question about potty training?
ok, so i love that ive found this site to vent and see what other are doing who have to deal with the same stuff as me, but i am hoping that i can also get advice on parenting stuff since i dont yet have kids of my own!
my ss is 4 and i have been in his life since he was about 2 and a half. potty training soon became an issue, and we talked to bm and tried to be consistent to keep things moving along. i made him a jar that was decorated with all his favorite stuff and put in the jar stickers, bubbles, and little toys so that if he used the potty he got rewarded. my fh asked bm if she wanted one so we could be on the same page, and i made her one. come to find out she gave him all the stuff and threw it away.
anyways... he is now 4 (well in 2 weeks) and he still has accidents, mainly with number 2. he pees the bed everynight, so we have him sleep with pull ups. i bought the cooling ones recently thinking the feeling would wake him up and he wouldnt like it so he would go to the toilet...but instead he peed more and informed me that it wasnt "that" cold for him.
so, bm calls fh every two weeks to yell that we let him sleep with a pull up, because at her house she lets him wear underwear, and he doesnt pee the bed, so when we let him sleep in underwear here, he pees the bed everytime! and he tells me that he does at his moms too!
ive been told that boys take longer, and that he will just have to decide on his own that he doesnt want to pee the bed anymore. we have cut off liquids starting at 7pm, and leve the light on in the hallway so he can see.
are we doing the wrong thing by letting him sleep in a pull up? is there anything else we can do that will help?
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We also
tried getting ss up after he had been in bed for a couple of hours. However, that was really hard because he slept so tight, he didn't even want to wake up then.
We put a covered the mattress in a waterproof zipper thing but we also used pull ups. This was just for #1 accidents. Ss didn't have #2 problems at night.
I started throwing a fit when ss wasn't even being started to be potty trained when he turned 3. It was mainly laziness on the part of Bm. It was easier for her to change diapers than to keep taking ss to the potty.
Anyway, at this same time Bm had a violent boyfriend living with her and I think that might have had some affect on ss's issues.
I think that the bed wetting stopped about two week after the violent boyfriend and Bm split up and ss had just started kindergarten. I don't know if it was a coincidence or not.
Dawn
i thought about doing that
getting him up and making him go, but he throws a fit. and my fh is amazing with me and always does whatever he needs to in order to respect me and our relationship, but his fault is that when it comes to ss, i am the only one that is proactive about this suff. he feels that if bm is going to un do all that we try to accomplish, why loose sleep over it. so its been me getting up and trying to get him to go, but he just throws a fit. and then i ask myself, why are you stressing out? his father and bm should be doing this!
he actually, has the #2 problem durring the day (still at 4) this is weird to me. but the day care lady told me that he does it at his moms and she always says, its okay it was an accident, and ss makes her promise not to tell bm's live in bf. he has started doing this with me and telling me, please dont tell my daddy i was bad.
I also woke up every night
I also woke up every night at midnight and made my son get up to go potty. He slept in underwear. I did it for 2 months, slowing moving the time back a half hour at a time, every few days, until eventually he made it through the night
He was completely trained with no accidents by 3 yrs 1 month.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Smnikki
It has been my experience as a nanny that boys take longer to potty train. Also, my co-worker has a little boy who is almost 4 1/2 and he still has accidents frequently.
It probably doesn't help that BM isn't being consistent. I don't see anything wrong with SS wearing a pull up to bed. I surely wouldn't want to clean up a pee pee mess every morning.
sometimes
i realize that i have really high expectations for ss because he is so smart! thanks you for the info!
Girls and boys
Girls and boys are different when it comes to potty training. After potty training a zillion kds I can say that it is most unusual for a male child not to be trained by the time they are 3 and a female child by the time they are 2. If the child goes to day care they are normally trained a lot sooner than the stay at home kds.
Daycare definitely helps PT
Daycare definitely helps PT them sooner.
My co-worker's child bounces around between 2 grandmothers and her DH for care during the day (he is a firefighter, so schedule is wacko) and I think this is the major issue why he is not PT'd yet. But he is better now and gets himself up at night to go to the bathroom. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
so then..
at 4, im not expecting too much that he should be potty trained? he has gone to day care for at leats the last 2 years, and even the daycare lady says shes fed up with him peeing during nap time!
