Not my kid...Not my problem..
Sooooo...Step Snot was "missing" last night for several hours...She takes a bus to and from school and the bus ride is about an hour each way..Needless to say her middle school is along way from home..She gets the bus at 6:30 am and is usually home around 4:00pm..
The bus drops her off at the other end of a large field behind our house and I can actually watch her get off the bus and walk to the house..I used to do that,at DH's request to make sure she wasn't "hanging out" with her friends because she is supposed to be "grounded" from socializing after school. I stopped doing that and haven't for a long time.
Well, come home time comes and goes and at 4:30 pm I call DH at work to inform him that the Step Snot hasn't come through the door yet. He says to "give it another half an hour and he will be home"..Okay..She is supposed to be "grounded" and had one of my children not come home after school I would have been looking for them immediately, not giving them an extra half an hour to disobey me.But...His kid..His problem..
He gets home at 5:00 pm and still no step snot..So he freaks out and goes to all her friends houses. They saw her get off the bus but haven't seen her..He wants me to go drive around the post to see if I can find her at a play ground or something and he will wait at home in case she comes in..I just casually tell him "Nope, I need to help (insert our sons name here) with his home work and finish getting dinner ready."
He spends another few hours "freaking out" and even calls the MP's who are also hunting for her at this point and he is going door to door asking if neighbors have seen her. I, on the other hand, am cool as a cucumber and just going about my own business with my own kids..My kids were where they were supposed to be and doing what they were supposed to be doing..His kid..His problem..
He is freaking out and saying things like "what if she was taken"..What if this..what if that...I told him that I was sure she was fine and at someones house..(We live on a small lock down post in rural Bavaria Germany there isn't exactly a "kidnapping" danger here and she did get off the bus less then half a block from home.) I bit my tongue because "As if I could get that lucky?!!" Almost rolled off my tongue..But, kudo's for me..I didn't say it!!
Yep, she comes rolling through the door at a bit after 8..She made a new friend at school and went to hang out at her house. Of course her excuse is "My friend was upset and needed me. I was being a good friend!" Whatever..
He comes to me with "what should WE do about this?" (Baiting me to be the bad guy.) I said "We? I don't know dear what are YOU going to do about this?" He actually mildly raised his voice at her!! (I was shocked!!)
Of course he did what he always does..Provided her a half an hour lecture and a few threats and that was about it..When he started his nauseating "do nothing but run his mouth" routine..I took my son upstairs to watch a movie because I just can't stomach listening to it anymore or looking at her sitting there with that smug look on her face. He was shocked to note that I exited the area with out ONE COMMENT...
Step Snot heads to her room and does her "dramatic and loud crying routine". Her room is right next to ours. He comes upstairs afterward and says "Is everything okay?" (This is another bait where he wants me to criticize how he dealt with step snot. So he can be an ass to me and take out his frustration and anger on someone other than her.)I respond casually, "Yeah I'm just fine.. Oh and can you please close the door we can't hear our movie.."
He just stood there for a few seconds with blank and shocked look on his face..(Nope I am not taking your bait dear so you might as well give up.) And shut the door...Not my kid...Not my problem...
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My SD does this too. She
My SD does this too. She goes down to her room crying, a fake cry, no tears at all. Then she is sure to keep her door open and be extremely loud.
My H used to go down to her room after a while. But a few years ago I told him that was enough. She was faking it and deserved the tongue lashing she got. So I would keep him in conversation and as soon as he got up I warned him---you will be doing this the rest of your life. She is playing you becuz she knows just how to get what she wants--all kids do this manipulation.
So now, for a while now, he has not came down to her level. She gets mad, goes in her room and is over it in under 5 mins.
It sounds like you have disengaged. I have to a point, or when things get to stressful. But I could not let him keep going to her, it was really irratating.
I could have written your post- WORD FOR WORD
including the part where DH tries to bait me after the fact to comment on his "parenting" attempts. And like you, I've gotten very adept at side-stepping and shutting down.
I feel very "stepford-like".
"Why, NOTHING'S wrong, dear!" I tell him with my plastic smile on my face, "can I get you something to drink?"
What crap.
I bet your are SO looking forward to moving back to the States!
Not that it will change his behavior (or hers) but at least you feel like you won't be so isolated from your immediate family. And your options will greatly increase...
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Good for YOU!
Oddly enough, by giving up control you are gaining control! Yes, let DH deal with his own brat...it'll only get worse.
