Are we a Secret to the Skids?
I love my SS sooo much but I cannot stand to be in the presence of him and BM at the same time.
SS was chosen as Student of the Month at school for May. Today was the assembly where he got up in front of the whole school and got his certificate.
So H and I make cupcakes for SS class to have later today. H and I got to the assembly and BM already there. H takes juice and cupcakes to the classroom and I got get a seat. I sit behind BM so when SS is up there he can look in one direction for pictures. I am nice to her and speak and she does not even turn around just nods her head. H comes and sits by me and when she sees H she said I can scoot over if ya'll want to sit up front so we move up front. Kids start coming in and we see SS. I smile big and wave real big and so does H. SS would not waive, smile, or even look at us but instead he was looking at his mom and not smiling at her either but sort of checking her mood. After he got his certificate the kids were in hall getting picture for paper so we went and took pictures. I was nice and took BM camera and took picture of her and SS. I then took picture of H and SS with my camera. SS was real stand-offish with H and I both but not really hanging on mom either rather just standing by her like he had been told previously to stand next to her.
SS has to go back to the assembly and we leave. I ask H how was SS to him when he took the cupcakes to his room and H said oh he was hugging on me and picking and playing with me and telling all the kids we had brought cupcakes. So when mom is not around it is good to go to love my dad.
That hurts so bad to see that and in BM's eyes she has stated that SS does not hug or love on us because he does not like us we are too hard on him blah blah blah. Well SS was not hanging on BM but rather sitting by her like obediant dog. It is sad that SS feels like he cannot show his true love for his dad in front of his mom for fear of mom being mad at him. He has told us before that she tells him you love your dad more. Now I can see him holding out a bit on the way he loves on me in her presence out of respect for her but not dad.
When SS was younger like 3 or 4 he would run and jump on his dad in front of her and thought nothing of it. But now as he has gotten older and knows how she can explode and knows what makes her tic he acts as though he his dad is not even there and focuses in on her to keep things at bay.
So bottom line I feel like SS has to keep the life, love, and happiness that he has with us a secret to keep his mom from getting mad. It is just not fair. SS knows why he does this to keep mom at bay but as he gets older will he realize how awful she was for making him feel this way? I mean SS has even prayed at night on numerous occasions please let StepG have a baby and let my mom know that I will love that baby and my little brother the same! Why would he even think about loving one more than the other he is only 8! Why, because BM has said it before.
I know her crap comes from insecurity in herself, her relationship with her son, her actions towards her son's father, her actions towards her son about his father, and herself as a mother. If they are her insecurities why does it upset me so? Because it affects SS that is why.
I feel just so wore out emotionaly!
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Comments
I know where you are on this
My SS is the same way, or was. When BM was around, he would act like he didn't know us only because he was afraid of how she would react. He got in big trouble from BM and her mother a couple of years ago because he called me mom one time. But he's getting to the point now that he is tired of BM's ineptitude and comes over to talk to us now. Even giving me hugs and calling me mom without worrying about what BM thinks. It was completely his choice to call me mom. His sister calls me mom-may (with a little girlfriend head movement). BM fumes each time they do. When it's our weeks and she comes around to an event, she practically jumps up and down to get their attention. But when it's her weeks and we show up at an event, both kids run over and give us hugs and joke around.
I can understand why your SS is hesitant. I would be too if I knew I was going to get in big trouble for that. It's sad that they are torn up inside like that. Just remember what it's like when she's not around and take comfort in that. It may get to the point that he's tired of it all and does what HE wants to do.
I know exactly what you mean.
It is uncomfortable for all of us when we are all in the same room. SS gets all quiet... and awkward.
Last week at the Mothers Day breakfast was the worst. I had all of the kids (my 2BD's and SS) and BM was meeting us at the school (yay...NOT!) SS was good all morning, laughing and being silly just like every other day before school. THe SECOND we got to the school and he knew we were waiting for BM his mood changed. Like he didn't want her to walk up and see him in a good mood around me. He didn't say ONE WORD the whole breakfast and GOD FORBID if he actually made any kind of eye contact with me. So, me being ME... I was in front of them in line, I poured 3 glasses of Apple Juice, one for each of my kids... I put the food on his plate, I led them where to sit... I took his back pack off of him and put it up... with his sisters stuff. After all, it was still OUR mornig with him. It was obvious that BM felt like a third wheel. And maybe that was wrong of me to do considering it was "mothers day" but there is no reason I should have to act any different just because SHE is there, and he needs to learn the same.
DiSbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )
BM in my life told the counselllor the other day that she is
scared we will take SS15 months and that why BM is fighting to stop the increased access. No matter what we say she believes we are out to get her!!
StepG
Unfortunately, the crap BM's give the kids does this. If we are anywhere with SD's and BM shows up, they immediately pull away from us. They are afraid to show us love in front of BM, especially toward me. But at home they hug and snuggle with both of us.
It's sad for them that they feel like they have to hide their affection when the parents are around each other. It's part of the PAS that a lot of BM's pull.
~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.
My SS's are 10 and 11
They will not even acknowledge me in her presence. They act like I am a complete stranger. Seriously a stranger...in fact, they woudl probably be nicer to a stranger than they are to me...
Sometimes I feel like yelling as we part ways, "Good-bye boys, I cant wait to cook and clean for you next week!".
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
I like
the good-bye you would shout. If I yelled that out my SS would feel bad as he knows he is not acknowledging us and BM would be smart a** about it and have a comment herself. None the less it is funny to picture myself yelling that out over my shoulder as H is leading me away!
my ss is 4
and he use to treat me this way. He did not even acknowledge that i was there when we would drop him off, and the time i had to get him from her because fh was at work, he cried and didnt talk to me for 5-10 minutes after we left the parking lot. bm has told fh more than once that she feels that im trying to replace her and take her son away. to which my fh replies, that is your issue not ours, and if you are too insecure to see that your son knows who his mother is then i pitty you.
My ss has said on numerous occasions that his mother has told him stuff, sm is not your parent dont listen to her, sm is mean to mommy, sm took daddy from mommy (even though she had a bf the day she moved out) anyways, of all the issues we have i was able to get over this one because i knew it was because of her! I never said anything even though it pissed me off because i do soooooooooo much for him and he shows how much he loves me when she is not around.
my solution was that when he treated me like that, i would not do as much for him and he figured it out on his own. He now is much better because he knows that if he wants to be treated extra nice he needs to be nice and considerate to me.
once though, i dated a guy with a 7d and 9s, and they loved me sooo much and appreciated me sooo much that they didnt care about their mothers attacks, they told her everything i did for them, and i was glad that it actually helped he become a better mother. Also, when we were all around each other, they ignored her and introduced me to all their friends...i felt sorry for her, but it felt great to be appreciated!
Happens all the time!
Unfortunately I think that most skids go through this. And it happens even when there is no PAS happening. DH and I never told the girls (SD14 and 11) that they couldn't talk to their mom or acknowledge her when they were with us but they did it anyway. I think that they have a general fear when it comes to being around all four of us. Why, I don't know but that's the way it is with us. We even made a point to tell them that they could go up and hug her and talk to her and STILL they woulnd't. I don't get it - and I don't think I ever will!
Why would you ask them to do
such thing? :?
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
oh I don't
doubt there is PAS here. I do not think it is so much about me as it is about H. It has been 6 years since they divorce move the hell on already BM. She has a kid with another man who is now 2. Funny she only acts out bad to H when her BF is not there. When BF is there she is either nice or say nothing at all. All she ever brings up is their past. Get over it...ya'll were not meant to be together, H is not the same person now that he was when he was with you. Funny because her current BF use to be so calm and nice and now he is a major hot head and tried to hit H on 2 occasions. H use to be hot head like that when with her. I know BM says horrible things to SS or in SS presence about his dad. I know it hurts SS because he really does love his dad. SS has told us some of the things she says about H and we have heard her with our own ears do it. H and I try to combat the PAS with being honest with SS and encouraging him to love his mom and treat her with the respect he treats us. Yes SS is very disrespectful to his mom but that is because she is that way to him. H has always told SS that he and mom both did bad things to each other when married and it was both of their faults. I think in SS's mind he wants us to all be there for his stuff but he knows in reality that his mom will be bad mood 95% of the time thus not allowing him to enjoy the event. SS on Mother's Day before BM came to get him said I sure hope mom is in a good mood today I am tired of her being mad all the time.
SS bites his nails well that has turned in to almost chewing his fingers. He is down to the raw meat in several places on his fingers. H and I have paid close attn to this and he only does this when nervouse or something going on with BM. We going for 50/50 time court in July. We asked about SS seeing a counselor and lawyer said BM would have to agree. Well of course she not going to agree she does not want anybody to know what is going on. I could just go on and on.