The fight we have over and over again…

DH (aka known as “According to Jim”)

It upsets me when Zippy17 is treated like an equal married partner in our family.

When we all moved in together, the lack of parental rules, boundaries and limitations on Zippy from the pre–Endora days of EOW devoted to Zippy and what he wanted to do, eat, play and him ALWAYS being around when we moved in together is hard to reconcile with the then budding romance between you and I. After all, it was you and Zippy since almost forever with No real maternal influence. I am sure you and Zippy had troubles with a woman coming in and having her own personality, rules, boundaries and limitations when it came to both of you and the comfort of the EOW duo.

Zippy is so emotionally tied to you that the challenge I face daily is trying to convince you to transfer the seat of married couple decision making and intimacy from the parent-child dyad to the husband-wife dyad. (example-Zippy does not need to be in on ALL of our married couple decisions-if we are going out to dinner and he is working, seeing his Bio-Mom, or out with a friend- leave him a note the day of- no need to give a 17 year old any advance notice of our intimate couple plans, there is a ton of food in the house he can think of by himself to eat without you thinking FOR him!- Let him learn to think on his feet, figure out his own lunch, dinner arrangements, heck if you died tomorrow he would HAVE to make daily life decisions.)

I know that with Zippy’s upcoming end of teen years and launch into young adulthood we HAVE to get it across to Zippy that our partnership is airtight and primary-that way there can be no holes in the family structure and there would be no question that, though we are not a “traditional” family” the grownups are in charge. The reason I say this is because kids are like dogs, they need to know the pack leaders in order to relax and mature at their own pace. I need you to support and back me up on this so it is not “my Wife versus Zippy ” it is Endora and “According to JIM”, the Adults trying to guide things as best we can. I don’t GET that from you and I need it-I feel you are trying to appease two married partners and I get very frustrated, as that is so unfair to Zippy to be put in an adult marriage triangle and unfair to me as your Wife.

I really need you to separate your complete martyr devotion to your 17 year old son and your adult marriage. I was married for 20 years, divorced when Charlie 1 and Charlie 2 were 16 and 18, raising them from there, until they were successfully out on their own-this dynamic did not occur in the first marriage (I certainly did NOT want to “partner” up with the two Charlie’s-darn it- they needed a PARENT!!!) , there were CLEAR boundaries between myself and the Charlie’s and their Bio Dad and I am at a loss as to why healthy emotional boundaries do not exist between you, me and Zippy?-it is so unnatural to me to live this way and I struggle daily with it. I really do not know how to put it any more succinct or “nicer”-

I know it is hard for you “this discussion”-but could you try and make us the adult couple? I do see you trying so hard and not “understanding” the difference because it is NOT the reality you and Zippy have lived, and I appreciate that. It’s just that it hurts my feelings when your son and I are on a level playing field, like he is a “marriage partner” and it makes it hard to keep on trying when I feel ignored or treated badly when I express this to you.

Should I say it this way?? Any feedback??