The more DH sees "normal" with you and son, the more he will get pissed off that he is left dealing with Stepsnot's garbage. So let him deal with it. ALL of it! Only then wil you give him the chance to discover for himself that he needs to put his foot down and become a parent.
In the meantime, have a grand time with your son and keep smiling!
SD13 for the longest time
SD13 for the longest time didn't scream and cry while being disciplined. She would glare, look at her feet, mumble and walk out without a second glance. H would start to feel bad a few days later and take her out for junk food. I would get so frustrated with him for giving in/giving up and not following through. And SD13 knows if she pouts long enough she will get her way.
After months and months of bad treatment from SD13, I disengaged myself from any kind of parenting roll in my home. It's all on H now. All I do is warn him of how a 13 y/o girl is going to react and the rest is on him. The last time she got into trouble, I warned him.......she is going to pull out the water-works to get her way with you. You can either give in and let her have her way or stay strong and be consistent.
So he sits her down to discuss her latest sins and can you believe it.....the crying begins. He just turned around and looked at me with wonder in his eyes. He dealt with her, gave her the punishment he felt was fair and has been sticking to it and not altering the terms. Everytime he decides maybe he should relent, he comes to me and I remind him the biggest difference between H and BM is consistency. I can't make this decision for you and YOU need to decide if you're going to see this through. You are going to have to decide how YOU want SD to treat you and the rules/guidelines you've established.
So far, so good. This is the first time in two years he has followed through with his originally stated punishment for SD.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy
Junk Food is a reward...
You know?? I think what is most irritating about this whole situation is that DH does not disipline or punish step snot. His brand of punishment and correction is a 30 minute lecture (half the time off topic), a few threats, ect. Now when he does, rarly, "punish" her its so grossly leniant that its laughable and then he doesn't even follow through with that!!
The water works is because she was sent to her room for a whole half an hour...(Ewwwww..careful now such strictness can be misconstruded as abuse..LOL) She just does it to try to make her dad feel bad for getting after her.
And yes, DH does the "junk food" thing also...In my parental opinion "junk food" (burgers ect) is a "treat" and a "reward" not dinner!! So he will "correct" her or "punish" her and then turn right around and buy "drive through" for the entire family, including HER. TO me that is "rewarding" her...If it was MY kid she would be having a sandwich why the rest of the family enjoyed "junk food".
Sorry for the long reply....
The Mickey D's, BK or DQ rewards were driving me nuts. I was constantly pointing out that his junk food band aid was turning his daughter into an emotional eater. When H got custody and she moved in I kept finding empty cracker boxes and ice cream containers in the garbage. I once bought a package of cookies for lunches and the next day the empty box was in the garbage. Neither me or my H are big snackers, so unless the cats grew thumbs the only one eating the junk in excess was SD13.
H blew off my warnings about her eating habits and but would voice concerns to me about her weight gain. I said you can't tell her she's fat but you can STOP buying her crap to eat and STOP taking her to fast food places. One night after a bad day they walked to the store and he bought her frozen yogurt with chocolate sauce and m&ms on top. That's what she ate for dinner that night.
Again....he complained to me about her weight. I said ENOUGH, don't talk to me anymore about this!!! You buy her fried food and ice cream, cookies and high fat crackers, pick her up from school when it's only 4 blocks away, then b**ch because she's gaining weight?? He said should I say something to her? I looked at him like he was nuts.....YOU want to tell a 13 y/o GIRL going through PUBERTY that she's fat? When you're the one feeding her emotional needs with garbage and no exercise? Are you NUTS?
So her next counseling session, he brings up his concerns about her weight and lack of exercise with the counselor (SD wasn't in the room) and she tells him the EXACT SAME THINK I'VE BEEN SAYING FOR MONTHS. She told him to stop buying junk food, encourage healthier snacks, make her walk home every day (she walks to school...why not home?) and stop buying food treats to heal emotional wounds or as rewards. That dad is turning kid into an emotional eater, and he's teaching her to turn to food to make her feel better.
I was so pissed when he got home and told me this. Hello....emotional eater here....I know the signs and fight them every day. He apologized and said he needed to spend more time listening to me because every time I give him advice and he puts up walls because he thinks I'm picking on the kid. But he takes the same problem to SD's counselor and she (100% of the time) gives him the same advice I've been giving him all along. Well DUH.
There are times I wonder how my H who is so smart can be so damn stupid.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy