Am I Crazy?

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So.. I am a first time poster here, but have been kinda lurking for a while. This site has been so helpful to me, just to have that feeling of not being alone and justified in my feelings is a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Unfortunately though only a small weight because I have 2 stepkids (girl-5,boy-6) so they are most of it. I literally break out into stress gives a day before they come over, we have them every other weekend, so I'm a wreck when they are here.

Now to the reason I'm posting tonight. Since it's the holidays they are coming over for a whole week starting Christmas day. We have a Christmas party at my husbands parents house and I brought up to him that I would like to take separate vehicles. The reason for that is because we have a 4 month old daughter and I don't trust them to not mess with her for that hour long ride. I don't trust them because I have tried to let them have a connection with her multiple times and everytime it ends badly. The first time SD pinched her to the point my DD cried, the second time SD spit on her and wanted to smack her. When we tried with SS he threw a toy at her and that's when I was just done. They are no longer alowall around her at all. Which is why I don't feel comfortable putting her right next to then in the back seat of a car.

When I told my DH this he got all huffy about it and said we would be waisting gas (which he literally has never cared about before) and that it was a stupid idea.

I guess I just wanna know if I'm being way too much, like way to overbearing.

At 5 and 6 years old they are

At 5 and 6 years old they are pinching and spitting on a baby?! Did dad do anything about it?

He just does his usual "hey!

He just does his usual "hey! That's really not nice!" And then says it's taken care of.. I absolutely hate his form of punishment with them because there is none. Just a few words in a sturn voice. Then when he seen other kids like in public or my nieces and nephews acting up, he all like "those kids could use a good spanking." All I can think when he says that is you need to look what is really happening in your own home! WTH..

I would be at a point of telling hubby to let his 2 naughty

kids out of the car and make them get out and find their way home.

seeing as they are kids/minors, the idea is to scare the shit out of them to behave. Then they are to apologise before getting back in the carand they will behave. Next step would be if it happens again you tell them in advance you will take them to the police station and actually drive there and tell them to get out.

Pretty sure the waterworks will start thati didn’t mean it etc. I don’t tolerate this kind of behaviour even from a 3/4 yr old let alone a child that understands right and wrong

You are being more than reasonable

Until such time as dad can get his kids under control (which he needs to work on!!!), you need to keep your kid safe. I see no other way than seperate cars to do this safely.

ETA -- I have no problems with little white lies. If he wants to tell his parents two cars, in case you need to take baby home early, I would be Ok.

Thank you!! I really hoped

Thank you!! I really hoped that I wasn't just seeing it differently because, as he says, "she's your first and your way too overprotective."

"Yeah, you're right. I really

"Yeah, you're right. I really should let her get spat on and pinched till she cries. Needs a bit of toughening up, doesn't she? Wouldn't want her growing up to be a wimp."

Like heck. Tell him to get a handle on his kids and you wouldn't have to protect your baby.

No. You are not crazy; your

No. You are not crazy; your husband is for thinking it will "magically be ok" even though skids have proved they can not be around the baby.

Take a separate car! Keep your baby safe.

On a side note, prepare yourself for skids acting like "big sister#1" and "big brother #1" and being over the top nice and sweet and helpful with the baby to put on a good show for everyone.

My formerSS used to put on rediculous show all the time for relatives. MIL was sooooo over the top weird about him anyway (he sooooo perfect, blah blah). So I would get to hear about how he is such a great big brother. And told how THANKFUL I should be to have formerSS to "help me all the time". And on and on. The reality was far from the charade.

I really hope none of this

I really hope none of this happens.. it would make my blood boil. They know they are not allowed to be around DD. We've never gone out somewhere with all three of them (I hate taking those two anywhere) so I have no idea what to expect.

Let him be huffy. If he doesn

Let him be huffy. If he doesn't like the arrangement, buy a three row vehicle so you can sit in the back with the baby.

Not too overbearing! Your

Not too overbearing! Your first responsibility is to keep your infant safe. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you are being unreasonable or that you are responsible for your skids feelings. I think a come to Jesus meeting w you dh is needed so he can take care of this before it gets worse and before your baby gets hurt. I do not let SS9 around my toddler nor will let him around the baby I’m about to have without my direct and close supervision.

