Anyone deal with Reactive Attachment Disorder?
I just found out my SD12 has Reactive Attachment Disorder. She hasn't been diagnosed yet but when she has every single symptom listed online, it is not hard to realize what the problem is.
I feel relieved in a way that I am not crazy and she indeed is NOT a normal kid. We are working on finding her a counselor with experience in this area (which is rare so we are having a hard time).
If your child/step-child has RAD, do they know they have a disorder or do you keep that info from them?
The disorder pretty much makes them have no tie to the human race. No empathy, no caring for others...just for themselves. They are hyper yet lazy, often violent, lie and sneak around, have a lack of morals, are fascinated with fire and blood, are socially inept, destructive, etc. It is sad because they develop the disorder often as infants or toddlers by not having a close emotional bond with one of their care givers. SD's mom abandoned her so it is easy to see how she developed it.
I caution against self
I caution against self diagnosis based on information found online.
You did not just find out she has RAD. You THINK she may have it.
I would highly recommend talking to DH about counseling for her.
Yes, we "think" she may have
Yes, we "think" she may have it and we are looking for a counselor for her. I am just trying to be proactive in learning about it. I am one of those that likes to know NOW!
Well here's something we
Well here's something we agree on Oi Vey. While she may have sx of RAD, you can't diagnose this. Number one you are not qualified, number 2 even if you were you cannot diagnose your own family members because you do have a biased view.
Also just a few other points. Attachment is on a continuum. Lots of people may have attachment issues without meeting criteria for an attachment disorder-so we may all be able to look at our skids and see some attachment issues. Also another poster made a fine point-in terms of the self-centeredness of teens/young people and you add in a good dose of PAS and I think it could mimic RAD to some degree.
I did not word my first post
I did not word my first post very well, I apologize. My intent was to connect with other mom's dealing with this for some pointers while in the early stages of finding a therapist that is reputable for work in this area. I didn't realize I needed a doctor's note with a diagnosis before coming to find support and vent some frustrations.
If these behaviors developed at 12, yes it would likely be a normal pre-teen thing. I noticed these behaviors in her when I first met her at three (which goes along with this disorder being developed as an infant and into the toddler years. The symptoms have gotten worse and more noticeable as time went on. I am not some step-monster trying to label my kid...I am a step-mom that has noticed a problem for years and I now feel relieved that there may be a name for it and a way to reverse it. A little peeved my husband didn't listen to me years ago...but I guess late is better than never.
Her behaviors go above and beyond "normal". Friends and family members are skeptical just like you are and have always dismissed my concerns...thus leading to even more frustration. I probably wouldn't want to believe something was wrong with my bio either, but if I thought it was possible I would want to help them...not pretend it didn't exist.
Wow, that was a ramble!
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel. My SS was academically and psychologically tested in August and we are eagerly awaiting the results. My husband and I are almost wishing for some disorder to be identified as it will give us peace of mind that there is a reason and he can get help for it. It will give us hope in an otherwise hopeless situation.
Isn't that just a politically
Isn't that just a politically correct name for a sociopath? I'd be VERY cautious about bandying that around without having first spoken to a counsellor or a shrink about a child. I have seen the same symptoms in our younger two, SD and SS 18 and it's quite scary but I have observed that there's a timespan in teenage years whereby kids really do not give two hoots about anyone but themselves and we are going to wait and see what the outcome is when they get a couple or three years older. SD is getting intensive therapy right now in a secure juvenile facility so the might jump start her a little. SS dropped out of high school in sophomore year and has had three changes of address this year, most recent one being back with his mother. We will let it ride for the moment since neither one live with us currently and evaluate better when they come back.
If things work out that these kids really are sick then we'll do what we can to help them to help themselves. DH is really a soft touch but he has his limits too and he will not let them be a burden to him.
