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Any advice for a struggling new stepmom?

SilverPetra's picture

when SDBitchPrincess12 is here. SS11 has only been a bit tricky, but has a double incontinence issue, so that has been trying. He is, however, much more open to me and I think we will grow stronger.

I moved from UK to US, left everything, and am miserable most of the time. Never wanted my own kids and am sick of SD's mini-wife behaviour. She goes to be spoilt by the grandparents, but the SS is always inside. They both bring friends here instead of visiting them and only rarely play outside. A cousin keeps coming for sleep overs, which is lovely until they all fall out. I'm waiting for a work visa, desperately.

I've become the full-time carer. Never wanted children. Am resented by the SD and I hate her, tbh. She is constantly creating drama and making unflattering or downright nasty remarks.
Her BM (my wife) knows she is a nightmare but hasn't put the work in with her over the years, allowing her to be spoilt by outsiders and grandparents leading to this awful behaviour, and I'm getting the worst of it. It is very hard to bite my tongue with her.

BD (rarely involved and gives zero financial support to his children) has recently been diagnosed HIV positiv; he is also gay, but doesn't tell the kids, because he prefers to be loved without SDBQ12's judgement. SDBP12 is religious and openly vitriolic about having two women kissing on the lips (very, very briefly and rarely). Grandparents are of the same religion but are handling me very kindly.

I've just installed a lock on the bedroom door, but BQ12 loves wandering in because she knows it annoys me.

I miss my old freedom. The dog is the only thing keeping me sane.

Help.

twoviewpoints's picture

It works for some. I usually hear it more in not married couples. Where they each have a house/apartment. Sally (a member here) maintains a home just for herself. When she's had her fill of her stepdaughter she gets to just 'go home' and poof, no stepdaughter.

I'd think it'd be more difficult scheduling together time though when it's same sex couple if the one has fulltime custody. If the father has little or nothing to do with the kids, the skids wouldn't really ever be not around. And at 11 and 12 the skids can't really be left overnight alone or weekends.

It sounds like instead of separate homes in your case probably wouldn't really work. SD needs a crash course in manners, keeping her yap shut and respecting privacy. Did you have a chance to spend much time with the 'princess' prior to uprooting and moving to the states?

SilverPetra's picture

I actually meant nothing regarding sexuality. I'd hope we were all beyond that by now, nothing more dull. I meant that I felt "dating" was a rather....unusual.....suggestion for a married couple.

SilverPetra's picture

Dear Twoviewpoints, thank you for your constructive answer.
I spent three weeks with the skids, last year. She was, of course, charming. Now she does everything she can to make everyone jump to her tune. I'd love to live separately, but the visa application is dependent on my staying here. SD does need to do all you say!! It made me giggle. Many, many thanks.

SilverPetra's picture

I don't have a car yet, here. Walks are the only option and I can't leave the children unattended, but thanks for the suggestions. I moved from London to the a-hole of nowhere. I'm longing for the skids to go back to school, because I'll have my 3 hours back. Alcohol didn't help, it just amplifies the upset, also wife is a non-drinker, so judges me for it...... BUT I did have a wonderful day with SS yesterday.

That day will really help remind me what this life could be like if the SDBP12 sorts herself out.

....I did hint about BD's new boyfriend in front of SDBP12.....and it felt good. It felt soooo good.

I'm going to read your link now, Sally. Thank you.

SilverPetra's picture

I really enjoyed the link and am going to try it with SDBP12.

I do feel exactly like a Nanny. She doesn't get sex, though. I'm totally uninterested with all of the stress. Going to reassert my independence! Thank you so much for that link and the wisdom.

SilverPetra's picture

Hee hee! "Ask your mother" Yes! I think the disengage stuff is the answer. I wanted to be supportive to DW but have become a doormat in the process. A doormat that says 'resentful'instead of 'welcome'.
I will try to join the library - it's only 40 mins walk away. There should be information about volunteer stuff to do there.

SilverPetra's picture

Haha! I totally agree, LadyFace! I taught hundreds of 'em! Living with one is horrid! I can't send it home!