13 year old ADHD and....?

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Hi. I'm struggling with an issue I'm having with my step daughter who's 13.
She has an 11 year old sister who visits regularly again (every other weekend). Up until 2 months ago I've asked for the 13 year old to stop coming for a while until she gets help and starts her new meds. I was told she started meds last week when she had her 1st phyciatrist visit.
The 11 year old just came back from skipping 5 months. She would refuse to shower or change clothes and argue alot and then decided to just skip for a while and ignore her dad. Strangely, shes fine now and very happy and respectful at our house.
13 year old has had behavioral issues for the last year or so. Her mom said shes wondered what 13 yr o has since she was 7 but for us it's only been bad the last year. She was diagnosed with ADHD, and just got approved for a special education program and we are still waiting for what else she has mentally.
She lies flips out screams nonstop, disrespectful and lies and lies. She told her school counselor we locked her out of the house &recently told her new therapist my husband does drugs. She called her dad crying and apologizing for the lies. It's so confusing. They wanted to call CPS and my husband cleared it up before they did.
I'm currently 2 months pregnant and I'm done dealing with the screaming and disrespect in my house. Her sister is well behaved and is respectful and that's all I ask.
Her mother thinks she doesnt lie about anything yet has been suspended twice in the last month for fighting and smoking in the bathroom. Her mom keeps making excuses for her like "well she didnt inhale!"

I'm just over it and need space and no stress. This is my first baby and cant handle all this trouble. Her mom says what happens at our house is our issue ..meaning she can come over be nasty and argue w her sister ignore her dads requests and then go home to fun and games. No. Dont come over. I encourage my husband to go get her seperately and take her out. She has tried to call me the last few days and I dont want to talk. She denies everything and likes to argue! I'm over it.
I think once she matures a little and has more therapy sessions/give it more time for meds to work I'd be willing to talk. I told her mom she needs to call her father and not me! Am I wrong???

Is your DH parenting this kid

Is your DH parenting this kid in your home?

1. You are not wrong with BM - she needs to parent with your DH, not you.

2. If your DH is allowing the disrespect towards you then the problem is with him.

3. This kid clearly has issues. But she also has 2 parents that created this mess. It is not OK to just say oh well this kid is BM's problem. UNLESS your DH is trying to parent and correct and BM is sabotaging. Then he needs to take this to court and correct the situation.

4. With all of that said this kid is not your problem. Let your DH parent both skids. You step out of it. Disengage.

My husband has tried multiple

My husband has tried multiple times to talk to their mother. She has blocked him the last year. I work with her and unfortunately she always finds a way to bring the kids up when I've asked her multiple times do not talk to me about it and to talk to my husband about it. She knows I will repeat it to him and I guess that is her way of communicating but still does not communicate with him. They have talked maybe twice in the last year. They both attended this special education meeting with a school and I heard it went well and they were talking but she seems keep including me in that when I do not want to be included. My husband tries to discipline the 13 year old when she would come over but when she gets in trouble she calls her 23 year old brother to come and pick her up. She is 5 5 + 110 lb she looks like a 17 year old and does what she wants. There is absolutely no co-parenting and that's how I know that this is not going to work long-term. I've been around for almost eight years of their lives and I've put a lot of effort time and money into making sure that everything is okay with them and they are comfortable in our home. Now that I am two months pregnant I feel like this is my time and not something that I took have to even worry about I'm setting up my house for a newborn baby and I'm not going to deal with this screaming and insane Behavior with a kid that's not even mine.

There should be no way the BM

There should be no way the BM can contact you. Block her. You don't owe her anything, that is your DHs problem to handle. It they cannot communicate its on them.

As for big brother coming, again your DHs problem. Why is he allowed to take control of a minor over his father? DH problem.

He needs to start parenting this girl. When she acts up, remove her from the home. Not to BM's but away from the rest of the family. If she is disrespectful towards you he needs to stop it. Again remove her and discipline. There is no screaming, yelling, cursing, leaving without permission. None of it is acceptable. And until your DH puts the smack down on this kid it won't stop. Doesn't matter what you say or do. Period.

I get you have a baby on the way. But unless you are willing to walk away from the home there is no other choice then to fix this. Meaning your DH needs to fix it.

At the end of the day it is his child. Sure he may say she doesn't visit now but that won't be forever. And if you do nothing this will always be a problem. On and off. On and off. On and off. On and off. Until you can't take anymore and you snap.

It's true - dh needs to fix

It's true - dh needs to fix it and you need to be ready to walk if necessary.

I hate when people say "nothing should change just because you are pregnant/have a baby". It's such bullcrap.

You need rest and do NOT need to be constantly stressed out when pregnant! If you plan to nurse, constant stress WILL affect your supply/production/let down.

The baby will need sleep, lots of it. If sd is screaming/yelling/being over the top noisy it will create problems with baby. Also, if you are constantly stressed, baby will pick up on it an also be stressed.

You have to impress on your dh this crap MUST be addressed, and not just "talked about over and over and over" ad nauseam with no corrected behavior.

If not, you need to be ready to do what is best for your baby AND yourself.

I work with her

I work with her

Do you work WITH her or do the two of you work for the same company?

Unless you have to actually work WITH her, you need to put an immediate stop to these conversations. "BM, this is not work-related." If she persists, WALK AWAY or HANG UP. If this shizzit continues, I would go over her head to HR or her boss.

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