Predictability...I'm lost without it.
BM is so unpredicatble. It comes with the territory, I know. She's diagnosed bipolar and as I so warmly refer to her everchanging mood as the swinging pendulum.
I never know what to think and rarely do I get it right. I don't know why I bother really. Maybe it's my unwavering need to try, try, try to understand where she's coming from. I don't know. I'm just so confused half the time.
I got an email from BM this morning and I don't know what to think of it. It comes on the heels of her and I getting in a bit of a tiff and her and DH in a little bit of a bigger one. Over nothing really, but DH and I refused to engage in a full blown argument over her trying to be a martyr when no one (and I mean no one) needs her to be.
So...anyways. The email was titled "I better get this back" and was one of those that you're supposed to forward to all your friends including the sender. It was a story about a guy who saved another guy (blah, blah, blah) and the deed ended up coming back ten fold with the highlighted moral to the story being "What goes around comes around..." The signature of the email referred to sending it "to everyone you consider A FRIEND..."
It's just so random.
Is she insinuating that I have some sort of karmatic experience waiting for me in the future? Does she consider that good or bad?
Or is it her way of trying to mend the bridge that she (only slightly) burned recently.
Or does it mean absolutley nothing?
I can honestly say I don't have the slightest clue because she is so predictably unpredictable.
Maybe DH is right. Maybe I am BM obsessed. But I think it has less to do with her and more to do with the fact that I just can't control certain aspects of my life. Or maybe its that I always seem to think there is good in ALL people and everytime she extends an olive branch, I let go of my anger a little more. Maybe there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. But then I'm just as guilty of what I always accuse him of...giving her the benefit of the doubt. Around we go again and here I am, as paranoid as she is. I can't take anything at face value when it comes to her.
Ugh. I wish I could learn to be like my superior counterpart and just not give a shit.
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Comments
Bipolarette
As I call her- DH's BM is very unpredictable as well, but the more crap she pulls, I have actually been able to come up with 3 or 4 possible scenarios to her dramatic bullshit..She changes moods like the wind and it's almost impossible to deal with her in any way. She's whacked bottom line..Trying to figure them out is a big waste of time..
Is your BM diagnosed?
Not that it's a free pass or anything, but shouldn't that at least be enough reason to not COMPLETELY write them off as "whacked".
I just think with better understanding, it allows us to better diverge any unnecessary outbursts. I actually take comfort in BM's diagnosis...otherwise she's just a bitch.
I don't know. Maybe I'm going crazy myself.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Yes-she was
diagnosed years ago.. with bipolar and depression, she was supposed to be on meds but got off them almost immediately according to DH
Yikes.
BM went off her meds and was a COMPLETE disaster. It was an actual freak show. There was no rationlizing with her whatsoever. She figured out a long time ago that it was in her best interest to stay on her meds. She's actually bearable on them.
I can't imagine going back to those days.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
email
It doesn't mean anything. I would not say that you are obsessed, but maybe just over analyzing. People fill up my email box with that crap too and I don't think they even read it before they forward it on.
Good point...
I am the queen of over analyzing...but she is the queen of insinuating...
It's just random. The emails she sends me are so far and few between. The last one (a few months ago) was one of those "Getting to know you" emails and all her responses were referencing either her marriage to DH or mimicked DH's favorite things (like sports teams, etc.) and I was so unbelievably annoyed by the whole ordeal, I reciprocated the same shit.
But you're right...I am probably reading WAY too much into it. She is
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Make a "special" folder for
her emails.. That way you don't even need to look at them if you don't want to, kind of like junk mail lol.. Then if you feel like it, sometime you can read the emails or just delete them all in their entirety :o)
Well, i wouldn't read anything into the email
a lot of people just forward those emails to everyone in their contact lists and really don't pay attention to who it goes to.
I would delete and not give it one more second of thought.
hi I wouldn't look into to
hi
I wouldn't look into to much, I had a boss the was bipolar, and everyday you didnt know if he was happy or upset until he opened his mouth, The world was either crashing in and it was everyone else s fault, or the world was a wonderful paradise, and he loved us all so much.
It really reminds me of him because when he was good, he always sent out these emails, like he was trying to connect everyone.
Also when I was on good terms with BM I added her to my family email list as a gesture to include her.
I was obsessed with my BM for a while also, but it passes. Tomorrow is another day.
"I am the queen of over
"I am the queen of over analyzing...but she is the queen of insinuating..."
My kindred!
But, I completely understand because it's hard not to take anything a BP or BPD person does personally, as they take EVERYTHING- negative, positive, insignificant, non-existent- PERSONALLY. If it's good then they did it, if it's bad then you did it, if it hurts you they didn't mean it and if it hurts them you totally intended it to be so.
They swing through their moods, slamming them into everyone else, thereby releasing them and feeling refreshed while you are sitting there with the emotional wind knocked out of you, or seething in their projected and conveniently absorbed anger.
SD's psychologist always said BM and SD were predictably unpredictable. It makes sense to. And though I think we are both pretty laid back and accepting of people's flaws, with these felines we are in a war zone dodging their crazy bullets.
I'd be tempted to send one back I got from a friend once, that goes on and on about how you will not face bad luck, sudden death or acne if you don't forward it to all the people in your address book.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Do you ever start to think...
that their "disorder" is actually contagious so to speak? Like our reactions tend to counteract their everchanging mood, making OUR mood swings just as extreme and wavering?
I'm guilty of comparing our reactionary reflexes and worrying that it's indicative of a mental defect on my part. I literally get paranoid where she's involved. I question myself and morph into another person who has all her defenses up and questioning otherwise harmless intentions.
I am not the same person at all when it comes to her.
By the way I love:
"They swing through their moods, slamming them into everyone else, thereby releasing them and feeling refreshed while you are sitting there with the emotional wind knocked out of you, or seething in their projected and conveniently absorbed anger."
What a lovely written way to put it.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
YES- wait one more thing
And the Eggshells book covers that well, and I need to read it again now that my Polyanna is gone since the last read SD was in TX. My non-stressed state (which took a week or so to really kick in after she left) was like a DRUG- a nice bit of opiate per say.
Hmmmm....or perhaps buttery nipple.
Or perhaps the summer sun was giving me a much needed shot of Vit D plus my stressed out adrenals got to exhale into a yoga pose.
Who knows? I have been toying with that contagious thing and actually was going to post about it myself tomorrow.
I wrote on my blog today (I think it was mine) that I keep reaching a point thinking I'm as crazy as SD.
But I WASN'T before this. I was calm. I was peaceful. I never even had PMS before now. Even when my thyroid was hyper to the point of potentially CRASHING, I had a positive outlook 90 percent of the time. EVEN when my heart was broken and torn into pieces I could think positively about life, my future etc. And I also stayed pretty calm for a long while after meeting and moving in with DH and SD.
Then I got pregnant with BD.
SD started her period.
And we got custody, putting wildly hormonal SD with me constantly.
It could be as simple as having a bunch of her teen hormones competing with my hormones. And BMs hormones were in the mix for a while as SD's poor hormones were trying to pick who to model after/cycle with (I won. I bragged to DH that my hormones were stronger than BMs. But now I feel mine are mimicking both of them.)
And I think the puppy got it. SD told me tonight (she started and her mood switched night and day- she was LAUGHING with me tonight) that she thought the dog could tell that she was going to start. Hmmmmm....could be and Maggie knew it was a bad vibe. Some dogs predict seizures, Maggie predicts the crazed PMDD of a BP/Borderline SD. I think I'll go hug the pup again!
Maybe it IS environmental....
it's a feasible concept...and it really does make sense.
I'm not as "zen" as you...I can fluctuate between being happy, calm, sad or whatever and I am guilty at times of being extreme in the way I felt but it was all relevant to what was going on around me. I was also quick to recover and could easily rationalize with myself to calm my reaction.
But this bouncing back and forth and living crisis to crisis has me perplexed. I don't handle it very well and go into complete panic mode when BM starts acting up. It's all reactionary on my part...
Ugh. One day it really won't matter to me. What will I have to worry about then?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
"One day it really won't
"One day it really won't matter to me. What will I have to worry about then?"
NOTHING!
I have always had crisis in my life. My family has been magnetic for trauma. But it seemed to prep us well. REAL trauma I mean. Deaths. Paralysis. Stuff from movie plots.
But this seems to be harder I think because it is, like you said, CREATED drama (wasn't that you?) Crisises for the sake of feeling important. Drama because calm feels scary. It really pisses me off at times. I worked through my demons for the most part. But it's like I'm going through adolescence WITH her, FOR her. She's dragging me IN, pulling me under to drown with her.
I already did this crap. I already felt this pain. I don't need it and I was in a fabulous place- despite health challenges that could have killed me. Despite really loses friends to early and unfair deaths. And in spite of giving all of myself to a man who couldn't do the same for me (which felt like a death to be truthful.) AND I was still positive and happy and beautiful and fulfilled.
But this stuff? I think it'll be the end of me. It's a figurative cancer that's gonna become literal if I don't do something soon.
I realized this week that the fight/flight thing is there for a flippin' reason! Because it's "fight/flight/or DIE".
