Time to Get Some Ass About Me !!
Thank you everyone who replied to my post about losing it ! Man, what a horrible weekend ! I think I'm getting more grey hair!
I let my husband read my post and read the responces. I told him about this site and his responce at the time was that he was glad that I had this site for support. After he read the post and responces he truely had a better understanding and his opinion still holds true.
He said that this site was great because we all have unique situations and have different ways of dealing with them, but we all have a common bond.
I think that after reading the responces regarding how I should just be the bigger person and that I should just forgive and forget is an unconcievable expectation, that he gets it ! Yep, I said it, HE GETS IT !! We had a long discussion about what is acceptable and what is not. When we should let go and when we should hold on. He is having major issues with his family because they don't see eye to eye or just disagrees with the whole situation. Some in his family think that we turned our backs to his 19 yo daughter, we haven't. She is just going to have to find her own way, we can't do everything for her and that is one of the reasons she is in this situation in the first place.
We both agree that we will not back down, that we will both stand our ground and will not let his family dictate to us what they think that we need to do ! We are the parents regardless ! We will go to the Sunday Bday dinner with our heads up and we will stand together. I'm kind of looking forward to it now. Is that weird?
This is going to sound a tad bit passive aggressive, but I can't wait until sd acts all concerned with her dad's accident, because if the opportunity arises (I won't start it) but, if anything is said about how worried she was and bla bla bla, I will have to say, she was not worried about him...If she was she would have called the house or me....Hell, she hadn't even called her dad and its been what? a week now..... hehehe
No one tried to keep information away from her, but she can't just choose when she wants to be a part of the family.. Dang, I just wish she would grow up, get a plan, even a 1 mo plan or 6 mo plan or 1yr plan. Living day/day week/week without any plans of improving yourself must be a dark place to be. I would even bet money she won't even show up, the embarrasement must be eating her up !!
Sorry this is long, but I am soooo grateful to all of you !!
good for u!
im so glad u and DH are on the same page and have a plan about how to handle everything. and im so glad to see u in a better place! yay for u!!!! big hugs!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Thanks Bella..
I'll let you know..
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
"...she can't just choose
"...she can't just choose when she wants to be a part of the family."
Amen my stepsista. I actually said this to SD when she was in my face about "not being my mom you can't tell me what to do" one day, then asking why I couldn't take her back to school shopping when I took my sons the next day. I said, "If I'm not your parent when it comes to making decisions in my own home about how to raise you, then I'm also not your parent when it comes to something you want of me."
She was speechless. Now THAT's rare.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I must say the moment was worthy of one of those
"Priceless" commercials.
Therapy appointment- 130 dollars EACH
Self help books with the name "STOP" in the title- 45 dollars
Seeing SD speechless when the above advice is put to use successfully-
PRICELESS.
It's true.
Recently I also got to throw in one I picked up in the Parents of BPDs support group. The advice was to someone else, who's grown daughter was attacking her as a mother for not continuing to support her self induced dramatic existence.
Another mom said- "Tell her that your love is unconditional. Your support is NOT."
That was good enough in itself, but I adapted it for SD. Recently, in a conversation that was supposed to be sincere about what we could all do to make our family happier (but turned into a vent from SD about how I needed to see a shrink not her) SD stated-
"Your family should be there for you no matter what you do to them."
Pulling that other quote up from the BPD website I said,
"Our love for you is unconditional. Relationships are NOT so. If you aren't willing to contribute then I don't see any point to continuing this conversation."
Once again....
SPEECHLESS SD.
It's good to have some zingers in your arsenal so you can whip them out when needed. That's one good thing about the support groups we have. Other parents have been there and we can share things like this that will come in handy for others in multiple situations.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
My God, ST
"Your family should be there for you no matter what you do to them."
Those words were spoken ver batem by SD16, which left me dumbfounded!
She actually believes that no matter how badly SHE treats others in her family, THEY have to turn around and kiss her butt- unconditionally. But she does not ever have to be nice to them or treat them with respect- it is always at her convenience. I've never seen anything like it before.
She can scream at her dad and tell him how awful he is and how evil I am, and then in the next hour have the complete audacity to ask him if he can send her on some trip costing $1000 because, "I REALLY, REALLY want to go, Daddy pleeeeaaaaase?????"
It's bizarre. It's a total disconnect. And it's downright disturbing.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Oh yeah...
