Advice on how to handle this situation
Three weeks ago, BM came to pick up Skids, earlier than usual. Skids are old enough to stay home by themselves (no longer than 4 hours at a time though - 13 and 9 I don't trust them any longer than that - completely different topic) I was at work at 10 AM when youngest called to tell me that mommy was there to pick them up. They have been at my house all week and the place was a wreck.
I found out later that BM sauntered her way into my house, uninvited, without either me or my husband there. Am I wrong to be livid about this? I am not welcome in her house - the woman doesn't even acknowledge me (even though I am the one raising her children, go figure) and that is OK, but I was so upset to learn that she was in my home when neither of us was there. I flipped out on my husband. He said he would talk to her about it. Yeah, that was 3 weeks ago, has he said anything? NO. and he gets pissed at me when I bring it up. Before he used to use the excuse of her "getting back at him" if he did anything to upset her, or the child support. Now he has custody of 1 child, and the other is pushing to come live with us (think that will push me over the edge, yup!) he pays her more than the state requires for child support, she can't take anything else away from him...... it's been 8 years since we have been together and 3 years since we have been married. When does it end? When is he going to stand up to her? She badmouths him all the time, tells the kids he doesn't know how to be a parent, where we live is "hell" (on the Eastern Shore of Maryland, about 6 miles south of St. Michaels - don't know if anyone has ever been here, but it is certainly a beautiful place, where you can actually smell the fresh air.) That I am a bad person, a liar and the reason that the kids are unhappy, because I supposedly took daddy away from them (no, don't think so either - we started dating after they seperated.) The kids have formed their own opinions of her and of me, and it is sad to say (for both of us ) that they often do not want to go home, or in the case of the older one go visit her.
To make it worse, I don't really have any friends that I can talk to about this, sans my husband, and as you can imagine, he isn't a real good listener on this topic. One thing around here, there isn't much by way of support for step parents. I really need a friend. I feel awfully lonely about this whole issue.
I would be angry too...
Ex's have no place in the home of the new spouse unless specifically invited. Now that 3 weeks has gone by though, I'm not sure what could be said. Are you and mom on speaking terms normally?
I grew up spending summers in Ocean City and romping all over the Eastern seaboard of MD- it IS truly beautiful!!!!
As far as her talking bad about dad- the only thing you can both do is prove what she says is a lie by the way you live, and it sounds like you are doing just that.
No such thing
There is no such thing as "speaking terms" between us. There are so many times when the kids come to me to talk about the things that bother them about their mother, and I want to just call her and help her through it, try to help her understand them better. I could never do that, because she thinks that since I have no children of my own, that I have no idea how to parent, thus I have no respect from her. I'm not sure why I need to have that validated, except from the fact that her own children are being raised by me half the time.
We try very hard to make our home environment a learning one. The children are discplined and they have responsibilities during the day.
If they don't take on their responsibilities, they lose priveliges. I don't believe just sending them to their room to think about it is good enough. We discuss it, they still get punished, but I make sure they understand the full consequences of their actions. I'm not one of those people who lets them off the hook, oh no. They get punished, they lose their priveleges that they are given, they lose any allowance they might have accumulated during the week. I'm certainly not a pushover, and they know it. The sad thing is, I think they like it. They like the discipline. The structure makes them feel secure. Sometimes I go overboard - like after she came into my house uninvited - They now have daily jobs (we don't call them chores) to keep the house clean at all times. Sucks for them, but, I told them NO ONE was allowed in the house if me or their father was there - this includes BM! Consequences.
I told my husband that if he didn't discuss this with her, that the next time she entered my house uninvited, I would file trespassing charges against her. My name is on the house 50/50 with his, and I have every right to do that. Maybe that will get him to stand up. Might backfire on me, but that is a chance I am willing to take at this point.
Oh yea, I'd be pissed
BM did that once, right after DH and I got married. We were out and my BD was sitting w/SD. BM called and didn't get an answer so she showed up, walked in my house and got SD(she knew DH and I were out). I told my dh that if he didn't handle this situation I would! There is no way I want this woman in my house without my permission and if she ever does that again I will call the police. If he wouldn't put a stop to this then I would, this is your home too, not just your husband and his kids.