Yep! And shame on your

Yep! And shame on your husband for being more worried about "it looking bad" or about "skid feelings" than the actual SAFETY of your 4 month old BABY.

I just don't know how to get

I just don't know how to get it through his head that he need to be at least a little more strict with them. In his eyes they are just little angels that could do no wrong. Plus he wants them always happy because they are only here 4 days a month (thank God). I couldn't handle anymore. I'm going to be going insane with this whole week that they are here.

It's common for men who only

It's common for men who only have the kids every other weekend to not want to be the bad guy, when they already feel their relationship with the kids is not strong since they see them so infrequently. What they don't get it is that they are not doing their kids any favor by refusing to discipline, and if they just spent a couple weekends laying down the law and enforcing it, the kids would behave better over time and the need for constant discipline would decrease.

And they'd be helping to raise well-behaved, responsible people, rather than entitled, bratty jerks.

I find it shocking to hear 5

I find it shocking to hear 5 and 6 year olds acting like this- maybe from a 2 or 3 year old but not at that age.

I think you need to have a serious convo with DH. The ways that you are having to adjust just aren’t feasible for you and your babies lives. The kids are the ones in the wrong and need to do the adjusting. I would strongly recommend family therapy to get this sorted. It sounds like when it is coming from just you your DH is shrugging it off. I would nip this now before it gets worse..... this isn’t just about Christmas, this is about the way you are living day to day and especially every other weekend.

I have tried so many times to

I have tried so many times to talk him into some kind of counselling or therepy. They need it so bad because it is easy to tell that they don't even get any discaplin at their BM's house. They act like no matter what they do there will be no consequences. The 5 year old isn't even fully potty trained yet.. she still craps in her pants. We literally have to buy small adult diapers for her.. so so stupid.

Don't feel bad, or like this

Don't feel bad, or like this is somehow your fault or not something that ever happens.

My formerSS13 did dangerous things and acted in cruel ways to my babyBS (his 1/2 brother). The difference for me was he lived with us FULL TIME - very rarely going to visit his mother.

I had to be on complete high alert at all times. I literally had to stay in the bedroom when baby was sleeping. It was exhausting. Nothing but excuses or stupid alternative reasons were given - because it certainly could not be formerSS fault or him doing anything because "there is nothing wrong with formerSS". NO WAY would formerSO put formerSS in any kind of therapy. Therapy he clearly desperately needed. It was so exhausting!

Do not ever feel bad that you are keeping your baby safe. And you are not alone in dealing with this type of thing.

If they lived here full time

If they lived here full time I would not be here anymore.. I don't know how you dealt with that. You are way stronger than I'll ever be lol. When I have to be super vigilant just for those 2 days I'm exhausted when they finally leave. Luckally we will be moving soon so our bedroom will be 2 times the size and I'll be able to stay In there without feeling claustrophobic after a while. I won't have to subject my daughter to their fu**ery anymore.

I tried... but ended up

I tried... but ended up leaving. Nothing was going to change and the behavior was getting worse.

I had to keep my baby safe and being stressed out and hyper vigilant all the time was a no go for me.

Something fundamemtally was wrong with formerSS and everyone around him chose to ignore it and instead pretend he was so amazing. I guess thinking someday the fantasy would become reality? Not for me.

I've had a thought or 2 about

I've had a thought or 2 about leaving, but how did you get your baby not to go over to his house? It would be way worse then because I wouldn't be there to monitor and who knows what would happen then..

You gather as much hard proof

You gather as much hard proof of the kids' behaviour so that you can prove the risks your baby would be running by going there and you demand that he sees his daughter outside of his home. You might not get it, but it's about the best you can hpe for. Maybe ask for parenting classes for him while you're at it.

My formerSO does not see our

My formerSO does not see our son, because I refused to go back.

Had he tried to get visitation in his home, without addressing formerSS issues with major therapy, I would have fought it. I did very well document. I believe my formerSO knew this and didn't want to have his son "made to look bad" in court. And, the formerSS would have had to go to therapy, which he was so against because "nothing is wrong with SS".