"She can scream at her dad and tell him how awful he is and how evil I am, and then in the next hour have the complete audacity to ask him if he can send her on some trip costing $1000 because, "I REALLY, REALLY want to go, Daddy pleeeeaaaaase?????"
This is my SD too. Screaming raging really, raised fist to us twice in one weekend, collapsed when he grabbed her trying to run out of the house/yard, fell into a fetal position sobbing hysterically...
then not an hour later...
Can we go to the mall soon for the school shoes you promised me?
Blink blink, scratching my head- What?!?!
At least DH always says NO. Then SD asks WHY? and DH starts to answer with, "You have been totally disrespectful, rude, ungrateful, spiteful...
SD then screams "I KNOW. YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP TELLING ME!" over top of what he's saying, and stomps off to her room.
Last night when they got back from her soccer game (he still goes to every one of them for some reason) she stated she had to go over to her friends to get a piece of clothing back she needed for today. She is still grounded, AND we have told her to stop giving her clothes to and borrowing clothes from her friends a million times. I have actually thrown out clothes purchased by other parents (short shorts and too small or worn thin tops) because I thought they came from BMs after warning SD that all inappropriate clothing will be sent to Goodwill or thrown out if it's unwearable. Her friends STILL loan her things, although sometimes I think she takes them without them knowing because she'll tell me she "accidentally" put it in her bag thinking they were hers.
Anyway, SD responded to him reminding her that she may not borrow/loan clothes anymore by saying ,"I'm really not in the mood for a lecture."
But yet, you continue to do it over and over. Then if you're corrected you indignantly scream "I KNOW" overtop of us talking.
It's really ridiculous to live this way.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I may have heard..
you say it at some point, not sure... Good enough for me to remember it......hehe
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
That is great that he gets
That is great that he gets it. I bet he was surprised at the number of us that said you SHOULD have called the cops!!! Bet that one took him by surprise.
Glad that he is going to stand w/you on Sunday. Not weird that you are now looking forward to it.. That makes sense, you can not wait til the day when you watch your dh stand up for you!!!
Congrats!
He knew I could have called the cops...
I just couldn't do that to HIM !! Her, ya - fool me once....
Not going to be pushed anymore ! (I hope I don't have to eat those words)
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Sita.. love that. I bet
Sita.. love that. I bet she was speechless.. Didnt think that far ahead.. did she!?!?! lol
Oh SW - I'm so glad that
Oh SW - I'm so glad that Bill is supporting you. Doesn't it make these things easier to deal with when they back us up??
You go to that dinner girl and you hold your head so damn high it will be in the clouds...
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
SW- very happy for you!
What a wonderful turn of events for you. I am so glad you can now go to the party and feel like you are a united couple- what a great feeling that will be for you. I can picture in my mind how you will need to literally need to bite the sides of your cheeks to keep from smiling so hard
Let us know how things go over the weekend. We'll be thinking about you.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Thanks...
I'm going to be reading those posts before I go.. Just for additional umph !! I'll let you know...
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
LOL StepW
You know that I'm playing catch up on all of the blogs that I've missed, yours being one of them. I still haven't gotten through them, but I came across this one and the responses are all great btw. I must say though that your response here about reading the posts before you go to the party got me to laughing. I couldn't help the image that came into my mind. Please forgive me.
I immediately thought of a boys football team getting psyched before a game. They are all pumped and chanting "Let's get fired UP!" The image of you getting the additional "umph" just brought that to mind and we STers are your lil rah-rah team.
*Bumping Chests* Couldn't help myself. LOL. Enjoy the party.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
ROFLMAO............
I hope Steve isnt reading this....Bumping Chests.......We could start a damn earthquake.............lol lol lol lol
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Witchie Poo! Right on G/F
I'm glad that you and your DH talked and I'm glad that you showed him the responses here. I did the same thing with my FH about the cell phone incident a couple of months ago and boy did he feel like and idiot. That I thnk is why when we start counseling he started to say he realized how wrong he was. We are all hear for you and I can't wait to hear how the party goes on Sunday. I'm going through a lot of anxiety myself right now going to FH's hometown cuz I know he doesn't really want me there - and he is just doing it cuz I therapist said he should. Guess we will have a lot to dish about on Monday. Take care - hugs to ya!
Yay!
Congratulations to you and DH for holding SD responsible for her abuse and horrendous behavior! If she steps up and admits that she was wrong, you will have helped her take one more important step toward functional adulthood.
If not? Oh well. She can join my angry, misunderstood SD18 at the local homeless shelter...