I think
it is a little odd to be peeing during nap time. I don't think ss did that very often. However, I don't think you're expecting too much for him to be potty trained at 4 but at night all bets are off. Some kids will continue to have that problem even though they are perfectly potty trained during the day. I don't think he should be having many #2 accidents though, at his age.
Like someone else said, if Bm isn't on board it's going to be hard but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Just keep in mind what you up against.
Dawn
wow
my fh is the one that will make sure that ss not only flushes, but puts the seat down because there is a lady in the house! unfortunatly for my fh, his mom who has been married 7 times by the way, has been his only parenting influnece on mattes like this, and she like the bm you are dealing with wants to keep ss a baby.
you mention the fast food. I commute every day an hour each way because i didnt want to cause any moving changes for my ss, but when i get home, EVERY night we have him i make dinner, i refuse to give him fast food! however, bm gives him flamming hot cheetos and he is afraid to poop and becomes stopped up in fear of the pain and then we have to see him in pain and have to give him laxitives.
Ok
that bowel problem right there could be some of the cause of his #2 accidents.
Dawn
I doubt this will stop
because Blabb is almost 9 and she still pees and poops on herself... asleep and awake!
BM and DH think it's perfectly normal.
You've got to be kidding here....
pees and poops..?? WTF......
ASLEEP AND AWAKEEEEEEEEEE
GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
have a doctor said anything about this odd behavior... especially with number 2?
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
Okay guys here is my advice
Okay guys here is my advice take it for what it is worth, but my SS who just turned 5 wears a pull up to bed also because boys and girls are different and I have been reading about this and the book I am reading says that if he is still wetting at the age of 7 then take him to a doctor to have his urine checked to rule out any medical issues. Also the book does talk about setting an alarm for the child but only if the child is talked to about the alarm and agress to get up, because this is about the childs choice and pushing the issue will only cause more problems. My SS also had and sometimes still has accidents at nap it is for the same reason they do not know when they have to go because they are sleeping, they can not control their bladder when they are asleep, it is like an adult being super drunk. This is not the childs fault at all. My SS is getting much better and did have issues about #2 also, the only place he would go is at our house, since we have won placement things are better, so yes consistance has a LOT to do with it. MY SS still has poop accidents at BMs house, she tell DH this, I have no idea why, I would not admit that. But with DH and myself my SS is able to go to the bathroom where ever we are, so do not give up or get mad, I know that is hard, I have been there and still have to wash the sheets and spray the bed at least once a month, but it is not their fault. I will keep the pull ups on until he can sleep through the night dry, it is not telling them they are a baby if you do not make it out that way, I just do not want to wash sheets everyday, or clothes and it is no fun waking up in your own piss all wet. SO you are doing the right thing with the pull ups and contiue with making potty time fun, it will work out in the end!!!
That is my issue right now...
but... with my OWN son... I feel soooo lost in the potty subject.... he is only 18 months old though...
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
Potty training in one or two houses
I have done this both ways, all ages, both sexes, multiple homes or one home.
And I have to say....
That the bigger deal we make out of when they are trained often the longer it takes to accomplish. My oldest BS wore pullups to preschool at age 3. At home he was having accidents of both kinds- day or night so I thought he still needed them. Then one day his preschool teacher said, "Hey- why are you wearing those on him? He uses the potty ALL day here!" Little sh*t! He was performing perfect potty etiquette at school, then coming home and being lazy about it. So we finally had him in underwear during the day. However, at night we couldn't get him to wake up to go. When he was 7, my exh insisted that Pullups were what was holding him up at night, so we took him out of them. For the next year he wet the bed-SOAKED it every night, no matter when we cut off fluids, or he last went to the bathroom. SOAKING WET sheets, pjs, had to add a bath to the morning routine in the middle of trying to get the boys breakfast to school/daycare, and me to work/school.
So after ONE FULL YEAR in underwear at night at BOTH houses with everyone on the exact same consistent page...
He was still waking SOAKED EVERY MORNING. ARGHHHHHH!
