Anyone else in the unique position of being in the picture before SKIDS?
Being a stepmom is a hard job, this I am sure of. But did anyone else land that position unexpectedly?
My significant other and I were together for over 2 years and close friends for 5 years before we ever found out about his daughter. We were finally living together and his Ex contacted him saying, "My daughter is your child."
Naturally we got the paternity test first. Sure enough 99.98% match. Not that we couldn't tell. The 4 year old looked like a clone of her daddy. Ex-GF wanted my SO to go back to her to take care of her and her 4 kids (all different fathers). Naturally he didn't. So Ex disappeared. We hired a lawyer, fought in court, and got joint custody of my new SD...
I love my new SD to death but sometimes it is so difficult to adjust. We were BOTH thrusted into parenthood unexpectedly. And when BM wants to make things hard for us she REALLY makes things hard.
In the beginning SD took to me right away. She loved me, hugged on me, and even called me mommy (her choice, I taught her my name but she insisted she wanted to call me mommy). She loved weekends with us... But recently SD has been coming over and completely ignoring me and disobeying my rules. I'm not even that hard on her. But she flat out refuses to even speak one word to me. I finally got her to open up to me. She told me, "Mommy says don't talk to you. Mommy says you're bad."
Sometimes its hard to deal with her now. She thinks I am a bad person, the wicked stepmother... hard times like this make me terrified of her teenage years. When I get really frustrated with her the little girl inside me stomps her feet and cries, "WHYYYY?! I WAS HERE FIRST!" I feel selfish with those thoughts and makes me wonder if I got in over my head by sticking around...
Anyone else have the "I was here first" situation?
-forum noobie
I've not been in that
I've not been in that situation but I can tell you what bm is doing needs to be dealt with by dh swiftly. He needs to tell sd (w/you present) that she does need to listen to you and be nice to you. And he needs to tell bm he knows what she's up to and it needs to stop. And that she should seek help from a counselor.
^^^this also, ask her what
^^^this
also, ask her what she thinks, feels and even why. begin to help her develop her own reasoning skills. this will be essential for the future. i will say this, my skids had the same thing happen to them, we let them think/feel what they wanted but dh always required respect and we also asked them questions about what they thought, why they thought that, and what they saw that would lead them to believe that way.
They are now 9 and 11 and they usually know what's going on when it comes to their mom. They don't want to hear her bad-mouthed but they have found their own way to try to deal with her. It's sad because BM always puts the kids in the middle to get what she wants and they have to deal with it, but no matter what anybody says, you have zero control when it comes to what comes out of BMs mouth.
EXACTLY! We couldn't
EXACTLY!
We couldn't understand why on earth she would tell him, "Hey you have a daughter!" and then disappear WITH said daughter. Over time we came to the conclusion that is was money reasons and BM just wanting to get her way. It was a tough battle and even harder to see my SO go through the pain of knowing he had a baby girl out there and not being able to see her.
Time to introduce SD to the
Time to introduce SD to the facts. Her toxic BioMom stole her from her daddy. You are not a bad person, you love her. Ask her if she remembers how much fun the three of you have together and how much you and her daddy love her.
If BM is going to pollute this little girl with her toothless toxic moron idiocy then you have no choice but to counter with the facts delivered in a caring and age appropriate manner. This is the only way to minimize the influence of the BM on this little girl. More importantly you have to bring the pain down on BM quickly, frequently and with the most force possible.
BM has bared her own idiot ass and has demonstrated the strategy and games she will play in your blended family dynamic. So, it is time to utterly devastate her and allow no inkling of confusion on how you and your SO will shred her for the rest of the duration of the CO if she so much as thinks about manipulating and deviating from the order and from reasonable adult behavior.
Anon and Tog have it exactly right in their above comments IMHO. I would add that you have to bring the pain to BM immediately and constantly now that she has shown her hand.
We had to do the same with my SS's SpermClan from nearly day one of our blended family journey. They were quiet and nearly totally non participatory other than the occasional phone call until they learned that my DW was dating someone.
DW had (SS now 21) when she was 16. The SpermIdiot was 23. She kicked him out when he cheated repeatedly. She did file for CS and was awarded a small CS amount. As a single teen mom she was granted sole legal and physical custody. She went on to graduate with honors with her HS class and moved out of state for college when SS was 13mos old.
DW and I met and started dating when SS was 15mos old. When the grapevine told SpermGrandMa that DW was dating she hired a lawyer (bargain basement - thank God) and filed for custody on behalf of her worthless POS son. Rather than fold and give up custody my DW (then GF) took out supplemental school loans, got her own attorney and went to war with the SpermClan.
In an interesting parallel to the BM in y our situation, DickHead has 4 out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas. My SS is his eldest.
Long story a bit shorter …. After several delays designed to price my DW out of being able to fight them and two weeks after we married we ended up in court. We kicked ass. Even getting their asses handed to them in family law court did not shut the SpermClan down and for several years they tried to manipulate, threaten and maneuver. Every time they so much as twitched we beat them in to submission with every legal and behavioral tool at our disposal. Eventually they learned that is was much less painful for them to be reasonable and to stay under their rock.
