want to deal with her crap so I don't. I don't have time for petty games and any kind of attention makes it worse so I just stay quiet and let him deal with her psycho.
You don't coparent with her,
You don't coparent with her, you coparent with your husband.
Since the woman and her friends are stalking you, it may be best to avoid any contact with her. I hope you have a great lawyer.
This point that Sueu2 made
This point that Sueu2 made about the kids taking cues from you is spot on.
They want you to be happy and if dissing the SM and Dad seems to make you happy they will go full force. Do not let them say rude or disrespectful things about either of them, even if you agree with them. Don't let them decide if they are going to visit or not (unless their safety is in question, then get the authorities involved)
The ex and SM are probably going to do a ton of things that will make you insane crazy. Find a board like this one, but for BMs and vent on it. Or with your BFF. Just not the kids and don't let them over hear you talking sh*t about their Dad or SM.
If the kids tell you about something that has happened at Dads house and you have a problem with it, call him. Get his version of the event. All kids, even ones in intact families, will manipulate a situation to best serve them.
Thank you for this
Thank you for this wickedsm123
Boundaries, boundaries and
Boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries.
We say it all the time here, boundaries really are your friends.
You need to first mentally come to terms with the fact that yes he may have been lying to you and he may have been having an affair, but also, he may have had an interest but not have acted on it physically until after you were split. The reality is you will never know as you are not part of that relationship.
But how you deal with the end of your relationship and marriage needs to be totally separate than how you deal with the father of your children in terms of co parenting.
Personally I would say try to co parent as little as possible, get boundaries in place now. If he is happy with alternate weekends and an overnight in the week then thats fine, but dont have an open door policy. Ofcourse if he wants to see his children for additional time then he can contact you and request it. But put some distance there immediately, do not contact one another via phone other than in emergencies.
Keep all your contact via text or email, if you wish to keep him informed with additional information (daycare, school, extra activities) then do so via text or email but only do so in the beginning and do not over do it. Ultimately you are no longer together and once those kids are in school then it is down to him to ensure he is as involved as he wishes to be, but naturally sometimes schools can forget to keep both parents informed and if their websites arent up to date then it can be hard. So dropping an email or text if the school/day care is shut when its his time is perfectly reasonable.
Also, if you currently do handovers at your houses, stop. Choose a close neutral location. Be it the library, local shop, etc. Whatever isnt your house and isnt his house, this makes it so much easier for the kids but also in terms of building and strengthening new relationships within the household.
Oh and finally you have no obligation to co parent with the new gf, ultimately you dont know how long shes going to stick around. Be curtious and polite should you bump into one another but theres no need to be overly friendly. The visitation time is for the dad, if he is unable to collect the kids then he needs to arrange time for when he is able to have them or find alternate arrangements. Now, if the new partners been around for a while and his work hours change which would mean she collecting the kids and having them on her own for a few hours before he gets home, if you are ok with that then thats ok, but if you arent, then thats ok to. You really do just have to take it as it comes, let your kids be able to build a relationship with this woman without feeling guilt or like they are betraying you for liking her. Ultimately she is not the enemy, she is not the reason your marriage failed, your husband was unhappy and you were struggling after having your second little one, theres no shame in that but the reality is whilst this womans presence may have sped up the process your marriage was already on its way down the drain.
All of this advise is what I
All of this advise is what I would of given. Email and texted only....neutral place for pick up, drop offs, no bad mouthing the dad or girlfriend, co parent with your ex, not the Gf. No game playing with the gf and her mean friends that are messing with yon FB.
And take time to heal. What happened to you is heartbreaking. Love yourself and heal.
1. Of course you're angry and
1. Of course you're angry and hurt. Yes, it will take time.
2. Then one day you will get a big lightbulb over your head that shines out: "THIS GUY IS NOT WORTH HAVING!!!"
3. You will enjoy your life free of him. FREE.
4. Don't give her another thought. You do NOT "co parent" with her.
5. You raise your kids to be decent human beings, emotionally healthy. Give them the liberty to love their dad and anyone else who treats them kindly.
6. Do NOT make your kids fight your battles. So the lady is a tramp. Your kids don't particularly know that nor should they. Teach them to be respectful, polite, and calm to her. Give them "permission" by your words and actions to love her if that develops naturally. This does not threaten your position in their hearts one little bit.
7. Tell yourself "what the what?! I don't HAVE to have Christmas with him ever again! Woooohooooo!!!!!" Then drop forever that idea.
8. Totally agree: boundaries are your friends.
Thank you to everyone for all
Thank you to everyone for all the helpful advice. You're very kind and gave me a lot to think about. I'm a big proponent of boundaries, so I will make sure they are always in place. For now I just need to focus on my kids and ignore the drama. Thanks again for all the responses.