So SM and I had a little pow-wow and much to exH's chagrin, we overruled him. He had no choice but to comply as he left for work at 6am, and never had to deal with it on a day he had to fly out the door for work like SM and I did. We put BS BACK into pullups at age 8.
He wore them for about 4 more months then announced unsolicited one night- "Don't need those anymore." He wore underwear from then on.
His little brother potty trained automatically in the daytime by 2 and a half (what a relief b/c his daycare makes the kids leave if they aren't done which I find really stupid personally- what kind of pressure does THAT add to the situation?
But he still wore them at night, and by the time BS 14 had been back in pullups the second time those 4 months, BS 11 was adamant he needed them too. The night that BS 14 announced he was done, BS 11 said he was too. I think there was some sort of little brother solidarity going on there.
SD was 9 when I met her and STILL in pullups at night. She would hide her sheets and wet pullups in her room or the bathroom, OR toss them right into the garbage can without putting them in a bag first (poor trash collector!) That did not remedy itself until right after we got FC when she was 12. Then she was done completely with wetting every night, though she had maybe 3 accidents total the past 2 years. I think that one was completely psychological and BM helped to keep her stuck by her horrid reaction (she wouldn't let SD wash her sheets, nor would she wash them for her. She thought that leaving her in stinking urine soaked sheets would "teach her" not to wet the bed.)
Anyway...
This wordy response brings me to BD 3. I have now FOUR times essentially done the potty training dance (not to be confused with the potty dance which I still gladly do whenever BD 3 asks me to as a reward for her accomplishments.) With BD 3 I felt that pressure once more, that disapproval from others who lucked out with Potty genius kids or grand kids, or have all the answers about the right age, method, how we are lazy if we don't enforce the strictest of potty basic training-regimental style. So I tried at 2 and she thought it was a novel idea. Until the novelty wore off and she refused to cooperate. By age 3 I decided I was once again headed to potty training failure and set it aside for a bit.
Then I found the most brilliant advice on a site for MDs about ruling out potty training issues fro medical/psych ones. It said-
STOP taking them, stop reminding them, stop insisting they go, stop waking them, stop forcing them.
Put underwear on them and say, "You can pee in these or in the potty. Your choice." And let them bear the consequences of that choice. ONLY work on Peeing if your child is resistant to the training. If they want to poop in a diaper tell them to let you know and you'll put one on them. Otherwise they will hold it for a week or longer, and risk terrible constipation (BD did this even with the diaper offer the first week.)
She peed in her underwear at home once or twice, then RAN to the potty and with success after success we have invented a whole repertory of potty based songs. And within one week we had complete success at home, while still using pullups on the road (after changing poopy and peed in underwear at the grocery store not once but FOUR times in one trip I gave up and relented to pullups on the road.)
She got sick with a pretty bad cold and regressed a few weeks later. I pulled the pullups back out and made no big deal of it. Since then we have actually stuck with pullups because...
SHE DOESN'T WET OR POOP in them during the day. But they do lend her a little lead time toward running to the potty AND we have been on the go daily anyway.
I don't honestly think pullups are the problem. I think they offer those of us who's kids are a little more challenging in potty areas a back up that can be a training aid.
My SIL's BD 3, who was born 3 weeks after my BD was, has been potty trained in underwear all day and at night since the week she turned 2. My SIL didn't really orchestrate this, her BD did. She was instantly in love with the potty and underwear. It was a glorious thing. But the other day as my BD rambled onto SIL on the phone, with the coherence and savvy of a of a 6 year old, my SIL told me she would give up her D being potty trained in an instant, to hear her speak so well. Her daughter has a limited vocabulary and no one outside of SIL and BIL can understand her.
I think (and who am I but just a mom) that kids develop and travel through milestones at their own pace. And if you have a kid who is singing the alphabet, wonder pets theme, signing some letters all the while, drawing complete stick figures, and able to play board games at 3...then perhaps potty is not high on her milestone agenda at the moment.
Sorry this response was obscenely long. But I sincerely wish everyone would give themselves and the kids a break. I now have teens and I PROMISE you, their potty training years are NOTHING compared to the joys of "Independent Thinking" "Morality, Values, and making Smart Choices" and "Figuring out who and what the hell you are in the real world" lessons that await you!
GOODLUCK!
"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I