It may be. I read that Adolf
It may be. I read that Adolf Hitler had RAD among others. That is one reason I am wanting to help her now before it is too late! I was just curious if anyone on this board had any experience with RAD. I have since found a support board just for RAD parents, so they should be able to point me in the right direction to find a good counselor and get this show on the road
Awhile back my SS's(7yrs)
Awhile back my SS's(7yrs) therapist said that he had it, but didn't really mention it again. The therapist said that it was due to either neglectful or abusive treatment from his biological mother causing him to not have a positive attachment to her. I didn't know that it was all of those symptoms and much bigger than that. The pediatrician told us to test him for asperger's based on our complaints and observations, but I think this may explain all of his asperger's-like issues and then some. I thought all of his lying and sneakiness was just modeled behavior he learned from his mother, but maybe both of them have it.
I bet the counselor heard of
I bet the counselor heard of RAD and thought your son likely had it but probably didn't have any idea how to treat him for it. It seems that there are a very limited number of therapists trained to work with RAD kids. We are looking at at least a 2 hour drive
I'm not very familiar with asperger's. The things I noticed when she was about your son's age (not sure how old he is now?), was a total lack of empathy, always causing negative attention, manipulation, sneakiness and lying, cruelty to animals, etc. One of the things I remember the most a few years back are me recovering from two surgeries and her constantly being a brat making me get out of bed for ridiculous reasons when it was extremely painful to do so (and she knew it).
But like I said, she hasn't been diagnosed yet. I would research RAD some for yourself and if you think it could be an issue, I would find a therapist. From what I have read, you don't want to ignore this as it will only get worse...and in our case (if that is what we are dealing with), it has. I just joined a RAD support group to find more information and some good therapists...one lady isn't allowed around her teenage daughter due to her lying about abuse and another is in jail because her daughter lied that she abused her! Scary!
SS is 7 and he has laughed at
SS is 7 and he has laughed at us while we cried about trouble he caused, he and BM lie all the time, he is always sneaking and conniving, we can be at the most fun place doing the most fun activity and he finds a way to make it negative, he kicks, pulls, pushes, hits our dog and I truly fear for him to be alone with her, and behaviors like that plus just the overwhelming rage that lives inside of him makes me scared to have my own kids. It's the only thing I've ever wanted and has been such a big plan in our marriage that we even have names picked out, but I am extremely worried and concerned. He lies to people we know about the dumbest things and it worries us as if he would lie to people who like us, what must he be lying and saying about us to his BM someone who hates us. Scary is right!
Your SS sounds sooo much like
Your SS sounds sooo much like my SD. If I show her that I am upset about something she says or does, she smirks and shows so much pleasure. I always tell her she is beautiful...then she picks out some physical characteristic I have and makes fun of it. If I tell her "that isn't nice, I never say mean things like that to you" she loves it. So now I pretend I don't care.
SD is abusive with our animals, too. She used to be in charge of feeding/watering the animals but after she neglected those duties and lied and said she did them (and one animal died), we gave her different chores instead. She has hit many animals. She has pinched, pushed, spanked, yelled at and thrown her siblings into couches...and admitted she did it. She is never left alone with them but I will still see her stick her foot out to trip them and make them fall down. She says mean things just to hurt their feelings. She always wants to make herself feel good by making the people around her feel bad.
The violence is improving as she matures and finds more ways to be sneaky and devious. I think all pre-teens are difficult to an extent, but I think most have at least a small desire to make their parents proud (even if they think they are stupid). My SD has absolutely NO desire to make us proud. She has no attachment to anything, including her possessions. I always wondered how she could be so forgetful and leave her stuff and lose it all the time...she has no attachment to it so she isn't worried if she loses it. She won't follow rules because she thinks they are stupid. If she says something rude and I ask how that would make her feel, I honestly don't think she knows. I don't think she is capable of empathy at all. I could go on and on! Even though this doesn't seem like a huge problem, it makes you crazy when you deal with it daily knowing something is either "off" or this kid is a hateful brat.
That's one of the reasons why
That's one of the reasons why we hope we get some type of diagnosis, because the alternative is that he is just heartless or even evil. Luckily my husband isn't defensive or in denial about it. He definitely agrees that something is wrong and for the first time, I can see that he knows how helpless and hurt I feel. Often times I walk around in a zombie like state just paralyzed by the stress, worries, anger, heartbreak, and the utter hopelessness of this situation. Last week I saw my husband walking around just like me. I was happy in a strange way, because I could tell he finally feels the way I feel and his lack of understanding for my feelings has always been an argument issue.