They never completely got the message but damned sure felt the pain when they forgot the message.
We never denied visitation. In fact on several occasions over the years we paid for their half of visitation travel costs when they were too broke to afford it. We insisted that SS have a relationship with his SpermIdiot and the SpermClan. It was the right thing to do and we wanted to avoid any future backlash that might come of his not knowing his SpermClan. But, we kept SS completely updated on the facts of the entire blended family history, dynamic, legal proceedings, etc… in an age appropriate manner. Now that he is an adult he is experiencing his own unpleasant interface with the SpermClan but because we have kept him in the loop he is able to deal with them effectively.
So, take control. Bring the pain on BM and keep your SD well aware of the facts regarding her BM and the entire situation. When she is old enough step her through the court docs, and any other information that is relevant to her situation. Most of all, do not allow BM to guild the turd that she is and is trying to hide from you SD.
IMHO of course.
Brilliant Rags!! You are 100%
Brilliant Rags!! You are 100% spot on!!
DH used to think he was protecting the kids when he'd keep the truth about BM's despicable behaviour and her abandoning them when they were babies. He thought he was protecting THEM when he'd defend BM and tell them that their Mom needed to take time out - this over the years she left them. They were aged 2 & 3 when she walked out and only contacted them sporadically. Never send DH any support - financial, emotional or any other way. Just left him to deal with it. Along with a MOUNTAIN of debt (she was the accountant in their marriage and was sending money to her family overseas, instead of paying their bills).
When she returned with a new lesbian partner, he was flexible and cooperated with her - and still stood up for her (in his mind, it was to protect the children).
He realised what he'd been doing was wrong - and he only realised this when he got into a relationship with me (his first after BM). As the kids grew older and SD13 made it clear she resented him being in a relationship - he found out she had the full support of BM. When he tried talking to the skids, they defended her to the ground. They knew BM was trying to destroy our relatinship but SD13 believed she was in the right doing this.. after all.. she IS their Mom..right? So, then DH realised that all he did in the past, was protect his EX WIFE - he wasn't protecting the kids at all. They had their rose-colored glasses on and take her word as gospel.
Battling BM to get her to stop trying to control DH is hard yacca.. but it's a battle we will continue to fight and we will win.
But the message for us is loud and clear - be upfront and truthful with skids at all times - they will learn to adapt and handle things.
Thanks for that
Thanks for that IslandGal,
We've thought about being the "bigger person" and just being completely nice to BM and make her seem like an angel to her kids, but you are right. If we do that then BM is a saint in their eyes and she will continue to poison their minds in her own favor...
But as I pre-mentioned... she is only 4.5... We are going to let her enjoy her world of coloring books and mini mouse for now... when she gets older we can let her know what happened in the beginning... right now I'm just doing my best to not give up on her and our relationship.
Rags, I'm glad your story
Rags,
I'm glad your story ended in your favor. We DO plan to tell SD the full story of what her mother did to my SO but we want to wait till she is older. We in no way ever want to speak ill of her mother in front of her or try to manipulate the child into hating her mother. She can learn that all on her own as she grows up and starts to realize... "Hmmmm... mommy refuses to work... all my siblings have different daddies... mommy lives off CS...." She's a smart cookie and will piece the puzzle together. Her daddy will decide when he's ready to sit down and tell her why he has no pictures or memories of her from birth to 4+ years old...
And I try my best to still be civil and kind to BM no matter what. One day we did not have custody of the kids but there was a kid friendly show/convention in town that I thought SD would enjoy. So I called up BM and she allowed me to come get SD and take her... SD's older sister also knows me and she really wanted to go to. So I treated both kids to a day of fun. And in the beginning when we took visited SD and took her gifts (before custody) I would also bring gifts for all 3 other children so no one would feel left out. I've even picked up SD AND her sister from school when BM's car broke down. I in no way ever want to punish or mistreat the kids for their mothers mistakes.
(Side note: If anyone is confused how SD's older sister knows me... My SO and the other "baby daddy" actually happen to be good friends so they hang out often and the girls get to spend time together even when their daddies pick them up. Crazy I know...)
I am in a situation like that
I am in a situation like that now. DH and I were friends since high school and we were "dating" (in quotes because we were only teenagers at the time) before him and BM ever got together. Actually, BM is the sister of one of my friends from high school and I invited them all to a party at another friend's house and DH and BM ended up hooking up. That's how they got together.
Fast forward a couple years, BM tried to trap DH with a baby but it obviously didn't work. Now we have SD.
BM tells SD bad things about me all the time, even though I do wayyyy more for SD than BM does. BM hardly ever even takes SD. We have her almost every day.
Idk where these BMs get their power trips from, I really don't. Like you said, "I was here first!"
Well glad to know I'm not the
Well glad to know I'm not the only one who's mind sometimes wanders into "I was here first!" mode.
I feel so selfish when I do that but dammit sometimes you just can't help it. I suppose it's ok to accidentally think that way sometimes. So long as we don't actually act on it and treat everyone that way.