Adult SD hinting around
Forums:
to my DH about having a tough time with finances. "My bf can't find work, and we are close to getting kicked out of our place, blah blah blah". I'm half expecting for him to ask me if her, her bf and their damn kid can move in with us. That's how it all started with SS. I may looking for an apartment soon guys. If I say hell to the no, I'm being a bitch. If I say yes, I've learned nothing from the SS fiasco.
Any skids attempting to
Any skids attempting to return is a game changer for me. My answer would be an emphatic NO, if any of them suggest it.
Rental of one bedroom, bath
Rental of one bedroom, bath and kitchen privledges - no living or den - $1000 a month.
I do not understand why you
I do not understand why you feel like you'd be a bitch for saying no.
I said no to SS (no kid or girlfriend either) - just him. I don't feel like a bitch at all. It's a normal response.
SS called and begged to come over when his power was out - even had someone drop him off at my home. DH sent him on his way.
SS has been homeless and I've not taken him in. Why would anyone let three people move into their home? ever. Unless you live in a mansion and have live in help and even then I wouldn't want homeless waifs intruding.
You need to make this crystal clean to your DH that this is not an option - ever - not even for a day. Then he can be the one to just say no. My DH knew better than to even ask me. If I hadn't overheard DH's side of the conversation I would not even know that SS was begging to come stay with us. That's how a man with balls handles it.
You can be a bitch now
You can be a bitch now (although I don't see it as being one) or you you can be a total raving lunatic after they move in and drive you crazy. Just say no now.
I found this site because I felt guilty about saying no when my SD21 asked my husband if she, her husband, and their 2 kids could "stay" with us. I am glad I said no and saved what little sanity I have. Them living with us would not have been pretty.
It helped that my husband and I have had an agreement since day 1 that no other adult lives with us. It is just too hard on a marriage to have someone else living with you.
Yeah, I think it makes a huge
Yeah, I think it makes a huge difference when you talk about it beforehand. That is what I did. I have bleeding heart friends and relatives that told me I could never tell DH his kids could not come here. WTH? No one, not even the most patient and loving person, could live with my DH's kids, for multiple reasons. That is why BM wants them out of her place.
I think a problem could occur if it was not discussed beforehand.
This is the one thing I will
This is the one thing I will never be able to tolerate with any or all of DH's 3 kids. It would never work. We discussed this before we married. I am not going to change my mind. BM recently sent us a message through her aunt, saying that the "kids" should be allowed to come here. She spent years trashing their father to them, never set rules, and interfered and mocked DH when he tried to set boundaries. Now, she has 3 lazy and clueless young adults living with her, only one working part-time. She wants them gone. They are not coming here. They had been hinting about coming here for months; when DH did not bite, BM must have figured her message would work. Yeah-it made DH laugh.
You have to say no. Don't worry about what anyone thinks of you. The minute they move in, your life will become hell.
While I agree that I would
While I agree that I would never want to live with skids in my home, I can't help but think what if it were my bio's? What if they fell on tough times, and were about to be homeless, and worse yet, my grandchild would be homeless as well? I'm not sure I would say no to skids just because I know how much it would hurt me to have to turn away my own children, and I wouldn't want to hurt DH like that. Although it would be stressfull I would set very clear rules and boundries, and there would be a one strike and your out rule.
From what I've seen, the
From what I've seen, the biggest difference between bio kids and s-kids is in their behavior. I know I've had 11 years to get DS where he is now. I've been in SD's life for 2.5 years - but only on weekends and EO Holiday and 1/2 summer breaks. DH and I have only been married since this past summer. SD has come a long way in behaving appropriately, but it's hard to "deprogram" her from all the crap she picks up at BM's house. I feel the SD is "learning" how to be a welfare-lifer from her mom, bouncing from one relationship to another, one job to another...etc. I think that's why I would be more hesitant to bail SD out.
That said, I've seen my aunt bend over backwards to help her bio-son out and she got screwed big time! He lived there rent-free for about 2 years "getting back on his feet" before she finally made him start paying rent...a whooping $80 a month. The rent was more to instill responsibility than to offset any of the actual financial burden of supporting him. After coming home drunk and getting into a fight (she and my uncle ended up calling the cops) she finally kicked him out....however, since he was "paying rent" (he'd paid about 2 months), he was considered a "legal tenant" and she had to go through a formal eviction process!
There are many ways to support and help out adult children. DH is free to use HIS money (as long as it doesn't screw up your financial obligations - what he normally does in terms of paying the bills) or to offer to babysit (at their place, of course) the grandchild so the parents can job hunt/pick up more hours/get a 2nd job. All of these offers should have firm expiration dates! If he chooses to help out financially, have him pay the bill directly, not just give cash. He should also insist in some sort of debt counseling so s-kid and partner have a real chance at being financially independent and responsible. Make the boundaries clear - "I will do this for 3 months" or "One time only" rather than "until you're back on your feet."
I've already been through
I've already been through this with her brother. That was NO PICNIC and it was only one person! I can't even imagine THREE deadbeat losers living in my house and eating my food! 18 month old big-headed baby becoming the star of the show. I will move out. And I will take my income with me. How's that for bi***? }:)
Well, here's a little
Well, here's a little update......shit hit the fan last night. She finally asked the big question after months and months of crying around. I said NO. Dh is all butthurt over it, but I feel he will thank me later when he realizes we dodged a HUGE bullet. I offered to take the granddaughter in and give her a safe place to live while the two "grownups" figured out their next move, but no! It has to be all or nothing with these people! I guess they get nothing, then. I cannot believe they said no to their daughter being safe. WTF?