Sounds dramatic I know. But what can I say? My hormones are being steered by a Bipolar/Borderline 14 year old!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
love that
I worked with this bipolar boss for 3 years, it was only after he finally left, (due to costing the company thousands of dollars)that I realized what a bad effect it had on me. I was so use to tip-toeing around him, and being a buffer. I felt alittle wacky myself and when I got a normal person for a boss, it took me about 6 months to learn how to relax.
People always use to ask me "how can you work for him?" and I would say "oh I know how to handle him" now I realize he made me just as crazy as he was..
After all this talk
After all this talk about BP, It sounds allot like my demom SD13. I'll have to check into it. thanks
BM's
SS16's BM is diagnosed BiPolar-
She expects us to be predicatble-accountable-stick to the facts!
Her -not so much
In fact never
her excuses:
"I am sick"
"my meds are off"
"blah blah blah"
How can you expect sanity from insanity?
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Whatever!!
It's very easy to get caught up with BM and her antics.
At the end of the day, who cares? If you have got the support of your husband, boyfriend etc and her behaviour is as random as it is, then she's the one with problem, not you.
In your own words: don't give a shi**
ps. I get those sort of emails regularly from dearest friends, although they appear nice on the surface, they are also a bit threatening, I choose to ignore them, and nothing bad has happened to me yet...
Ignore her.
Keep me posted,
Mave
You know you were/are my
You know you were/are my hero through my whole semi-sm experience. That anxiety of not being able to control certain aspects of my life is part of what through him into the "cut and run" mode. I totally get it. I don't know if they don't or what. I think they do because I remember him with some panic in the early days. But, I envy their ability to seemingly be able to push it away. We've discussed this, though. Men are so different and are better at hiding some of it. Remember to breathe! And, let go what you can't control. And, I promise to slap you if you start catching BPD.
To every thing there is a season.
You can call me SuperWoman...
I'm okay with that.
Men ARE so much better. DH is the eternal optimist too. He takes EVERYTHING at face value and thinks it will be just fine. I'm the complete opposite. I tend to be a bit of a pessimist and err on the side of caution when it comes to people's intentions... and almost ALWAYS when it comes to BM.
And please DO slap me RIGHT back into reality.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Please
Visit Ohio and slap me as well.
I think I might catch it first by my proximity to the source.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I know that my bipolar husband
has turned me into someone I don't recognize or like a lot of times.
I swear being around someone who has a medical excuse to be crazy & lazy is enough to drive any one up a wall.
DH is also having some medical health issues on top of everything else. Some might be side effects from the Lithuim. So yesterday he has his appt with his shrink and he forgets to tell him about the constant diahhrea he has had since being on the Lithum. How do you forget that you poop yor pants!!! How do you forget that you have gone to a medical Dr who wants you to see a gastro & possibly have a colonoscopy when one of the damned side effects of this drug is this! He also had a bunch of blood work done BUT didn't get his Lithium level checked & forgot to tell the shrink this so they could order it again.
I told him that he is just frustrating! What I didn't say is that HE is like having a very rotten child. And what person who is having stomach issues goes & eats at McDonalds after he fasts & has tests done knowing that McDonalds is too greasy & gives him stoamch issues normally.
I know he isn't feeling well, even my daycare lady says he looks horrible & can tell he is not well, but yet he does NOTHING to make it better... I think he likes being sick.
Oh and I am mean. That is mide side effect from living 24/7 with a bipolar spouse. Do they have a pill for that.
Your husband...
just gets on my last nerve.
Tell him to write it all down when he goes to the doctor so nothing is accidentally forgotten.
BM is a bit of a hypochondriac herself, but also sickly. She's a tiny little thing and being underweight, when she gets sick it's always the worst case scenario because her body can't handle it. I think it's the craving for attention (good or bad). I bet your husband is as prideful as BM with all his ailments...BM get excited when you show interest in all that's wrong with her physically. Most people are depressed when they're sick...BM is actually giddy when she has an actual health problem. Weird.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Oh GOD...
The first guy I dated was a lifelong diabetic. Now I'm not lumping them all in there believe me. But he had been so since age 3. His dad was as well, and was blind and a double amputee. So I'm sure that weighs heavily on a 33 year old brittle (uncontrolled) diabetic of 30 years.
BUT he used it as an excuse. Not to not work, but to not commit. To ANYONE. Friends even. I know he was a brittle diabetic, but he also did tons of things stupidly for someone who has had this for 30 years, who's dad did too, who's mom was an RN.
