I've opted to not attend functions at fiancee's parents house for the same reason. They drive me nuts with how they pity poor poor FSS....he's been through so much, that poor kid(sarcasm mode off), and he does the same thing your SD does...he feeds off of it and knows how to manipulate the situations..so much that he doesn't even listen to his own father..so I don't go over there anymore if SS is with us. They treat my 6 yr old BD as if she's 3 and she hates that, and they think she's a brat because she's very independent and wants to be treated like a "big girl" and she tells them so..(she's blunt like me..lol) I won't put myself in an uncomfortable situation over there anymore..we have enough problems dealing with BM all the time...I'd rather stay home and save some of my sanity...because like you when I'm mad it shows even if I don't say anything...

I agree with sixxguns who said...

I won't put myself in an uncomfortable situation over there anymore... I'd rather stay home and save some of my sanity...because like you when I'm mad it shows even if I don't say anything...

I can't say it any better. You have to do what's healthy for you #1 & then everyone else #2. Besides, it's YOUR birthday, so you might as well enjoy it.

I've kinda been there. I did not attend my closest cousin's baby shower. I felt bad, but not as bad if I had gone. I don't like her closed minded bigotted friends. I didn't want to deal with all these people who have been married & had kids (but did not get a higher education or start a career) making me feel like a loser because I wasn't exactly like them. I didn't want to lose my temper & go off on them when it's supposed to be a happy time for my cousin, so I stayed home & ordered her a gift on line. I'm okay with that.

Hipi

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

My personal opinion.. I would go, as to NOT admit defeat OR that I was the one to blame.

HOWEVER, should you decide that it would be too uncomfortable for you to go, I think DH and your children should not go as well. Say as a family that no one in your family stands by another family member abusing another family member and getting away with it.

I am assuming that she hasnt apologized for her actions.. I mean.. why would she.. right?? she is the one that is always right (sarcasm)..

I would have your dh explain to his lovely overly opinionated mother that he does not feel comfortable subjecting his wife and his children to a day filled w/woe is crazy SD18. That based on what she has said to you, that SD18 is not at fault.. that he would rather they missed this event as its still to raw in everyone's minds.

If the point is to honor all the family member's birthdays, can you host at your home and not invite SD? Sorry I don't know if this is an option, but then you could at least call the shots on your own turf.

Is there no way you can find out in advance whether she will be there?

I would go if I was you. I know it sucks to be the bigger person...but the best message to send her might be that her crappy unacceptable behavior is not going to affect your life. If you don't go, it shows her that she managed to control the situation.

She used to flip like this a LOT (with the throwing things and breaking things). Like I said, she lived with BM unti age 7. BM had abusive men in and out of her life. BM and SD even had a restraining order against one of the guys. Child services had about 20 reports on BM. When SD was 6 (before I knew her or husband) she bit her teacher and threw a desk across her classroom and got suspended! This was a kid with ISSUES.

The flip outs are now few and far between. Maybe a couple times a year at this point. But finding out about my pregnancy has DEFINITELY led to some regression.

Like I said, we're going to take her to a therapist. Also, she'd been in therapy for years until about 6 months ago, when her therapist retired. But that woman said she didn't think SD needed it anymore (THAT'S how much better she'd been doing!)

Now, we'll find another therapist for her, and probably do some family therapy as well. Hopefully, she will learn to accept her new situation.

not because you want to "prove" anything to the SD but because it's your birthday and you want to celebrate with your family.

I'm going to be honest with you here because I feel that it's what you want...

This situation is tough for me to relate to because I've never been in it. My skids respect me tremendously and when there is true discipline (like a spanking for the youngest or grounding decision for the older ones) needed, I refer them to their father. If he's not there, I tell them to go to their room and wait for Dad to get home. I do this because most kids are going to have the same (normal) reaction in their mind - "who are you to tell me what to do?" And I, personally, don't want to take on that role, it's just not my responsibility in life.

I think you have started an all out war with a little girl who is too immature and mentally incapable of doing what's right. So guess who has to be the bigger person and stop the war?....You do. You are the older and wiser one. Taking the high road is never fun but if you truly want the madness to stop, you need to take it. I'm not saying that she shouldn't be accountable for what she's done, I'm just saying that maybe if you were the first to step forward and say that you could've handled the situation differently...the door to resolving the situation could be opened.

"But if she walks in the door at a family function and she goes and starts hugging on everyone acting like she is so mistreated because her front is to be sweet, I will want to kill her again. I am very easy to read, my eyes tell the truth. What if she tries to hug me - OMG how would I handle myself. That would be a great idea for her to do, if she wanted to show them that she was "Trying", No way, I would have to push her back. She can't get away with punching me, and get respect from everyone else."

It just sounds that the two of you are in a power struggle. The problem is that she is an 18 year old CHILD who thrives on drama. Don't enable that drama. If she tries to hug you, hug her back and say "we have some talking to do I think". Then go on about your business and if she tries to cause a dramatic episode, walk into another room and don't be a part of it.

My skids BM is the ULTIMATE victim. Her survival tactic is to have everyone feel sorry for her, I've even fallen for it a couple of times. Like you, it just always pissed me off when she boo hooed to anyone that would listen about how horrible her life is. (She has no idea about true suffering) I can not even begin to tell you how many times I have had the utmost restraint in a situation. But in the end I had to realize that it was my own annoyance that was so toxic....my very own reactions to her. So my advice to you is to rise above it and move forward. Don't let her keep bringing you down to her level.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Hi Stepwitch! If you can do what CG said, that would be truly classy and a great example. If you cannot do that, I would not go to the party.

My first answer was I would not go anyway, it is bound to be a drama fest and if you are not there, no one can fight with you and who cares what they say or think anyway, ya know? Let them have her and you enjoy your celebration with the people you like.

I am about over these extended family celebrations, myself. There always seems to be drama! even in my own family, and I don't like drama.

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

otherwise it will just put more time and more uncomfotableness for when you have a gathering.
I agree with sai Deschain's aunt ,who sounds just like my mom who always said " be the bigger person" . That doesn't mean that you act fake, or overly nice to her, just act same to family as you would and if anyone says she is "trying" as you fear, then simply reply,perhaps she needs to try toward ME, I am the one she hit. When she hits you, I will support the personal boundaries you choose for yourself, ok, and then smile sweetly.Happy Birthday!!!!!!

That sounds great.. stepwitch.. only when someone says "I cant imagine not being allowed in my parents house" you should respond, "how often do you punch your parents?" and then let that sink in as you walk away.

what an awesome come back..
I hate drama too stepwitch but I got tired of coming off as afraid..
it will help that hubby is on your side!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

No problem.

I have heard, the way to shut someone down when they are asking a totally inappropriate question, or making comments that they arent truly thinking through (and normally they are judgemental comments) are to ask an equally offensive question, and walk away. They will get it.

Like.. Frustrated, are you and DH EVER going to have children.
Me: Why do you ask?

I have to practice myself though.. I have to anticipate the hurtful comments or questions.. and then respond w/a rehersed, subtle yet jaw dropping question!!

I think they will see that, perhaps if THEY hit their parents, they TOO would not be allowed in their parents home. They wont get that if you say it out.. but you ask them how often they are hitting their parents.. that might just sink in!

My mother's advice when someone asked me a rude question was to respond with "I'm surprised you would ask me such a personal question" and then let the matter drop. Sounds like she has the same idea as frustrated.