I don't get involved with BM unless she crosses my boundries then it's on! You don't have to be snotty with your DH about this, just let him know where the line is, once it's crossed all bets are off. He will either stand up to her or get out of the way. I wouldn't worry too much about what she says about you or DH, consider the source and let it go. The kids will figure this stuff out on their own, trust me.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
BM tried that once......
BM tried that once...... never again since I almost squashed her foot in the door- I told DH from the get go that our home will be a BM free zone(with much more creative language), up until this past year she was allowed up to the porch but as she will not stop her bs games I put a no tresspass on her so now she can not step foot onto out property and pulls in front to p/u SD
Its a beautiful thing to know I will never again have to open my door to see her face!
There is no reason where logic does not exist
Tell her yourself.
I believe 100% that any confrontations with BM over the skids should be done by DH. This isn't about the skids. This is about her invading your home and your privacy, so I believe that YOU are perfectly justified in saying something to her yourself if your DH won't grow a set and do it for you.
Send her an email or a letter that just says, "BM, I am given to understand that you entered my home when you picked the skids up on whatever date. In the future, please do not enter our home when we are not there or without our prior consent. We have advised the children that they are to let no one, even you, into our home when we are not there. This is a boundary we have established to protect them, ourselves and unwelcome visitors. I am sure you understand and, of course, I would never enter your home when you are not there. Thank you." If she does it again after you've asked her not to, have her arrested for trespass.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
being the bad girl
You know.....I am so worried about what the kids will think of me if I am a bit** and get all bent out of shape because BM comes in my house uninvited....but, after reading some of everyones "adventures" I don't think it matters. I am going to have to nip this one in the bud. SD13 has a key to the house, she lives with us full time..... whose to say that BM won't drop her off and just sashay her fat butt through my house, criticizing me for everything. When they aren't there....my house is clean, and I am at peace....when they come back....it's a mess and I am a frantic mess trying to keep up with it. I know it seems silly, but I thought I was the only one that had to deal with this. I guess that is my lack of experience as a parent showing. Anyway, I am glad that you all shared your experiences with me. I really do appreciate it.
We made a rule that NO
exchanges would occur if we were not home, ever, period. Try that. If the timing isn't convenient for her, too bad. I'd make SD leave that key w/you before she leaves. My skids always had a key, but BM snuck it out of their backpack and made a copy......who knows why. I instantly changed the locks and told the skids they MUST leave their key by the back door when they left. Good luck and you will always have friends here!
Ditto
Rule, if skids are at our house on a work day, BF must drop them off at BM's on his way to work. I don't like to leave the door open for things that piss me off (so to speak). In other words, if I can foresee a problem, I'll try to come up with a plan to avoid it.
"I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more."
Dorothy Parker, Here Lies (1939), "The Little
livid
is how i would feel. BM has no right to your house, and has the same rights to entering your house as a stranger walking down the road. Even thought it is 3 weeks later, I would still shoot off an e-mail, or have Dh shoot one off explaining that what she did was inappropriate, and that under no circumstances should she do that again going forward, unless she was to be brought up on trespassing charges. Thank goodness we live in an apt building, and there is no way our BM would be able to sneak in even if she tried.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.-Erma Bombeck:
I did it
At the suggestion of Anne, I sent BM an email stating the inappropriateness of her actions and that her and DH needed to coordinate times to pick up kids when an adult was present. Here's the best part..... they are on vacation in NC (yup, they can afford to go to NC, can we - no - we are having a staycation this year) and when she gets back and reads her email, she will be livid (I honestly believe she doesn't see anything wrong with what she did - my theory is her kids are there, so she has the right to come in if she pleases) and will completely flip out at my husband (what exactly is "DH" ?? I got an answer, but probably not what everyone else is thinking) and thus, I will have thrown him under the bus. There are underlying issues here, if you haven't figured out yet. I am more pissed that he didn't confront the issue at the start, and claims he didn't cause he didn't want to upset the kids. I just think he is afraid of her - I always tell him to grow a set and stand up to her. Then I get to thinking that he doesn't respect me, because he won't stand up for me to her, and then I get resentful and pissy, and all that other stuff. This whole being the second wife thing makes me feel like I am the "second string". As my father used to say, "I feel like the redheaded step child" (funny 9YO SD is a redhead)
My plans are always trumped by BM. Really ticks me off. I am sure that is usually the case. If their father would stand up to BM, it would teach the girls that it's OK to speak your mind. Wow, I certainly have a lot of issues. I giggle to myself now, and I can't wait for them to get back from vacation.......You know....I'm not telling hubby that I sent an email....}:)
Geez, sounds like my DH.
Geez, sounds like my DH. Just gave ex $2,500 b.c. she was "going to lose the house". Tough I say - she blew all her $, doesn't work, gets c.s. every month, why did he do that? And he offered to pay mortgage until house sells & then get paid back. Double Geez! Turns out she needed more downpayment on rental house for vacation in August. Her house is a shambles, not going on the market any time soon, DH was a sucker & I'm left shell shocked. My suggestion to DH was this: get boys over here, our household is doing fine & we will take them til she figures things out. But no he couldn't do that. What does it take for them to see the truth? If she came into our house, it would be the same as your post, I'd be pissed, boys would think "Its my Mom", DH would be quiet.
You got it.
Your describing how alot of us feel on here. BTW dh=Darling husband. Just keep standing up for yourself, because unfortunately it's a process to get the respect you truly deserve. Your DH probably doesnt not mean to treat you like your second to the BB, but it totally does come off that way when they don't stand up for you. he will learn. The thing I have learned, is that you must stand up for yourself, weather or not anyone else will or not, because if you just let it go, then it will never end and you will basically turn into a doormat. This may cause arguments, but if Dh is committed to you, he will back you up in time. Like many men (yes, I'm stereotyping) he probably doesn't realize where the boundaries are, and you will have to show him where they are.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.-Erma Bombeck:
can you believe this????
Here is what DH received from BM in response to my email. I am not surprised, and I laugh because she is just an idiot.
"You know Al, I was really shocked and upset to get this email. It seems to me that you and I have been trying to work together on everything about the girls. We try to compromise whenever we can, and help each other out with pickups and issues. You come to my house and walk right into the bathroom without even asking. I asked Kenz if I could use the restroom, she said of course. I walked through the girls' room, used the bathroom, and walked back through their room. I stood by the front door, while they packed, talked to both you AND Carolyn. Then I was even nice enough to stop so that they can say goodbye to her. Little did I know that she was reaming them out for letting me use the bathroom. I wouldn't have stopped if I had known they were getting in trouble for such a ridiculous thing. I didn't realize I was so dangerous to the girls. Carolyn didn't need to consult her lawyer about this. Nor did she need to go to all of the trouble of setting up a new email, her ccoyle04 would have been fine, along with a simple request to urinate on the lawn instead of in the toilet would have been sufficient. The thing that bothers me most is that the girls are in trouble for a COMMON COURTESY that we ALWAYS show you when you are here!"
There are so many things that I want to say, I just don't know where to start.
Hope this makes you laugh ...
I don't have this issue with my skids BM, but my husband has this problem with my ex. My ex loves to walk in like he owns the place, sometimes early in the morning when we're still in bed (he takes our oldest son to the gym on occasion). This burns DH up to no end. DH even wanted to change our garage door access code when he found out my ex had it (my oldest son gave it to him - and the ex does often drop things off in the garage for the boys - mostly because he forgot to bring whatever it is when we did the exchange). Anyway, after months of complaining about this, it happens to come up the other day that DH has a key to BM's house!! I simply turned to him and gave him an incredulous stare. He hasn't brought up the garage door code since!
He does; however, make it a point to ignore my ex when he comes by, and if it's in the morning, DH makes sure he saunters downstairs and walks around in his boxer shorts to try to make the ex uncomfortable (which DH unfortunately does not realize is IMPOSSIBLE as my ex is oblivious to anyone but himself). Ah men - pissing on their territory as it were. Hilarious!