Once he was having a blood sugar crash. I hadn't known him very long, but worked in Ophthalmology, so knew a bit about the disease. We were fooling around and he lost his erection. I said everything right about that happening, tried to soothe his ego, sincerely asked if he should check his blood sugar, and he says,
"No...I think it's you."
I sat up stunned. Told him to get dressed and get out. Then he was argumentative and said somethings that didn't make sense (like he couldn't find his socks and I'm handing them to him when he says, "Why aren't you letting me leave???"
OH BELIEVE ME. THERE's the DOOR.
He emailed me later, after his HOUR drive home, that his blood sugar was 35.
He had been in car accidents before. This was the second time he had a crash in my presence where I was the one suggesting he check it.
WTF?
We dated a few more months, but it was over before it began. One of the Drs I worked with told me that people who are ill from a very young age, many time become highly self centered and egocentric. Because everything in their family revolved around them. When to eat (Now b/c I just gave little D his insulin!!! what to eat (Is that sugar free b/c little D can't have that so we can't have it.)
I hope you get out of there ST. I don't usually stress that to people. But I at least do have a finite (hopefully) window with SD, and CG does with BM.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
personally CG, i think
she probably doesnt have enough real friends to forward it to, so she sent it to EVERYONE she had an email addy for...
but i completely understand the overanalyzing thing...i do it too. like rite now, BM has been "tolerable" (DHs words) and i wonder her motives, since last time she wasnt acting like a heinous bitch, we got served by the police w a motion. crazy doesnt change, and its just not like her to be pleasant, u know?
now DH?? he says, i dont know why shes being like this and i dont care as long as it continues. oh to be a man and not over analyze every little freakin thing...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I understand.
"BM has been "tolerable" (DHs words) and i wonder her motives"
DH calls it my "obsession". Questions why I can't just enjoy it and hope for the best.
To me, BM is like a loaded gun. Nobody knows what her triggers are because every day it's different. Some days it's me...somedays it's DH...someday's it's her alarm clock (just wakes up pissed off)...you never know. And THAT'S my problem. I never know what tomorrow will bring when it comes to her.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
isnt it strange how different men and women are
in dealing w/ stuff like this?? DH doesnt like to think about it. me, im constantly worried what she will do. he says just let it go and dont worry until something happens. but its like im always waiting for the other shoe to drop. maybe if she didnt have a history of being like this...i will say it has gotten better w time, and the longer it goes w/o an incident, the less i think and worry about it. and then it will happen again.
such a vicious cycle
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Did it have one of those false claims that something wonderful
Would appear on her screen if she sent it to EVERYONE in her address book? You know the ones. Something will sing, dance, throw cash out of your computer?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Don't give it a second thought
I agree with the ladies she probably just has you in her contacts list and it gets sent to to everyone. My friends do this to me all the time and I usually just delete this crap. But anything to do with the BM I tend to find myself overanalyzing as well - like is there a hiding meaning somehwere? etc., I just try to not think about her or let her get to me cuz I just can't deal with crazy.
ahhh the forwarded emails
I just HATE those emails!!! Just got one today from SD11 of all people. Delete it and go have a glass of wine
Sounds good to me.
I might just have two...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I have a new
question to add to the Questionnaire that I will give my daughter when she meets a new man:
1. Do you have an X wife? If you do, is she bipolar?
Just tell her....
to stop at the exwife part... then she'll be good.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Exactly!
I guess the questionnaire only needs one question! Exactly Colorado Girl!
My favorite quote from my ex H's psychiatrist
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
when I was in his office, sobbing away was
"living with someone with a mental disorder damages you emotionally and mentally"
How true.
But reading all the walking on eggshells stuff, reading that wonderful quote
"They swing through their moods, slamming them into everyone else, thereby releasing them and feeling refreshed while you are sitting there with the emotional wind knocked out of you, or seething in their projected and conveniently absorbed anger."
This is how I feel with H. Exactly.
And I know this relationship is damaging me-even I can see how much I've aged in the 9 months we've been married. It's gross.
Oh BW
Please get out soon. I could not take a minute of this from my husband, my partner in life.
I was in a verbally then physically abusive relationship at a very young age. I needed to escape my home and found that having a BF was more important than my safety. I convinced myself I was exaggerating and he wasn't that bad.
I was so damaged already from my family's trauma, that I took it for 2 years. And though I was proud I got out, I had to crawl out and upward. I then fell into my first marriage because he was safe. He was a controller too, but far more savvy and manipulated without being obvious. But really, by that point my criteria for happiness was so basic- Safety, Security, independent. No infidelity, No violence, No drugs.
First H was all those things so I didn't think anything about COMPATIBILITY and SUPPORT.
When we're damaged we have a warped perspective of normal.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra